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My name is Joyce , I'm 50 years old and 11 years ago I lost my dad to Alzheimer's and Parkinson and now I'm watching my mom slowly forgetting everything she has been diagnosed with dementia. I'm trying to talk her into moving in with me and my boyfriend but she isn't having anything to do with it yet and I'm not sure who is going lose their mind completely first me or her. My mom doesn't believe she has dementia all she says is she isn't crazy, I tell her everyone has a lil crazy in them but just cuz she has dementia doesn't mean she is Looney tunes crazy just means she can't remember certain things. She is now forgetting meds, how to cook simple stuff and we are trying to figure out how to get her to move in with us but I just keep hitting the same brick wall expecting it to move and it still there. She wants to keep her independence but I need to make sure she is around for long time also , I'm a only child no brother or sister to help me , just me anyone have any ideas on how to move the brick wall without using TNT

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If you are concerned about having no patience NOW, be aware that you will need much MUCH MORE PATIENCE if you expect to take care of your mother in your own residence.

For your sake AND HERS, seek out assisted living residences in your area and see what’s available.

Dementia is progressive- she will not get easier to manage.

It will be easier for you to convince her to move to a “place of her own” if you find her a nice room where she will be supervised and observed 24/7.

Find a place where you can visit often, maybe for a few minutes every day after she gets used to things.

In this life we can only do our best on behalf of our dear ones. We need to find out what we can do that will allow them to be safe and comfortable. We cannot guarantee them a “long time”, and it is not always the best idea to live with them with that idea in mind.

Maybe you an make good decisions for your mom by backing off the idea of moving in with you while you find out all you can about residential care in your area.

My own mother lived with me for 9 TERRIBLE MONTHS, and after that moved to a residential care center where she lived for 5 1/2 wonderful years.

Please consider other options before doing something that may not be the best for you or your mother.
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Reply to AnnReid
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SeaMar Aug 19, 2021
This, this, a thousand times this!
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Well first I would say, you really don't want your mom living with you, as you will go even more crazy than you are now. Plus it would probably jeopardize your relationship with your boyfriend.
Your mom really needs to live in an assisted living facility, with the option of memory care as time goes by. That would be better for not only her, but you as well, because as you are all to aware of dementia only gets worse never better.
And as far as patience goes, the only way we can ever get more of it, is by going through tough times, and coming out on the other end. So be careful what you wish for.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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When it became apparent that my MIL wasn't remembering to eat we transitioned her to a facility. We can't fix her not remembering to eat when she's by herself in her home. She wasn't remembering if she took her meds so was under- and over-dosing herself on her thyroid meds AND prescription pain pills. FYI she got covid in May of 2020, was deathly ill for 4 weeks (signed a DNR), we called her sons up from AZ to say goodbye, she was put on hospice and then — had a full recovery. Now she is vaccinated. My point is if your mom doesn't have any underlying health issues and is vaccinated, I'd worry less about transitioning her into a facility if that's what will be best for everyone involved.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your mother may have dementia, but that does not give you the right to decide that she has to move in with you.

