One sibling does all the work for parents, other sibling does 10 minute visits. What to do?

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I've at this for 3 years. Dad has later stage dementia mom is renal failure. Dialysis 3 times a week.

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Sorry, Bobcare, instead of straying of topic what I meant to say was: yes, getting legal advice is almost always a good idea. Only choose your attorney with care, ideally through the personal recommendation of someone whose judgement you think is sound. Some lawyers can be too clever by half and create more problems than they solve. K.I.S.S. almost always applies!

I'm sorry to hear that your sister thinks she's above the humdrum world of elder care. Don't let your understandable irritation with her sucky attitude stop you from persisting. Keep chucking occasional suggestions her way - the more specific the better, e.g. Mother is having dialysis on Friday, it would be nice if you could visit on Saturday to cheer her up - to give her the means to straighten out. Your parents would benefit if she ever did take you up on it; and the very worst that can happen is nothing at all.

Meanwhile, research sources of help, cost them, and get a plan into action. Sister or no sister, you're still only one person and can NOT do all this alone.
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MG, I've got a cousin like that. Makes you wish they could see themselves, doesn't it? What I find really depressing is their unshakeable conviction that everybody shares their values - they do honestly think they're normal, only brilliant. What can you do except roll your eyes and shake your head. Sigh.
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Reply to momsgirl12. Thanks i wish i had a sis like you. My sis is wealthy and doesnt feel any obligations tomy folks or me. Sometimes people who idolize wealth think only about their world and needs thus feeling superior. It sucks. However when the payoff time comes they show up. Thanks. Their are so many terms etc in a trust do you think having an attorney is wise
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MG12 I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the sibling who brought the wish list. Oh my word! - was he grinning and rubbing his hands, too??? "No, dear, we said 'help Mom' not 'help yourself…'"

I hope he had the grace to blush.
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Adding to above...if they can't afford the time, then ask them to contribute financially for hiring help. That could be CNA, nursing care, companion care, housekeeping, a few hours a week, maybe respite care for them a weekend or a week every now and then.

I'm keeping track of days I take off to spend with my mom. I've told my brother, we'll even out when the estate is divided up. It won't be a lot of money in the scope of things, but I keep track of days and all expenses. He has agreed and chosen not to visit or help. I'm billing at my salaried rate since I take off from my job.
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What to do? Talk to your sibling would be step one. Topics of conversation would include:

what the 'work for parents' entails
how much time the respective siblings have available, once their own lives are taken into account (and don't skimp yourself!)
what kind of shortfall remains to be filled in order to meet the parents' care needs, and how this should be supplied and paid for. E.g. - trips for dialysis could be done by cab, could they? How much, who's paying? Sitting with your father while your mother's out could be done by an HCA - again, how much, where might you find a nice one, who's paying? Etc etc etc.

So, I like Pam's family meeting idea. But don't include your mother in ***all*** of the discussion because she'll probably say she can manage and doesn't want to be a burden. You need to be a bit canny about it, sweep away the fluff and get down to brass tacks.
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Agree on days of the week. Alternate days. Parents' expectations have to be reasonable and your duty is to watch over them, not sacrifice your entire life to care for them 24/7. Once it gets to the point your health is failing, both mental and physical, you call in the pros. You either get the MD to order in home help to keep an eye on Dad while you go to dialysis with Mom or you and sibs agree on a place to move them to. A family meeting would be good.
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