Need suggestions on how to get your loved one (my father) out of the car and into a memory care facility. Tried yesterday and he refused :(

All the answers here have benefits to one degree or another. My dad was diagnosed with AD in 1989 and for years we dealth with the heated refusals and denials you and now expierencing. My heart goes out to you. We lost our dad in 1999. Following his death I graduated nursing school and became a memory unit nurse supervisor. If I have learned anything about this disease it's the need to be proactive. Frome here on out (until he stages) it will be about "getting through the next 5 minutes". The rational being he (eventually) won't remember what occured 5 minutes ago. Disabling his car was a great idea and a textbook example of being proactive. Kudos to you! Having the staff meet him at the car while you duck out (ie; restroom) will allow the professionals to redirect him into the facility. The key is to create an incentive for him "to want" to enter the facility. Arriving during meal time--and ensure he is hungry--will help staff redirect him inside as he still processes the need to eat. Having someone inside the facility that he recognizes (or at least someone at the entrance he can see from a distance waving for him to come in) will help to lure him into the facility. Once inside staff should be able to redirect him to stay. I would also have staff play his faviorate song(s) as he enters. My way of exlpaining to residents who questioned our locked doors is that this is a "gated community" and we always keep the doors tightly locked. Next it's on to our "executive Lounge" for dinner and ice cream. This would usually work if everything fell ito place and I realize that it's easier said than done. You have a huge uphill battle facing you and I commend you for caring for your dad this way. I pray you have success in his relocation.
Ken

Might actually need medical transport if this is for admission. If it is that you are taking him for rides and then he won't exit, perhaps attendants with wheelchair coming to car and YOU out of site. That is to say you go into facility. And they come to get him and say "We will help you in to where your daughter is.
Sorry you are going through this.

This is all too common and there is no stock answer but it depends a lot on the level of memory and dementia for using therapeutic fibs.

In my dads case he had very little short term memory. In one week mom was moved directly to assisted living from the hospital and I had disabled dads car. So he was dealing with all this new and confusing stuff. I lived 12 hours away, made the trip to get mom in assisted living and stay with dad who was wandering at this point.

He could remember nothing about the bad fall that put mom in the hospital. I had to go over the event time and time again. I told him mom was in rehab. Let’s go have lunch with her. He was good with that so we did dinner also. After a couple days I told him mom really needed his help and she wanted him to stay with her for a few days. I’d had a second bed put in the room. Much to my surprise he agreed to this also.

I had a pretty hard time walking dad into the facility the next day knowing he was never going to leave but I had no choice at that point. They absolutely could not be in their home and had refused any help for years. We had a rough couple of weeks with dad always looking for his car and tripping the door alarms but the staff was used to this and was very good at diverting him.

Good luck to you. This is about the hardest thing to get through in elder care.

Have you requested suggestions from the facility?

Can you tell him he is going for lunch? That your home is being renovated? That it needs to be fumigated? That you are going into the hospital for emergency surgery?

I think sometimes "therapeutic fibs" work well for this sort of transition.

Does your dad normally get out of the car if you're going somewhere or was this unusual? How did he know it was a memory care facility?

Call the facility ahead of time and let them know you will need an attendant with a wheelchair/transfer chair to meet you in the driveway. Tell your dad you and he are going in for a visit or appointment. I agree that it will be important that you go inside first rather than you waiting with him by the car thereby giving the attendants the opportunity to tell him that they are going to take him to you.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone! To give you some background...he lives 2.5 hours from me and I am trying to get him .03 miles from me. Of course I am the bad person sometimes (you know how that goes) so his caregivers brought him and we all tried to get him to get out...mostly the director of the home, the nurse and me tried But he is stubborn and he was not getting out no matter what. He still has his faculites about him in that he is aware what is going on but at the same time his mind is all over the place (if that makes sense). He was told he was going to an appointment but 2.5 hours he started asking questions. We tried to get him to go in and eat lunch...not getting out of this seat he said.
He's still on what I call memory meds so thinking I'm going to take him off them (per the nurse at the homes suggestion as they are not going to help him really anymore...he scored a 3 out of 15 on the assessment they gave him that day). Short of drugging him (which I really prefer not to do...yet) just thought I'd reach out and see if anyone had ideas of Outwitting him LOL! which is what I am having to do right now. It is exhausting trying to come up with ways to do that.
Thanks again...Good luck to us all that are dealing with this sad disease! :(

His anxiety level must have been through the roof. Big changes and he wasn't able to cope. Talk a bunch about his move to memory care and do virtual tours online so he can "see" the place in advance. This may help to decrease his anxiety. Talk to his doctor about his anxiety behaviors and he/she may prescribe a short course of anti-anxiety medication.

Is there any reason connected with your father's welfare for moving him to this memory care unit? He has 24/7 care at home. He wants to remain at home. He is aware of his surroundings and asks relevant questions about what is going on. I'm wondering by what authority you're trying to have him admitted, and what the best interests justification for the move is.

Best interests justifications might include, for example:

that he's running out of money
that his care needs can't be met where he is
that he is vulnerable to abuse or neglect

They would not include that it's more convenient for you; nor that it's costing a fortune unless there is a demonstrable risk that he will run out of funds to maintain himself.

It's usually considered undesirable to change a person's environment radically when he has dementia, because it is very hard for him to adapt to new people and places.

So, just asking: how will your father benefit from this move?

Wow! 2.5 hour drive to the facility would surely give many a chance to get anxious. Is there a possibility he could stay with you the night before and have his Dr. prescribe anxiety meds? I agree that you need to have facility/Dr./caregivers involved in the transition. They are the best way to get guidance since they do this all the time and are not emotionally involved - sometimes this makes transition worse. Just remember, this is best for dad, he has been "in charge" of the family and expects you to follow his wishes. Sometimes in this situation, it is best not to go to lunch but just have him moved in. No matter what you decide, you are going to feel very guilty for the immediate future. This is normal. But how lucky you are that you can move him closer to you and you can visit more often.

So sorry you are going through what feels like a no win situation. You have made good plans, it’s just the first steps that are the worst. I had a talk with my mom the night before and by the next morning she had no idea but her mild confusion actually worked in our favor. Room set up with her favorite chair and TV, and the staff at the ready. Going on the 2nd year in memory care. The guilt comes in waves for me, mostly before I fall asleep. But, it’s not about me it’s about her care and safety. She got her vaccine and I get photos of her working on puzzles in the activity room and the occasional FaceTime.