My 80 yr old demented father has had his second stroke. He moves all body parts, but his speech isn´t coherent, he does answer questions at times and listens when certain people are speaking to him, but isn´t doing well cognitively.
He has always belittled me and has demonstrated much hate for my person over the last 5 years or more; I am not a sunshine girl, but am caring & have been to his rescue many times!
Now that he´s bedridden, he cooperates with all the caretakers, and enjoys my sister´s care as his primary feeder; she uses child psychology to get him to eat & it almost always works. My sister and I work together to care for him when the homecare women are not around; I usually do the care while my sister conforts him and holds his hands so that he doesn´t HIT me.
His eyes are always wandering and checking what I´m doing, we have seen him many times getting ready to hit or kick me...this happens every time I have to go near him. When he´s not trying to hit me he is talikng about me in a derogatory way, never a positive word. Yesterday, right after the caretakers left, I brought him near the table so he could eat with his right hand which was unrestrained. When I got close to put some fruit near him the rt hand raised to hit me but I grabbed it and attempted to tie him down with him resisting the whole time & trying to dig his nails into my hand...after I managed to tie his hand he viciously gobbed all over me a couple of times.
These horrible behaviours are all directed at me; he may occasionally tell my sister that she knows nothing, but it´s rare and she always laughs it off.
I know that demented people only remember the past & their hates resurface with a vengeance as the dementia worsens, but my father´s actions are studied and deliberately aimed at me; he acts beautifully with ALL the caretakers; I do not believe that his actions towards me are merely an impulse!
We are thinking of sending him to a rehab facility, but have no idea how long it´ll take to get a bed for him.
I have often wondered if his dementia isn´t the result of a major depression since he lost his favourite daughter 11 months ago!
All feedback appreciated.

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Thanks Pamstegma!
He has oly been physically abusive to me; he always keeps an eye on me and waits for the opportunity to strike...he knows what he´s doing!
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Rehab won't take him, too much risk that he will hurt someone. Ask about memory care facilities.
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My father usually identified at least one person to hate a day. If it was not me, his only caregiver at the time, it would be one of several lifelong neighbors he decided in his last 20 years to despise. It sure sounds like in very elderly men with dementia, a man who was very negative his whole life certainly can become extremely hateful. In my situation, I find this behavior when they are not receiving your undivided attention. I feel for you. Was he violent to you as a child? There is absolutely no reason you should allow him to hit you! Do not allow it.

My suggestion is to ask his doctor for anti anxiety meds. Explain to him what you described here....write a letter and email it to his office and ask for his help. Without it his behavior towards you may get worse. Best to you!
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