I posted here last July for the first time because I was struggling with how to deal with the needs of my dysfunctional family. I'm sure many of you dealing with these kinds of situations will not be surprised to know that little has changed. I'm here now because the situation really has reached its climax for me - either things change, or I have to find a way to leave ASAP.
Quick summary - both parents in late 70s, father has an autoimmune condition which causes problems with balance and walking and his "mind has started to go" (though he will never get tested). He has started to repeatedly fall for scams (nearly wired $500 to a scammer, got his computer hacked by giving access to someone over the phone, has gotten conned into giving ride to random person who then hit him up for money). You've never met someone in your life who has his head buried so deep in the sand - refuses to deal with reality. If anyone can give him a run for his money in that regard, it's my mother. After YEARS of trying, finally got her in to get tested and confirmed she has mild-moderate Alzheimer's. She's also as personality disordered as they come. Narcissistic, histrionic, obsessive compulsive, the consummate martyr and eternal victim. She's disgustingly emotionally manipulative and has made my life a nightmare. And my father has made it his life's work to enable her. My role is black sheep, scapegoat, and punching bag...oh, and the "adult".
About 4.5 years ago I moved "home" to get back on my feet after losing my job. What ended up happening is that I've gotten sucked into the black hole that my parents are. I've totally lost myself. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety, and now add to that a level of anger that is absolutely killing me. I'm broke. I have no support from family, no friends nearby and those who were my friends have dropped off the map. And still I know, it can always get worse. That's what I'm trying to prevent right now. I really feel it's now or never.
Here's the deal. My mother's lifelong love and obsession and dysfunction is money. But the disease is catching up with her now and in the last 6 months she has started to forget to pay bills. Their cell phones were almost turned off the other day because she hadn't paid the bill since January. Every day is Groundhog Day, with her manipulating me into her psychodrama because she can't remember how to long into an account, doesn't know passwords, etc. I am so furious I refuse to continue like this. So I have put my foot down and said it is time for her to sign the POA and let me pay the bills. But she persists in her old ways and makes progress impossible. And my father will acknowledge privately to me I'm right, then five minutes later he'll be threatening to hit me and telling me to back off and leave him alone. They have no will, no medical advanced directive/POA, refuse to make arrangements to move to a community where they can transition to assisted living (which are at a minimum a year's wait to even get into). In my efforts to try to get them to turn over the bills, it has also become patently clear that they don't know what all their bills, assets, investments and insurance policies are. They don't know what they're for, can't find previous statements...it's appalling.
So I'd like to consider a hypothetical. What would happen if I left and left them to flounder? (Now, I'm not in a financial position to do this immediately, but if this is the best option, then I know I need to get creative and try to work something out). What happens when my mom's Alzheimer's worsens, her credit goes down the tubes, they haven't arranged for any care and there's no designated POA? Does this responsibility ultimately always come back to the children anyway? Because my fear has been that if I don't deal with this now, I'm going to have to take them to court later to get guardianship and I can't even stomach the thought. If all roads lead back to me, then I would rather push through now and figure out a way to get the POA signed at least.
Bottom line is, I need to save myself from this sinking ship. But once I've jumped ship, I don't want to still be roped to it. So can I leave them to wallow in their own mess, or do I need to get the POA and get them to commit to alternative living arrangements before I go if I really want to be free(er) of this and move on?
by and did nothing. I live 3 hours away and have 5 kids and work full time, single mother, and I have done it. If I can, you can too. Both had to be put into
an Alzheimer's home, my mom passed last Oct. and I do not regret a thing. My
dad is now in a Veteran's home, the Alzheimer's unit, and has been in the end
stage for the past 2 years, and I do not regret a thing. It has been very rough, not just watching them deteriorate but also taking care of EVERYTHING, I have
felt that I wanted to do this and am doing it. God bless you, if you leave they will have no one. Take care, KL
Run far & run fast. Don't look back until you are a 1,000 miles away. Or more. Live at the YMCA if you have to.
