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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mum's doctor referred her to the hospital where she had many tests and scans. This was during the first Covid lockdown, and we got the results by letter instead of at the surgery with the GP. It was left to me to tell Mum.
I read the letter, passed to me by her husband while I was visiting. It confirmed my fears, yet I still felt the shock of reading it in black and white - vascular dementia, brain atrophy, possible Alzheimer's as well - and no medication for this because of contraindications due to epilepsy and its necessary medication.
I steeled myself, then told mum calmly, gently and in a matter of fact way. I thought there would be a dramatic reaction, but Mum shut herself off and went back to staring at the TV.
I think it was too much for her to deal with, but I'm sure she understood because she retained her intelligence and some critical thinking abilities, even when she couldn't remember where she was or how to make a cup of tea.
In the early days, if Mum heard her dementia diagnosis mentioned, she'd pull a puzzled face and say she doesn't have that. I'd gently tell her that she'd forgotten I'd told her; then she'd use dry humour about dementia and not being able to remember. Mum had a dark, wicked sense of humour, which she retained and brought out when you'd least expect it. Right up to a month or so before she died (on those few very good days when it seemed like she'd been brought back to us for a while).
I know that this isn't everyone's experience, but you really don't know how someone with dementia will react. So, you have to do what you think is best, depending on the circumstances.
Can I add that it doesn't matter if your mum says her mind is fine? There's no point in arguing. In fact, it would most likely be counteractive. The only times you might need to say anything about the diagnosis directly to her is if she wants to drive, or do anything else that could prove dangerous due to her condition.
Why would it matter who tells her when the truth is that it won't necessarily compute, nor will she understand the diagnosis or be able to hang on to the information?
It matters who because; some blame the messenger and want to kill the messenger or rip their heads off or rip their hearts out, that's why it matters; imo.
My Moms Neurologist never said the word Dementia. He sat down in front of my Mom and told her what to expect. Also, told her no more driving. I told her later when she asked that she had Dementia. First and only time. She saw an article in the paper about Dementia and said "look, an articlevin whatvyou told me I have".
My mom has just been diagnosed and I’ve been wondering if enduring the massive tantrum that would come with telling her she has Alzheimer’s would be worth me “trying to be honest” when the odds aren’t good she’ll even remember. I hadn’t decided what to do yet but now I’m leaning towards “why bother”.
Yep, why bother. She can't remember or will choose not to and it can become a huge trust issue with you, on top of all her other warm and fuzzy feelings about you.
Hindsight tells me that I will never be sharing that diagnosis with anyone in the future. It's the doctors job to give patients the diagnosis, period!
My husband knew exactly what was happening to him when he began to have symptoms of dementia. He'd write them down, with date, study them and suggest to himself how to proceed, such as "ask doctor," "make sure this gets fixed," etc.
Because he was able to be honest with himself, we were able to have conversations about how I should handle his care when he no longer could.
I suspect this is rare, based on what I read on this site. I wonder if there is a way to engender interest in educating people who recognize they are losing cognition. A training course for them and their families that they all can follow in the early days before diagnosis of what they have known for a long long time. My DH's methodical approach helped me a lot.
My sister was aware as well that she had dementia ( originally self diagnosed ). She got all her paperwork in order , had conversations with her son and I , including asking me to “ support “ her son in placing her when necessary .
She has been in a board and care home since this past Fall and has been putting my nephew ( her son) through the wringer , including managing to have the bank take his access away . He has POA and pays her bills . She called the Office of Aging and accused him of financial abuse , which is not true . She’s very sneaky . Nephew was able to gain access again , after an investigation proved he only uses her money for her care. He is now going to hire a care manager to handle some of her other shenanigans that she pulls in an effort to “ go back home “. She believes there is nothing wrong with her , refuses meds for her delusions and paranoia . Depending on the day she either says she’s been misdiagnosed, or she’s “ all better “ from taking Aricept .
I don't know how many times my aunt kept shouting how nothing had changed for her. She kept shouting how she's been independent and on her own since 1985! What's changed now? Seriously? I guess she'd forgotten that she had accidents all over the floor because she couldn't get to the bathroom on her own. How she flips out on you at the mention of a bath or changing. She refused to go and get a diagnosis and my cousins who live nearby won't take her because in their eyes, "She's fine. She's coming along. I think her mind is crystal clear". My POA was frustrating and I kept hearing, "Take her to court". No. I don't have money or time to stand up with someone fighting them in court. She hasn't been officially diagnosed, but the signs are 100% there. We've been telling her, but she will cry and scream for hours in denial. I beg to not have this cruel disease.
