On grieving... when Dad wants to sweep his emotions under the carpet.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I take that you are the only female, if that is not correct, forgive me. And what I say won't apply.

You will never have any reality with how males process their grief, their brains work differently than a female. Trying to get them to understand will just create frustration for you, they can't think like us either. Oh, we can get it but truly understand, nope.

Let the internment of mom and that day be for your dad, this is really about him and not your mom, she is beyond worrying about these things. Your 12 days was what momma wanted and you gave her that. Now for dad. Make the best of it, remember her with love and laughter, save your tears for a friend that will understand, not just get it or worse just tolerate it.

Your brothers are stinkers, but again, this is for dad. Give them the low down on date and time, location included. Then let it work out how it works out.

I would try to honor mom by reminiscing about the times you were all a happy family, not the present nonsense. Think of the crazy stuff you all did to make mom crazy, think of family times that made mom laugh, think of the sweet things dad did for mom and bring them up at the dinner.

Hugs, this is hard, but you will be okay.

I would do what Dad wants. Tell brothers what is going on, if they show OK if not OK. Let Dad grieve in his own way. Support him. Go to a really nice place to eat and let him have his steak. You can have what Mom would have enjoyed. He is 91, this is so overwhelming. He may be in shock. Be patient.

That car is your Dads. Its going to be hard to register without Dads signature on the title.

What is it you think your mom would have wanted? I tend to agree do what your dad wants but if all you are looking for is a little more recognition somehow, saying something, inviting a few other family members or friends or flowers and a photo, something along those lines just tell dad you understand he doesn't need any more but it would mean a lot to you if we could just have some flowers, say some words, whatever the case might be when you say goodbye. As long as it doesn't mean a lot of effort or a much bigger deal to him which might just seem too overwhelming (or expensive) and you are doing those things he wants he might be more than happy to honor your needs too. Go out for steak afterwards the way he wants. You don't have to be the bigger person to simply let each brother and family know the date, time and place and even with the bad feelings that's what I would do for Dad right now. I wouldn't mix up the car with the interment and grieving of Mom and if they and their families (make sure any grandchildren and spouses know directly too) choose to not show up, so be it. When my GM (dad's mom) passed she was cremated and my dad brought her ashes up to CT where her family roots were and she maintained a house all of her life on the shore. My two brothers, father and I, just the four of us walked out to "The Point" (a significant place) together with half of her ashes sharing memories, telling stories about her over the years and then when we reached the end over looking the water we each took a hand full and each took a turn saying good by and letting the wind carry her ashes into the sea. We then hugged each other and talked about how perfect it all was on the walk back. The other half was placed in the cemetery of her choice next to her husband who had passed many years before. It was small and some would say unceremonious but it was more meaningful and special to me anyway then my Mom's mom's service which was also very nice but a bigger event, lot's of family and friends. So you can make it special and even ceremonious in its own way even if it's just you and your dad but sounds like he would like to include your spouse/kids (?) and sounds to me like that would be nice for you too so don't discourage it just because they will need to drive 3hrs each way for a 5-10 min ceremony and dinner, it might be very nice and well worth it for all. Let yourself grieve first and then be pissed at your brothers if you choose after you intern mom. Do this for yourself and maybe for Dad and or grandchildren not for your brothers.

My daughter is going thru a divorce. When my other daughter talks about her soon to be exBIL, she says she can't understand why he is doing this or not do this. I keep telling her, men do not think like women. You have to also understand your Dad comes from an era where kids grew up fast and boys were told Men don't cry. He will, when everything is quiet and he is all alone. Right now this is so overwhelming. You should never expect him to feel like you do. The relationship between a man and his wife is so different than that of a father and child.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your brothers should've known better than to take what didn't belong to them. I'd say let them know the date/time for Mom's services...then let them know under no uncertain terms that if they fail to return your Dad's car, they can explain why they took it to the cops.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Bailey. Just this last Tuesday, and now here you are back to help your father get through.

There was a phrase I heard attributed to Winston Churchill: "when you're going through H*ll, keep going!"

It sounds as though your father wants this over and done with as little pain and formality as possible. He just wants to get through it.

You need something different; you want to mourn, and you want to celebrate your mother's life. You can do that, you know, independently of your menfolk.

This is aside but important: did your mother leave any instructions about her funeral?

So sorry about your mom. Your dad and brother's actions msy be their way of dealing. People grieve in different ways.

As for the car, if dad is not driving, NH may have pushed for it to be moved.

Bailey, I’m sorry for your loss and for the family mess. My mother’s funeral was a behind the scenes chitshow due to my brother’s arguing. They’ve been oil and water since forever and it really came out the day of the funeral. I spent the time trying to keep my dad unaware of it and let the minister know he had to keep my brothers quiet. So, yay, like that wasn’t embarrassing, thanks guys! I was beyond relieved when the whole day was over. I spent many days in private mourning my mom, the day of the funeral wasn’t one of them. Anyway, my point in all that blather is I hope you can put aside the brothers mess, honor your mom, and be a comfort to your dad in this huge life change for him. Blessings and peace to you as you walk through this...

Bailey, It sounds like you will make this a lovely day in remembrance of mom. Great job.

I am sorry that your husband can't be with you, but all things happen for a reason. I hope his dad does well with surgery.

You are an inspiration for all of us. Your strength in the face of all this, pretty awesome.

May God grant you clear skies, calm winds and warm temps next Saturday.

Hugs!

Oh BailyP3, I really feel for you. What a tough month ! Yet you sound very wise, strong and capable, so I believe you will be ok. My main addition to the advice so far is that it's not your job to pull the family together !*** I agree that the funeral is mainly for your dad. If he wants simple, do simple. You can grieve independently from him, and with any supportive other family that exists. I'd tell the brothers what will occur (per dads choice). How they handle it is entirely on each of them. The car is a separate and legal issue. Your dad is lucky to have you. It's a tribute to your mom that you can handle this at all. Best wishes for some peace and comfort. Hugs to you.