I find myself in a complicated situation with my mom, and I am just not sure what to tackle first. My mom, who has always been incredibly independent, has shown signs of dementia for the past couple of years, although she continues to live independently in a town in Indiana, where she moved when I was already an adult. She has been managing on her own, but on my recent visit, I began to worry more intensively about her. While her house is very clean, and she manages most ADLs (with a bit less bathing than may be ideal), her short term memory has gotten a lot worse. She truly believes that there is nothing wrong with her, and refuses all assistance I attempt to provide. I live in New York with my husband, and am not very familiar with the town she is in. I also don't drive (I know), which means that I feel a lot like a 12 year old when I visit her, and have yet to make any meaningful moves to help her. She occasionally agrees to sign a POA, but will disagree the moment it comes to go to a notary. She does not have a Primary Care physician and my various schemes to get her to a doctor have failed royally and painfully.
This, alone, would be difficult enough, but there is more. My mom has been renting her 1 bedroom house from friends who own it, and have rented it out at a reduced rate. They are now selling the house, and are willing to sell it to me, but it appears that any of the mortgage options that I could actually afford would require my mom to be the primary borrower, and me to sign on as a co-borrower. Obviously, I have a lot of qualms about this.
We are working toward getting my mom to move in with us, although that will require a move on our part as we live in a very small one bedroom apartment at the moment. We figure that we will have to move to somewhere in the suburbs to make a comfortable environment for my mom, but unfortunately, all of the rich people in NYC moved out there during the pandemic, and rent prices are incredibly high. My husband is an immigrant, who has recently gotten his dream job, and it is really important for him to remain in the position, so we would need to be within a 90 minute commute range to continue to work (and since our rent will at least double, we will both need to keep our jobs). Also, my mom adamantly refuses to move in with us, as she feels that she is of perfectly sound mind and health.
I am an only child, and was raised only by my mom (who is also an only child), so I don't really have anyone to help me (besides my husband and his family). Does anyone have any ideas? Should I work to be a co-buyer on her house, so that she doesn't have to undergo a transition and push harder for in home care? Should I somehow kidnap her and drag her to an apartment I can barely afford on the East Coast? I'm feeling very lost right now!