She takes a cognitive/memory test at her primary doctor visit. Then it goes into her medical records and the results can be found through her medical portal access. BUT: when I turned 65 last year and went for my first free Medicare annual wellness exam they asked me if I wanted the cognitive/memory test. I said yes, but even if your Mom did go in for the exam, she could have turned down this test.
If your Mom still drives then she can have a virtual driving assessment ordered by her primary doctor that happens through their OT department. I just did this last fall with my 95-yr old Mom who insisted she was still a good drive. I will say that compared to other drivers her age, she was decent but the OT gave her a 30-question MoCA test for executive function and a physical reaction test, both of which she failed with flying colors. The Dept of Public Safety then cancelled her license because the primary doctor is a mandated reporter of those test results.
One strategy may be to sit down with your Mom when she is calm and seems "clear" (I recommend mid morning) and you've not been arguing about anything.
Ask her how she's doing and if she needs help with anything and then just listen. You can then make some suggestions about how to solve some of those needs (give her 2 options). She still may refuse help but keep bringing up offers to help. This is what I had to do with my 2 elderly Aunts. It took them 6 months but they eventually called me up one day and said they were ready for outside help. It blew me away.
It's really important that your Mom have her legal protections in place. Here you can lead by example: make an appointment for both of you to see a CELA (certified elder law attorney). You can tell her that you know you're not going to be whole, health or here forever and that you need to assign a PoA and created a Living Will (Advance Healthcare Directive) and Will. I did this with my in-laws. Only my MIL assigned a PoA. Her husband refused. When his Parkinsons got really bad and he developed Lewy Body dementia we had to involve social services and he became a ward of court-assigned guardian who transitioned him into a facility. You can try to impress upon your Mom that there are protections *every adult* over age 55 should be making because not having them in place is a certain disaster. Part of the process is getting the cognitive assessment. If you are over 65 then you can tell her you've take the test so that you and your doctor have a baseline measurement and so that no one can "accuse you" of being impaired (wink). Sort of a reverse strategy approach. I did this when my 95-yr old Mom's driving was devolving. She insisted she was still a good driver and I said you can prove it everyone by taking the virtual driving assessment that her doctor ordered. She failed, which was no surprise.
The goal with your Mom is to get her to put her legal protections in place and THEN get her to finalize the process with a "baseline" cognitive exam. It may take a lot of cajoling but keep at it for both of your sakes.
My FIL flipped out on the doctor and said “ my mind is as good as ever “ . We heard that for the duration . Your mom will most likely deny it forever . Early on people know there is something wrong and are compensating for it .
By the time it is very noticeable by others that somethlng is wrong, but the person with dementia no longer recognizes that there is , they are entering more moderate to advanced dementia and should not be living alone .
Hopefully your mother has funds for care. Look for an assisted living that also has a memory care . I do not recommend moving in with Mom or Mom living with you.
Her doctor should tell her. Although it may not do much as she will probably not retain the conversation. If it helps he can write out what the diagnosis is as well as "do s and don't s" like she can no longer drive, she can't live alone. You will have to accept that she will continue to deny the diagnosis. If you do not have all the legal things taken care of do that ASAP. Does she have a POA, is there someone that knows her medical wishes?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It was left to me to tell Mum.
I read the letter, passed to me by her husband while I was visiting. It confirmed my fears, yet I still felt the shock of reading it in black and white - vascular dementia, brain atrophy, possible Alzheimer's as well - and no medication for this because of contraindications due to epilepsy and its necessary medication.
I steeled myself, then told mum calmly, gently and in a matter of fact way. I thought there would be a dramatic reaction, but Mum shut herself off and went back to staring at the TV.
I think it was too much for her to deal with, but I'm sure she understood because she retained her intelligence and some critical thinking abilities, even when she couldn't remember where she was or how to make a cup of tea.
In the early days, if Mum heard her dementia diagnosis mentioned, she'd pull a puzzled face and say she doesn't have that. I'd gently tell her that she'd forgotten I'd told her; then she'd use dry humour about dementia and not being able to remember. Mum had a dark, wicked sense of humour, which she retained and brought out when you'd least expect it. Right up to a month or so before she died (on those few very good days when it seemed like she'd been brought back to us for a while).
I know that this isn't everyone's experience, but you really don't know how someone with dementia will react. So, you have to do what you think is best, depending on the circumstances.
My best wishes to you.