Try offering her different options that allow her to conserve her independence, and perhaps she'll gradually begin to listen to your advice. As long as admitting that she isn't as able as she was = she has to move in with you, she's going to admit to nothing and she's not going to take any steps to take proper care of herself.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Dont move her in with you. Move her to assisted living right now so she still has the ability to learn a few new things and make friends. I saw the same thing happening with my Mum, my brother refused to believe me and moved her to independent living from her house. The independent living was too much to keep up for her, she also wanted to keep her independence. I saw food rotting in the fridge so I bought frozen meals, however she could no longer operate her microwave that she’d had for years. So she’d eat sandwiches all the time.
also I strongly suspected that she started only wanting to eat when I was there. ( I dropped by almost every day after work for a few minutes). Forgetting to eat will be mitigated by the staff calling her for meals and after she gets into the rhythm of life in AL she will just go at the set times.
She forgot got her pills even in prepackaged cards. But she remembered to hide them from me hen I started to question her the first couple of times I saw they weren’t used.
I believe that had she made the leap to AL she would probably still be there today rather than very poorly off in Memory Care. (CoVid separation did not help).
get all her paperwork done NOW. You have a very small timeframe to work with. Mum and brother went to lawyer to get it all done, but she got tired, they only got part done other part was procrastinated on which led to ongoing messy situation for a while and a lot more cost.
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Reply to Karen51
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I would suggest if at all possible, find a place for her. It is soooo hard to care for someone who doesn’t want to be cared for “because there is nothing wrong with me”. Or “I can take care of myself” coming from someone who forgets to take her meds, or loses them, who starts fires on the stove, or in the oven, or sparks flying in the microwave. When they have dementia they loose ALL ability to reason. Judgement goes out the window. It is a 24/7/365 job. With NO regard for you. They get very selfish and they are right all the time. Even though they can change their mind about something, they will swear they always thought “that way”. It is turmoil on top of you being exhausted, putting an unbelievable strain on any relationship. I am 10yrs into this with my mother. We have good days, but not often. She has called the police on me because she didn’t get her way. They came with lights & sirens at 10pm! Then I got a stern talking to about her calling them “for our family disputes”. I didn’t know she called them until I heard the sirens and she said “you are going to be in trouble now”. Which brings me to their sneakiness. She took the phone and called the operator from her bathroom!! She didn’t call 911 because she forgot how! She is having hallucinations and you can’t tell her it is not possible that the event did not happen. Which goes back to you can not reason with them. At 96 I can’t put her in a facility now after 10 years taking care of her. It would literally kill her.
Think about this long and hard before you make a decision. All of this I never would have imagined from my mother, who was the most caring, unselfish person who always thought of others first. She has no clue how much work she is.
Good luck with your decision. Prayers for you.
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Reply to moms2nddaughter
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Dementia takes away insight and decision making skills. She sounds unable to know her own needs. Your job is to keep her safe! There comes a time when we have to do what is right even if they disagree..give her a choice..your house or a facility. She will choose your house!! Plan to have her visit your home for a weekend..then keep her there. When my mom refused to eat, lost 18 pounds, took 2 overdoses of drugs and would go outside and walk on ice to see if it was slippery I made the decision to Assisted Living facility so she would be safe. I could not take her to my tiny one bedroom apartment. She now loves it there…has friends her own age, activities, great food and me visiting for hours 3 days a week. Was it easy? NO! It was the right thing to do. Good Luck..
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Reply to Sadinroanokeva
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Find a living arrangement that will fit into both you and your mother's long range plans. Talk with her about POA, etc. Help her downsize and declutter and encourage alternative ways for her to maintain her "independence". Set up her meds with reminders and check out the microwave dinners. It is a focus on the long range goal for safety for her and peace of mind for you and your boyfriend. Start checking out all the available services in your area for future reference.
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Reply to GAinPA
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First of all, if you can afford it, find an assisted living/memory care facility near you. She will still have her own apartment, semi-independence and activity schedule. Incude her in the process. Get her doctor involved! That's the only way we were able to move mom. We blamed the doctor for everything, and that seemed to help. I won't sugar coat it. This us the hardest thing you'll ever do. Mom was angry and crying for over a month. Sympathize with her. Visit as often as possible. It took over a month but she finally acclimated. We took her out for lunch and to family events frequently. You'll feel guilty for the rest of her life, but not resentment from the 24/7 care. She will be safe and eventually it will become her normal. By the way, we always call it her apartment so she didn't equate it to a care facility! Good luck, God bless.
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Reply to Gardengirl22
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kimbo56kdm Aug 28, 2021
Thank you for this great advice! I’m not who you’re replying to but you’ve really helped me, also an only child with similar mom.
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If you want to keep your sanity, don't move her in with you and your boyfriend. It will put a major strain on the relationship between the two of you and he can walk away. You can't. Dementia doesn't get better, it only gets worse as time goes by. In my opinion there should only be one move and that's into assisted living. Not knowing anything about your moms finances, I hope that's an option for her. With what you described, it doesn't sound like she is safe at home alone. Maybe telling her that she is moving to a new home of her own might be easier for her to still feel independent. Hugs and prayers for a good future for you and your mom!
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