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I am the live in caregiver for my 88 year old mom who has Dementia/Alzheimer's, COPD, Parkinson, and have been doing this for 6 years. The 2 siblings live on the opposite coast and have little to do with their mother with one not having come back once to see her mother. I have selected an attorney but I have on a couple of occasions put together a list of questions about how things would be handled after the passing as the 2 siblings are 2/3 of a living trust deed on the home.


I have already agreed to the hourly rate for this attorney; but there seems to be a complete lack of wanting to answer legitimate questions and this considering the 2 people we will be dealing with. I want to be proactive.


One previous attorney stated he doesn't deal with family issues and he has been my parents attorney for years.


Have others come up against this and how have you handled it? I have the POA, Health Proxy, Executor and would be grateful to all for their feedback. Honestly, I know it may be a pain in the butt, but I want to be able to sleep at night.

Thanks to all, but the questions just pertain to what actions the others can take with regard to a living trust since they will be 2/3 owner of the home, and also just simple questions of "what if?" ; and there seems to be a complete reluctance to answer these type of questions especially since you are paying the attorney; The will in this case gives everything to me; with the exception of the house which is on a deed which carries the names of the two siblings and me.

Thanks to all.
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Reply to redroseman
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anonymous594015 Jan 21, 2019
Do you think they are afraid to give you legal advice on an issue that is still, at this point, hypothetical? Maybe if you could give them more concrete questions they would be willing to help. Like instead if "Can they make me move?" (which has so many moving parts to it) you could ask "How would the estate be distributed if one of the parties needs to sell all their assets.( As in -they have to sell for a divorce, bankruptcy or other court order.) That might be the problem. They don't want to give you bad legal advice.
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I really not understanding your problem - there is a will as well as a trust, all you need from the lawyer is the ability to read and interpret these contracts, right? If your questions are a lot of "what ifs" - - what if the sibs contest the will/trust, then I would assume the lawyer who drew up the documents stands behind their legitimacy. People can sue and cause trouble for all kinds of reasons (they may not be able to win, but they can still sue) and having well written contracts is no guaranteed prevention.
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Reply to cwillie
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Do you have a care contract with your mother? If not, I would strongly advise that you do so. There are sample contracts on this site.

You should not count changing how the trust is written. You should concentrate actively on getting properly compensated now. By providing free live in care for your mother, you are effectively protecting the equity in the home for her estate. Without you, the estate would need to pay for her care and there might be nothing left to split.

If she has no money, the equity in the home will need to be tapped to pay for her care- to you or to any caregiver or facility that you select. If you meet with a lawyer, a discussion of how that can best be accomplished would be useful.
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bettina Jan 21, 2019
Having contacted an elder care attorney that believed I was being financially taken advantage of, I can concur that they are going to uphold your parents wishes according to final division of assets. Being compensated per your
parents agreement appears to be only option, other than walking away or
continuing to be exploited as free labor to protect your siblings inheritance.
If you continue in this role, your own inheritance will likely be consumed in added health care costs, making up for lost income and even mental health care costs due to severe exhaustion and even PTSD if your family becomes fractious.

You really have no choice but to consider whether you will be compensated
enough to make it worth your while financially. Not to be harsh but it
might be more practical for you to seek employment elsewhere and have
a paid caregiver come in for all main caregiving duties and you providing
nighttime care and some errands in exchange for room and board.

If you are an older adult having a very large gap in work history combined
with the stress of caregiving and aggravation of dealing with possibly
non contributing sibs, if can be very difficulty to recoup that time and
financial security later on, not to mention maintaining your physical and mental health.

It seems to be a common refrain on this board that one sibling gets stuck with all caregiving duties while others sit back and enjoy their lives yet still
count on receiving a full inheritance thanks to the mostly uncompensated back breaking work of the empathetic sib. Caregiving can be insanely demanding and exhausting and it seems only others that have done hands
on care giving understand this.

Not sure why this happens so often, but I've wondered that if these situations were geared to be fair to the sibling doing all the caregiving work, the parent risks creating a great deal of friction in family, loss of a familiar loving essentially free caregiver, not to mention losing the little affection they have with their other exploitative adult children.

Protect yourself now, do not count on others being fair when it comes to the
distribution of assets once your mom passes. As Marcia stated, you need
to have her estate pay for her costs of care now and get that in writing. Find an elder care lawyer that will work with you under those terms. Good luck!!!!
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I may not have this situation correct, but I think you’re wanting help from the attorney with division of the estate questions. And your mother has a will that divides equally between the three siblings. If so, that’s essentially where I am and what my dad has done. I’ve been told that it’s not up to an attorney to divide the assets when a will has been written this way, and it often does get messy. A more specific will should have been written by your mom, but the dementia makes it too late for that.
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