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I would tell dad that this isn't about getting her taken out of the house, he can continue to keep her home, after she has medical care. He will feel terrible if it is something that is easy to take care of and ends tragically.

His attitude tells me that he knows more than he is telling. It happens, parents decide not to burden their children with the truth and are clueless about what is heading their way. Then the kids are caught off guard and are trying to fix the situation with the parents digging in and refusing help. Have a talk with him, be okay if he chooses not to tell you, but make it safe for the day he wants to tell you or needs help.

I cared for my dad. I didn't and don't have the personality to do hands on, 24/7/365 caregiving for my parents. Standing back and advocating for them has been a tremendous education. I have learned how to not get trapped in the games and go to the heart of the matter. Seems cold and harsh to some, but if something is going on, I won't play the I want game, nope we make sure you are not needlessly suffering and then you can do what you want. You have to be firm to get them to do certain things. Especially when it is for their wellbeing. Kinda like dealing with a bratty kid honestly.

You definitely have your work cut out for you. Hugs.
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redsnappa7764 Apr 7, 2019
Thank you for the talk. It really helps. Now I have to speak with my dad and have a heart to heart! I hope your situation is alright, with your dad and everything.
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Instead of recommending that she see a doctor for the problems she says are everyone else's, is there any one that she trusts enough to at least get a urine sample?

I didn't read your profile before, so I am thinking that you have to find any way possible to get her checked. Infections can become septic making them lethal. Sudden changes in attitudes and behavior are a sign in the elderly that they have an infection.

You may have to call 911 when she becomes violent with your dad and have her Baker acted. This means she can't say no. She will go to a psychiatric hospital and get stabilized. This is when you would hand them a paper with all of her behavior and symptoms, any medication, even her vitamins leave nothing off.

It seems drastic, but she needs help and doesn't realize that she needs it. So you are already the bad guy, do what needs to be done to get her helped and deal with the fallout after she gets help.

It must be very scary for her to think different men are staying at her home while her husband is gone. You know it's not real, but she doesn't.

You can do this, you can be strong enough to make that hard phone call and force her to get help. Let your dad know that he will need to cooperate with the police and ambulance and be very honest about the situation. She must get help.

Hugs!
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redsnappa7764 Apr 7, 2019
Thank you so much for taking the time to write. Everything you are saying is true. Now I just have to get my dad to agree. He has the attitude where he's just living for the "good days" but it's wrong to think this because there WILL be more bad days and it could be a UTI that we don't even know about. He even said, "She's been my wife for 63 years and I've lived 85 very good years so if she kills me, she kills me." I tried to get him to take the knives out of the kitchen drawer but he won't do it. I'm going to read him your letter and convince him of what we MUST do. It is wrong for us to "coddle" her and not get her any help. Thank you SO much. Are you a caretaker for someone with dementia?
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Hello and thanks for responding. I'm sure she has dementia but has not been officially diagnosed because we can't get her to go to the doctor. She says "we are the ones that are crazy." My dad is the only person she does not recognize. She knows me, my husband, my son, and her hairdresser. She insists that my father and I are "trying to put her in an old folks home." I guess the only thing we can do is call Adult Protective Services because I do fear she's going to hurt my dad. She has threatened to hurt him and has drawn back her fist. If we call Adult Protective Services, what will they do? We don't want to put her in a nursing home because she takes care of herself just fine. She's just combative, accuses my father of cheating on her and flirting with other woman, etc. This is also depressing my dad terribly.
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According to your profile page:
Since January my 83 year old mother started hallucinating, seeing people that aren't really there, and mostly, not recognizing my dad anymore. She thinks my dad is just "one of his friends" and wonders where her husband is when my dad has been there the whole time. Some days she knows him as her husband but most days she thinks it's a brother or friend of his that looks just like him. For some strange reason, she cannot recognize his face. She won't get in the bed with him because she thinks he's a stranger and lately she's so mad she has threatened to hurt him and call the cops on him. We are going through a critical time. What's worse is she thinks nothing is wrong so we cannot get her to go to the doctor. We need help! 

My 94 year old grandmother would look at her son (my Dad) and say, "I have a son named Jim. You look like him, but he is teaching school so you can't be him." She thought that my Mom was the "woman who helps me take a bath and gets dressed" and did not recognize Mom as her daughter-in-law.

Since your Mother does not recognize her husband and gets upset whenever he attempts to get into bed to sleep with her at night; your Father may have to start sleeping in another room and another bed.  You do need to get your Mother to see a neurologist and/or geriatric specialist so that they can determine why your Mother is having hallucinating--is it due to a medical problem, medication side effects, UTI, or ???
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redsnappa7764 Apr 7, 2019
Hello and thank you for your help. We cannot get her to go to a doctor and she said "we are the ones that area crazy" and she's so mad at me she won't even speak to me anymore and if I call she hangs up the phone. She insists that my father and I are "trying to put her in an old folks home." I guess the only thing we can do is call Adult Protective Services because I do fear she's going to hurt my dad. She has threatened to hurt him and has drawn back her fist. If we call Adult Protective Services, what will they do? We don't want to put her in a nursing home because she takes care of herself just fine. She's just combative, accuses my father of cheating on her and flirting with other woman, etc. This is also depressing my dad terribly.
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Does she have dementia? Is he the only one she doesn't know?
Can you give more information to help people help you?
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