Mom had dementia and was in the late stages when she fell and broke her hip last Saturday. Unfortunately due to a variety of health issues she succumbed on Tuesday. She was 96 (Dad is 91) and I'm very fortunate that I had just spent 12 days with them, returning home last Friday. Of course I got back into the car and drove back up to be with him ASAP.
They've been in a nursing home since last Sept and the staff has been beyond wonderful. The thing is we are not a religious family nor are we a large family (twin brothers, me, no extended family at all) and there has been so much friction within the family with my older brothers. As a result, as of yet there has not been one word from either household to me as I plan a service befitting Mom.
I'm sure there are many people that would say I should be the bigger person and make contact with them to give my condolences but here's the thing. One brother didn't get along with Mom, the other has just taken my parents car for himself from out of the nursing home parking lot (3 weeks ago) after he and I specifically discussed the car and how 'Dad shouldn't lose his car and his wife in the same month. Just sit tight for now' (he agreed on a Thurs and by Friday he and his twin had arrived at the nursing home for the first time in months and taken the car. I found this out when I arrived for a 12 day visit earlier in the month)
And so since Tuesday at noon, I've gotten the news, booked an AirBnB, driven 9 hours alone to be here for Dad without having a chance to grieve and after I saw him yesterday I realize that his approach will be 'stiff upper lip' and let's get everyone to drive here next weekend (2 1/2 - 3 hours for them) watch her ashes be interned without wanting any ceremony or any family friends then have lunch. What a mess.
Today I have to take Dad to the crematorium and cemetery. Already I'm frustrated that all he's concentrating on is whether we can all go out for steaks. (fyi my mom would have hated this)
Has anyone got a) any suggestions on how I can help Dad without having to bottle up my own feelings and b) how to recognize my mom when none of these men seem to care about what she would want??
Thanks in advance.