I am another person here with a demented mentally ill mother. I spent nearly 20 years successfully 1800 miles away from her and her crazy except when we lost our minds and brought her to visit once in a while. I really can't imagine having two of them to deal with at one time.
Her phone calls became increasingly bizarre until we determined she needed an intervention. She had to move to us because there was no satisfactory care in her location and she had run off every family member and friend years before.
We sacrificed all our time off work to move her, her house load of crap, and get her settled. I had no time off to even see the doctor for myself. Fortunately, I had a boss who kind of looked the other way and let me make up hours unofficially so I could get things minimally taken care of.
That was 2013. To this day, I really don't know if I did the right thing. I can't say I'd do it over again. I can't recommend it to anybody. There were a lot of days I put my head in my hands and asked what on earth have I done? There will be no thanks. No pay back. No inheritance to offset costs. Not two red pennies to rub together. Nothing is really better. A lot of people have said that I'm an angel for doing this, but in all honesty, I think I should have made different choices. I just didn't know there were other choices. I mean, the entire rest of the family had walked away from her - was that not a sign!
The time period between then and now has been some of the most soul-crushing, stressful, awful, night-mare filled time in my life. My depression was out of control and I refused to acknowledge it. I've always been a "suck it up" kind of gal. It has been one epic medical emergency or dramatic situation of her making after the next. Lots of change into higher and higher levels of care. Several moves. Suicide threats. Violent behavior toward staff.
Nearly all my free time after work goes into managing her paperwork and affairs. Make sure bills are paid. Dealing with collections. Insurance. Finding out I don't have POA back home. It has been one complicated mountain to climb after the next.
It's better (by comparison) now. Mom can't move anymore. She's in the unit she'll be in until hospice. I don't have to run errands with or for her anymore.
Her bills and money problems seem to be stable for the moment.
Her psychosis is as under control with meds as it can be, but it's still a difficult situation. She's no longer ambulatory or continent, so she's less able to fight but she still tries. Her paranoia is stronger than the meds some days.
I'm awaiting my court visit to be granted guardian/conservatorship to protect myself financially from responsibility for her debts. I can't even take my own name off her checking account as a joint account holder - seemed like a good idea at the time but it was a huge mistake. The bank has been an utter (insert favorite expletive here) to work with through this despite the fact I DO have durable POA.
Was it worth it? I don't know. I don't know that I fixed anything and often feel like I just created a lot more problems for myself by trying to do right. The sacrifice by my whole family on this end has been mighty.
Let go of any notion of how it supposed to be like on TV where everything just falls into place. Get yourself setup to be in good shape and don't worry about anything else.
You can petition for emergency guardianship, in forma pauperis, which waives the court fees. It still requires an attorney to get done and will be $2,000+, depending on how complicated and contested it is. These fees can be paid out of your parents (the Wards) money.
There will be annual reporting requirements. It will be harder for you to move out of state should you need to. You can do it, but you have to file papers with the court to notify them.
Think long and hard about this option and don't jump into it until there is literally no other choice. One other choice is that the court can appoint a guardian from a service. Kind of like Guardian ad litem for children, but for adults unable to manage their affairs. You can refuse to do it (which is what I would recommend since this situation sounds like it's going to devolve a lot more before it improves any.)
Every single other company or agency has been fine with a copy of the notarized original. I have emailed it, faxed it, and mailed it literally everywhere else and been OK. Most places have even been nice to me.
The first time I went to the bank HQ office here in downtown, I simply wanted to get my POA on file before I needed to even do anything. The smarmy jerk behind the big desk just sneered at me when I said I have POA. His answer was "Well, we'll see about that." I wanted to kick him in the shins but I remained calm.
The bank that rhymes with Hells Fartgo. My attorney for guardianship said they are notorious for being difficult to work with. I wonder how they would feel about a class action suit.
Then when you have done that email the top brass and explain why you have done what you have done I am sending you their email addresses privately hun
This esteemed company was also executor for a friend's family land estate. Against the family's wishes, the bank employee "executor" started the process to subdivide and sell off the estate property because it was the "highest and best use". Family had to endure lengthy court battle to get what was rightfully theirs and keep it intact.