My husband doesn't want to "therapeutic fib" to my dad

Nothing like a know-it-all who refuses to educate himself about dementia, huh? If DH happens to "find something" about always speaking the truth to an elder with advanced AD, then he's created it himself.

My advice is to keep your husband away from your dad because he's causing more trouble than he's curing. You're doing a great job with dad so keep it up.

PS....after reading your added info, when you FaceTime dad, just tell him your husband isn't home at the moment. God bless you for having TWO parents to deal with, and your dear brother also. Best of luck.

I think this concept is paramount:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

No matter what husband says to dad, your father will remain in his own world. It is a kind world, a place where he finds comfort, and there's nothing wrong with that. Dad won't remember for long what husband says to him, probably.

I'm sorry you're having this problem with your husband. He has for some reason decided to be bullheaded and inconsiderate of you and dad. Perhaps he is feeling that he doesn't get enough of your attention because you're so concentrated on dad. Maybe he's like a child who resents another child coming along and capturing all of mommy's attention.

I can't tell you what to do about that, but I know what I'd do. I'd disengage a bit from husband and stop talking about dad, dad, dad. Taking care of an elder with dementia tends to narrow our outlook on everything. Nothing else seems important sometimes. So I get it. I've done it.

This is how taking care of parents with dementia can change a couple's marriage forever. Just sayin'.

It may be that your husband is incapable of diverging from reality and playing along with your dad's fantasy world. But that doesn't mean that he needs to be brutally honest either. He can just say that he's off the clock and doesn't want to talk about work right now.
Nevertheless, it sounds as if your parents' mental health is deteriorating rapidly, and this might not be a problem for very much longer.

You said that their care can be afforded. I hope that's out of their own money. You and your brother don't know what the future holds - you may need more money than you realise for your own old age or ill health. Similarly, do not send your dad cheques for his imaginary job - that's a step too far for therapeutic fibs.

Please don't stress too much about your husband not understanding (or trying to understand) how to deal with dementia. It isn't his strength, but I'm sure he has others. It won't hurt your dad as much as it seems - I'm afraid he'll forget what's been said soon enough.

Do be open to your parents going into care if it seems that in-home care isn't enough.

Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

My husband has trouble with 'pretend'. Dislikes fiction books, dislikes most fantasy movies. It has it's pros & cons.. Will give his unfiltered opinion to being asked "Does this outfit look OK?"

He also would be completely unable to tell therapeutic fibs, even when faced with advanced dementia.

I don't know how to help you, sorry. But I do commiserate.

You may want to consider that when your hubby comes home from work, he doesn't want to talk about work. It seems like he never left work and cannot relax.

It might be wiser if your can help your dad to develop several different interests. Your hubby may be more willing to discuss one of those other topics.

i Think you are right to go along with your dads conversation, enter his world because he is unable to enter your world If you correct him and tell him he is wrong, it becomes frustrating for him because in his mind, he is still working. My husband insisted I take him back to his shop where he has worked because he had left his tools out and someone would steal them. First I tried correcting him and then I realized he was convinced that he had to go get them. I drove him there, drove all over around that area and then he said we’d better go back home. I never questioned his decision and we drove back. I have read several articles about dementia and it says to go along with him, otherwise it will create an argument and that is upsetting to him. My husband is in the late stages just like your dad and is even is having trouble talking, the words are there but he can’t express them very well. This is a horrible disease !

My MIL lived alone in AL. Her grown children (and grandchildren) lived in VA, and MD. So, no one was nearby except her own elderly siblings, and none of them talked to each other regularly. We all asked her to move in with us, and also offered to get her a nice Apt instead, but up here where we lived. The answer was always “no” to everything. On our last visit, she told us “she was going to die in her own Apt”.

Well, she almost did. We had all been calling her, and getting no answer for a couple of days, which we figured out by calling each other. We just assumed she was out at the hair dresser, pharmacy or grocery store. We finally called her youngest brother to go check on her.

Turned out she was on her LR floor after suffering a massive stroke. EMT’s assumed 3 days based on her tv guide page. Long story short - she survived it, but not unscathed. After several weeks in the hospital with a drain in her skull to relieve pressure, she had to go into a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. She couldn’t stand or walk, and struggled to talk. Over time, with speech therapy, her speech improved, but she remained immobile had to be moved from bed to bathroom or a wheelchair by means of a lift.

This isn’t Dementia, but might as well be. What none of us were prepared for was the total loss of her short term memory. My husband (her son) and I would fly down to visit, and she thought he was his Dad (who passed away years before). The NH staff told us to correct her immediately every time she made a mistake like that, so we did, as gently as we could. We’d say, “Mom, it’s your son and DIL”. However, we could see on her face that it made her feel bad for us to do that. Sometimes she perked up after a minute and looked at my husband and said, “When did you get here? Did you see your Dad leave?”. When we’d come back in the afternoon, we’d repeat the same thing. As someone said … groundhog day. Sometimes she knew my husband, but most times not. Or she’d tell us to “go out on the porch and fix yourselves a plate. I just cooked a ham and made potato salad and (green) beans”. So we’d say “sounds great! We’ll go do that soon”. Then the Nurses would say, “You both need to correct her when she says things like that. Bring her back to the present”. But from what we could see - there was no “present” for her anymore. Just past memories where she “lived”. She no longer read books or magazines (she had been an avid reader). A small tv was often on, but it was just noise. She didn’t watch it. I don’t know if she even noticed it. She didn’t ever look at it while we were there.

Anyway, we talked over the “correcting her”situation and made a command decision NOT to correct her anymore. If she was confused as to who my husband was, he’d step into the hall and then back in, and I’d say “Look who’s here Mom, your son”. Solved lots of things she could not help. We certainly felt better about it. Told my SIL what we’d decided, and she agreed. Why make Mom feel bad when she couldn’t fix it herself? It was obvious to us all she was stuck somewhere back in time - and maybe that was God’s gift to her so she wasn’t fully aware of her situation. I pray He’s that kind to me. So, we kept that up until she passed away in 2006 (86).

Now she’s with her beloved husband again. 4 1/2 years ago, my SIL and my Husband both joined them, 3 weeks apart. So, now it’s just me and my SIL’s extended family. I read, work puzzles (paper and jigsaw), go to church, grocery shop, and get together with friends. A friend and I take my Godmother, who lives in memory care, out to lunch at least monthly. We guide our conversations to get her back to the present and off repetitious subjects, etc. It’s just a cycle of life.

I see in these people where I may someday be. My father’s mother sat silently in a chair until she died. My mother’s family were all lucid. If and when I’m no longer aware, I hope and pray someone will be as kind to me.

My 89 year oldMom did some of those same things. I doesn’t hurt one bit to play along even though you know differently. Mom had stated that she and I were baking a lot of pies for one week. I just told
her no wonder I am so tired. She said it was fun and we should do it again some time. She was also obsessed with her car keys so we brought in her keys and hung them where she could see them. It made her happy and kept her calm. We all figured that as long as she was happy that was all that mattered in the long run. To keep her content. Unfortunately we lost her 5 weeks ago but I do not feel guilty of playing along with her. My sister would constantly correct Mom if she said something that was not true which in turn upset Mom.i see no harm in it as long as everything calm.
good luck

I don't believe in further confusing a dementia patient by insisting that whatever it is they currently believe is false, that so-and-so has been dead 40 years, that we are currently living in a house destroyed years ago, etc etc. The person is in their own reality, the easiest and kindest thing is to just meet them where they are.