My dad is 92 and my research shows he is in Stage 6c-e of Alzheimer's.
My dad thinks he is back at work, in the 1980s. I go along with it and join in the conversation as much as I can, but he knows I am not a businesswoman nor do I have a background in it. But I want to be there for my dad, and if it means talking like it's the 80's and he's still working, I can do that, no problem.
I do know enough about his past job to ask questions that pertain to his work. I ask how he should proceed with the "projects" he is currently working on. I sort of wing it, and he says I've been quite helpful.
Last year at this time, my dad would tell me that he needs a job to support his family. I would remind him that his finances are in order and he doesn't need to work. (I understand now I should not have said that.)
But then my dad would say, "OK, but how can I keep myself busy? I want to be productive." He used to write newsletters for work, so I suggested he write a newsletter on bird watching, which he loves. But then he'd ask, "How will I get paid?"
Last year he was quite focused on earning money. Part of me wanted to send him a check, to give him what he wanted: a paycheck. But last year he was aware it was 2024, so he was only focused on earning money every now and then. I never did send him a check.
But these days he thinks he is at work more often than not. (One thing that has changed is he does not bring up the need to earn money. I don't know if that will return.)
My husband is a businessman, and currently my dad thinks he and my husband are working together at my dad's business. My husband is really the only person my dad wants to talk to lately.
The issue: my husband wants to remind my dad that he is retired, does not need to work or earn money, and he should just relax and enjoy life. My husband doesn't seem to have patience for my dad's conversations about work, yet he is my dad's number one choice for work conversation.
I tell my husband that this will not help my dad. My husband and I have discussed this many times, and I just cannot get him to understand.
I suggested my husband read some of the countless articles and books by professionals and those living with dementia patients so he can become more educated on the subject of how to talk to someone with Alzheimer's. He sort of rolls his eyes.
Then my husband said to me, "If I find proof that it's ok to correct people with dementia, will you be ok with my telling him what I want to tell him?"
My husband is adamant that his way is the right way to handle this situation, instead of therapeutic fibbing.
I relented and said ok. I'm crossing my fingers that my husband is unsuccessful.
My advice is to keep your husband away from your dad because he's causing more trouble than he's curing. You're doing a great job with dad so keep it up.
PS....after reading your added info, when you FaceTime dad, just tell him your husband isn't home at the moment. God bless you for having TWO parents to deal with, and your dear brother also. Best of luck.
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
I'm sorry you're having this problem with your husband. He has for some reason decided to be bullheaded and inconsiderate of you and dad. Perhaps he is feeling that he doesn't get enough of your attention because you're so concentrated on dad. Maybe he's like a child who resents another child coming along and capturing all of mommy's attention.
I can't tell you what to do about that, but I know what I'd do. I'd disengage a bit from husband and stop talking about dad, dad, dad. Taking care of an elder with dementia tends to narrow our outlook on everything. Nothing else seems important sometimes. So I get it. I've done it.
This is how taking care of parents with dementia can change a couple's marriage forever. Just sayin'.
Nevertheless, it sounds as if your parents' mental health is deteriorating rapidly, and this might not be a problem for very much longer.
You said that their care can be afforded. I hope that's out of their own money. You and your brother don't know what the future holds - you may need more money than you realise for your own old age or ill health. Similarly, do not send your dad cheques for his imaginary job - that's a step too far for therapeutic fibs.
Please don't stress too much about your husband not understanding (or trying to understand) how to deal with dementia. It isn't his strength, but I'm sure he has others. It won't hurt your dad as much as it seems - I'm afraid he'll forget what's been said soon enough.
Do be open to your parents going into care if it seems that in-home care isn't enough.
Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.
My brother manages my parents' finances, and they are paying for their own in-home care. We do supplement often, however, in various ways. I have not sent any checks to my dad--it seems he has forgotten about wanting to get paid.
I now have a new perspective about what "saving money for the future" really means--however my husband thinks robots will be taking care of the elderly one day...
And all this has made me not want to be around past 85 years old. What will I be like when I'm that age, or in my 90s, not one but both my parents have dementia.
Thanks again.
He also would be completely unable to tell therapeutic fibs, even when faced with advanced dementia.
I don't know how to help you, sorry. But I do commiserate.
It might be wiser if your can help your dad to develop several different interests. Your hubby may be more willing to discuss one of those other topics.
- impaired short-term memory means he will have to "correct" your Dad over and over again, like Groundhog's Day. It won't stick, no matter how many times he tries. Does he really want to spend his time doing that? Your husband may be better off just redirecting the conversation to something else or distracting your Dad with something else. Or, he can ignore it and pretend he's getting a phone call and walk out of the room.
- dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic, so trying to get them to "see" an error in their thinking will be futile, and will make them feel bad about something they don't understand and can't control.
Maybe your husband's issue is that he sees himself in your Dad and it is unnerving him, thinking that one day that might be him who is being patronized. It's not that uncommon a response to something that is heartbreaking to watch and difficult to adjust to.
Also consider that if your Dad lives with you, your husband maybe doesn't feel like he can tell you he secretly doesn't really like this arrangement; maybe he doesn't feel like he's your priority anymore; maybe he mourns or resents the loss of his privacy. These are all things that have been expressed on this forum a multitude of times by spouses who live with their declining inlaws. Many spouses feel like they'd be the "bad guy" for wanting the inlaw to move to a facility.
If he wants "proof" about the benefits of therapeutic fibs, show him this thread and many other posts on this forum. There was recently a post about a Mom in a MC facility who thought a doll was a real baby and became extremely upset when the staff didn't treat it like it was her real baby. People with dementia can no longer bring their minds to a place of contentment and peace. Medication can only do so much. My own Aunt with advanced dementia thought a stuffed rainbow-colored llama was her baby, and we all went along with it. It didn't cost us anything to do it, and the gain was that it made her happy, kept her busy in a good way and gave her a sense of purpose and worth as a Mother.
When someone is in the throes of dementia it is so very important that we meet them where they are at in their world, not ours. And until your ignorant husband understands that, things will never change.
Perhaps you need to let your husband read the responses on your post. It may just open his eyes.
her no wonder I am so tired. She said it was fun and we should do it again some time. She was also obsessed with her car keys so we brought in her keys and hung them where she could see them. It made her happy and kept her calm. We all figured that as long as she was happy that was all that mattered in the long run. To keep her content. Unfortunately we lost her 5 weeks ago but I do not feel guilty of playing along with her. My sister would constantly correct Mom if she said something that was not true which in turn upset Mom.i see no harm in it as long as everything calm.
good luck
It sounds like you gave her so much joy by joining in her world tho! I am trying to do the same and appreciate hearing your story, so thank you for sharing!