The only times you might need to say anything about the diagnosis directly to her is if she wants to drive, or do anything else that could prove dangerous due to her condition.
IMO, the doctor should tell her.
Hindsight tells me that I will never be sharing that diagnosis with anyone in the future. It's the doctors job to give patients the diagnosis, period!
Because he was able to be honest with himself, we were able to have conversations about how I should handle his care when he no longer could.
I suspect this is rare, based on what I read on this site. I wonder if there is a way to engender interest in educating people who recognize they are losing cognition. A training course for them and their families that they all can follow in the early days before diagnosis of what they have known for a long long time. My DH's methodical approach helped me a lot.
She has been in a board and care home since this past Fall and has been putting my nephew ( her son) through the wringer , including managing to have the bank take his access away . He has POA and pays her bills . She called the Office of Aging and accused him of financial abuse , which is not true . She’s very sneaky . Nephew was able to gain access again , after an investigation proved he only uses her money for her care. He is now going to hire a care manager to handle some of her other shenanigans that she pulls in an effort to “ go back home “. She believes there is nothing wrong with her , refuses meds for her delusions and paranoia . Depending on the day she either says she’s been misdiagnosed, or she’s “ all better “ from taking Aricept .
She refused to go and get a diagnosis and my cousins who live nearby won't take her because in their eyes, "She's fine. She's coming along. I think her mind is crystal clear".
My POA was frustrating and I kept hearing, "Take her to court". No. I don't have money or time to stand up with someone fighting them in court.
She hasn't been officially diagnosed, but the signs are 100% there. We've been telling her, but she will cry and scream for hours in denial.
I beg to not have this cruel disease.
If I said anything I was called an effing liar, no winning with dementia, just figuring it out 1 day, 1 crisis, 1 change at a time.
Best of luck navigating this terrible disease.
BUT: when I turned 65 last year and went for my first free Medicare annual wellness exam they asked me if I wanted the cognitive/memory test. I said yes, but even if your Mom did go in for the exam, she could have turned down this test.
If your Mom still drives then she can have a virtual driving assessment ordered by her primary doctor that happens through their OT department. I just did this last fall with my 95-yr old Mom who insisted she was still a good drive. I will say that compared to other drivers her age, she was decent but the OT gave her a 30-question MoCA test for executive function and a physical reaction test, both of which she failed with flying colors. The Dept of Public Safety then cancelled her license because the primary doctor is a mandated reporter of those test results.
One strategy may be to sit down with your Mom when she is calm and seems "clear" (I recommend mid morning) and you've not been arguing about anything.
Ask her how she's doing and if she needs help with anything and then just listen. You can then make some suggestions about how to solve some of those needs (give her 2 options). She still may refuse help but keep bringing up offers to help. This is what I had to do with my 2 elderly Aunts. It took them 6 months but they eventually called me up one day and said they were ready for outside help. It blew me away.
It's really important that your Mom have her legal protections in place. Here you can lead by example: make an appointment for both of you to see a CELA (certified elder law attorney). You can tell her that you know you're not going to be whole, health or here forever and that you need to assign a PoA and created a Living Will (Advance Healthcare Directive) and Will. I did this with my in-laws. Only my MIL assigned a PoA. Her husband refused. When his Parkinsons got really bad and he developed Lewy Body dementia we had to involve social services and he became a ward of court-assigned guardian who transitioned him into a facility. You can try to impress upon your Mom that there are protections *every adult* over age 55 should be making because not having them in place is a certain disaster. Part of the process is getting the cognitive assessment. If you are over 65 then you can tell her you've take the test so that you and your doctor have a baseline measurement and so that no one can "accuse you" of being impaired (wink). Sort of a reverse strategy approach. I did this when my 95-yr old Mom's driving was devolving. She insisted she was still a good driver and I said you can prove it everyone by taking the virtual driving assessment that her doctor ordered. She failed, which was no surprise.
The goal with your Mom is to get her to put her legal protections in place and THEN get her to finalize the process with a "baseline" cognitive exam. It may take a lot of cajoling but keep at it for both of your sakes.
Your mom will most likely deny it forever . Early on people know there is something wrong and are compensating for it .
By the time it is very noticeable by others that somethlng is wrong, but the person with dementia no longer recognizes that there is , they are entering more moderate to advanced dementia and should not be living alone .
Hopefully your mother has funds for care. Look for an assisted living that also has a memory care . I do not recommend moving in with Mom or Mom living with you.
If you do not have all the legal things taken care of do that ASAP. Does she have a POA, is there someone that knows her medical wishes?