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Know these subjects covered in other threads but all cases different as we all know.


Looking for help and how to reply when I get " I never ask you for anything but you don't help me" and " You have let me down"


My 93-year-old father in care. Needs help with washing and dressing. Needs meals made and incontinence now most days. He has days that He is lucid. He asks me to take him home, take him to place he was brought up, take him to see an old neighbour who he promised to keep in touch with ( not true. She has never visited and he has not seen her for years) would I phone her for him.


When I say no he gets mad and starts the trying to make me feel guilty.


I end up falling out with him. How can I deal with this better. He does not forget the things he wants and it becomes like an obsession. Driving me crazy.


Any ideas? The distracting does not work. Maybe for a short while then it starts again. The doctor not willing to prescribe anti depressant. She referred him to mental health services. They said he was fine.

My Mom got mad at me because I would not call my brother. Not for her for me. Told her I didn't need to call my brother. She kept saying I need to call him and apologize. For what! We weren't fighting. Told her he was at work and I couldn't call him there.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Many thanks for advice. He is in residential care. I was never consulted by his doctor or mental health team.
By coincidence I had a call today from one of the nurses. I spoke o her about my concerns. She has asked me to go in and speak with the head nurse and has noted my concerns. She said he is narky and bad tempered at times with staff too. Wants everything his own way. She too advised me to walk away. I have actually done so a few times but on hindsite wait too long maybe. Head nurse is off this week but back next week. I will run it all past her and then speak to his doctor.
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Reply to Patience13
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I have to ask because I dint understand, but if your father is “in care”, why do you have to do all these things for him?

It sounds to me like you are too accepting of what you are told by the medical professionals. When they tell you he’s “fine”, look them right in the eye and in a very firm voice, tell them “No, he’s not and he needs help!”

Dad may seem lucid, but I wonder if he truly is. My husband will obsess over situations as well, like your father does over the old neighbor. It doesn’t sound like reasoning with Dad works. He is also controlling you and you’re accepting it. It’s ok to walk out when you feel you’re about to “lose it”. If you do that a few times, Dad may get the idea you’ve about had it.

Please speak with his doctors and get some answers. Good luck!
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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What sort of care home is your father living in, Patience? Have you talked to the staff about your father's mood and behaviours when you're not around?

Do you have to say no? What happens if you say "yes, let's see" and start a conversation about the (hypothetical) logistics?

Meanwhile go back to the doctor and explain that her and the mental health services' definition of "fine" is not one you recognise; what now? Anger can be part of dementia and can be a warning of other challenging behaviours. It isn't something they can just brush aside.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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