What can you do when your parent lets the sibling behaving badly into their home?

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My husband has been caring for his mother over the past five years. She has dementia yet is still quite physically healthy and very demanding of her independence. She lives close by in her own home, with a full time live-in caregiver (whom she loathes and has “fired” a few times simply because she insists that she is perfectly healthy and doesn’t need ‘that woman living in my house”). My husband has the trust and POA in place, but the POA is not ‘enacted’ yet. He manages all of her financial and medical affairs, very well, and VERY honestly. His and my (I am just as involved in this) intentions are strictly for her best interest. WE are quite financially sound and have no time or desire to play the games that I read and hear so much about. It is all quite exhausting to say the least, but we are committed to her safety, health and welfare. His sister on the other hand, has always been the “bad seed” and always looking for the next handout. She has not worked in over a decade. Her most recent benefactor has left her, and so she has begun cozying up to mom for support. Mom does not remember how bad and opportunistic a person her daughter really is. She only knows that at this moment she needs to help her daughter who is in trouble, based solely upon the load of BS that she has been feeding her. With all of this, the sibling has also been filling mom’s head with lies about how WE are trying to steal all of her money. Obviously, this is exactly what SHE is trying to do. She has convinced mom to allow her to move back home, get rid of the live-in, and SHE will take care of mom. This is a ‘loving caring daughter’ who, despite living less than five miles away, has not seen her mother in almost a decade, and refused to come to the hospital when mom was found five years ago in her home (by us), when she took a terrible fall down her stairs, and we determined it was time for live-in care. SO, what do you do, when the parent is determined to allow the predatory sibling into their home? We are working as quickly as we can to get the doctor to initiate the ‘incompetency’ factor. But, this always seems to take longer than you need it to. My husband has tried to talk to his sister, resulting in absolutely no remorse or consideration for mom’s welfare. She is simply determined to get into the house, and thus begin the demise of mom’s health and assets. In the end, we will have to rehabilitate her again, if it’s possible, and when the money is gone, we will have to fund her care. The daughter will simply suck her dry, and then skip off to another.

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Just as a follow up of our situation.
Briefly, the live-in caregiver quit, so we moved mom back into our home until another could be attained. The next week, the "bad" sister arrived at mom's house with a locksmith to break in. A quick call to the police and a showing of the POA and Trust papers resolved that, and she was removed immediately. We have not seen nor heard from her since that October incident. Mom is still living with us, and the dementia has been escalating slowly yet consistently. Her dreams become her reality the next day, and continue from that point forward. It is extremely difficult to maintain our sanity when she is so insistant that what she is 'dreaming' is real. Her daughter does not actually live two doors down, yet she walks to the neighbor's house 4-5 times each day and waits at the curb for her to come home or be home. And, she has developed the extremely detailed thoughts of her daughter getting married. Therefore, she must prepare for the wedding, and talks on the phone with her daughter a couple times each week about the wedding. . . none of this actually happens, or is true. Yet the details regarding the wedding, and the man she is marrying are amazing. So, we have to listen to it all day and night. I have figured that her mind could not come to accept that her daughter is such a 'bad' person, so her mind created this happy scenario to make her daughter a good person.
And, we still have not encountered a viable caregiver, even as a 'daily' to come to our home. One lasted over the holidays, and one lasted all of a month. So, we are back to managing her on our own for now. It is so difficult to find caregivers that actually understand dementia and how to deal with it on a regular basis.
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Change all the locks on the door. Unhook the doorbell and let people knock. Have the care giver call you so that the sister has supervised visits. If the sister is truly down on her luck , help her to find employment and a room elsewhere. It sounds like she needs supervised visits with mom only. Moms all have a soft spot in our hearts for our children, even the deadbeats. The sister is a needy soul but helping her to help herself is the best for everyone.
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I'd go ahead and get the incompetency started to save you time in the future.

In the meantime...make an inventory of assets inside the home. Assets that can be (such as coin collections) can be locked away in a closet or spare room. Let the sister know that if anything goes missing it will be her responsibility and without prior authorization to 'liquidate' any assets that she will be charged with theft and that a restraining order will be issued.

Or, if the mother wants to, she can perhaps 'loan' her a specific amount of money as a one-time only gift so that she can establish herself in a separate dwelling.

I think I would keep the hired caregiver on the premises...if nothing else to oversee the sister's activities. Keeping the caregiver there could be seen as on-the-job training for the sister.

Good luck and let us know how this issue resolves :-)
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