I would like to know what agencies qualify under Genworth in order for me to seek training so that I could be her caregiver. She is currently in assisted living and has short term memory loss but we feel she would be much happier with us. Of course I would have to quit my current job to do so.

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Are you new to this site, by any chance, Blong?

You'll have to forgive my levity. I'm just imagining cups of coffee coming out of people's noses all around the world when they read your post.

It is very sensible to think of training for the role you propose to take on.

It's just that we need to go back a bit.

Caring for a loved one, on your own, at home, with or without training, and giving up your job to do it...

Why is this not a good idea? Let me count the ways...

It *can* be a good idea. It can work. It's just that - what are we guessing? - 99 times out of 100? - if people had known in advance what they discover halfway through they would never have taken the job on.

Bear with us while we get our questions lined up.
Helpful Answer (36)

I don't drink coffee, but Diet Coke shot out my nose when I read your post----ouch!

As far as training, I don't know--every state has different requirements to fulfill in order to be paid for in home CG.

Having said that---
MIL is IN a facility now? Can you not just make that a better environment for her? I know you are probably the kindest soul on earth to think that this move would be "best" for MIL--and maybe, just maybe, it would be.

Are you operating on guilt? A feeling of obligation? There are SO MANY folks on these boards who are desperately working to GET their parents INTO some kind of ALF so they DON'T have the burden of FT caregiving. Read a lot of posts....some are absolutely horrifying.

Quitting your job will be huge. You're trading 40 hrs per week for 24/7 hours per week. Much less pay, a ton more stress, MIL will not get "better", only worse, that's the truth.

Take an hour and troll through these boards, esp the one on depression and caregiver burnout.

I think you sound amazing. But naïve.

If after all you read, you're still convinced mom would be better with you, then I wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (24)

Blong.. I nearly choked on my sandwich reading your post..You truly are a saint to be so thoughtful for your MIL it all must seem ok now but have you thought long term when she gets worse is your husband willing to take on any of the responsibility of his mother..Sorry to be putting a damper on your situation. I am talking from experience my MIL moved in with us 3 years ago she it was the worst step we ever took but due to situation at that time we had no choice. 3 years later I have nobody helping me hubby totally has lumbered all the responsibility on me althou its his mother..We hardly have any marriage left his mother has got physically worse & I am burnt out feel like I have aged so much in the last 3 years. I really suggest that you think about this long term if I had a choice back then I would have said NO WAY!!!
Helpful Answer (23)

Hi blong82264. I admire you so much for your willingness to take your MIL into your home and be her caregiver, plus go through training. You strike me as someone who has a huge heart. I don't know about your current situation, such as what you do for work... and I'm not sure about Genworth.

But I do have a couple of questions. We overlooked how much our lives would change in bringing an elderly parent into our home. I think a lot of folks on this forum are in the same boat. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. We were so preoccupied by her needs, that we did not consider ours.. You say that your MIL will be much happier with you and your hubby, but have you fully considered your happiness in the equation? Have you considered the impact of having her move into your home will have on all aspects of your life - emotional, relationships, financial, privacy, etc?
Helpful Answer (22)

I have a simple, three word answer: Don't do it! Mom's condition will just be getting worse and her needs will just be getting greater. While she would be happier living with you now, her safety and your happiness need to be considered as well.
Helpful Answer (22)

blong82264, your Mom-in-law is in Assisted Living for a reason, it takes a village to help take care of a person who has Alzheimer's/Dementia.

It is not unusual for a resident of an Assisted Living facility or a nursing home to not be happy where they are. And the same would hold true if you brought your Mom-in-law into your home. The only place Mom would enjoy would be her childhood home back when life was fun and simple.

You will find that before you know it you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers. You would be exhausted from the lost of sleep,and from all the physical work involved. And 40% of family caregivers pass away leaving behind the love one they were caring. Not good odds.

Regarding your employment. Most people who contemplate leaving their job don't take into consideration the net worth of any benefit that they receive. The net worth of company offered health insurance is enormous. Matching 401(k) and profit sharing if offered by your company. Company sponsored life insurance. Paid vacation days, paid sick days, etc.

Will your husband be helping? He probably said he would, but would he bathe his Mom, probably not. Would he change her Depends, doubt it. Would he run out to buy groceries, hope so. Would he take Mom to her doctor appointments? If you are home sick and can't help Mom, will hubby take a day off to do all the things you would be doing?

Some believe that hiring professional caregivers would help the situation. Yes, it would be a great help but only if Mom-in-law can budget for the cost. My Dad was paying $20k per month for his 3 shifts of caregivers. Assisted Living was much more reasonably priced so Dad decided to move there.
Helpful Answer (22)

Someone else asked a similar question about a month ago, I think that you need to look at it.

I am going to say the same thing that I said to that person:

As an adult child who quit her job and moved in with her mother after her father died, I advise you NOT TO QUIT YOUR JOB & NOT MOVE your MIL in with you. While my Mom was able to perform all of her ADLs up to the day that she went to the hospital, the stress of being in the same house as her 24hr/day, 7/week, 365 days/year had taken its token on my health--physically, mentally, emotionally. Yes, It saved us money because we had our "OWN Assisted Living Facility" in our house, but in the long run, it is costing me more in health insurance payments, doctor visits, therapy, and inability to return to work after being out of the workforce for 10 years.

You state that your MIL is in Assisted Living now. How much assistance does your MIL currently need to complete her ADLs (Activities of Daily Living, such as getting dressed, bathing, feeding oneself, walking, etc.) and Ancillary or Independent Activities of Daily Living--IDLs (such as writing checks, paying bills, shopping, driving a car, making decisions )? (Who is MIL's Durable POA and POA-Health Care?) If she needs physical assistance, are you strong enough to be able to transfer your MIL by yourself or is your husband going to be performing some of his Mother's cares or transfers from a chair to a bed or toilet by yourself?

Is your home handicap accessible or are you going to have to remodel it so that you MIL can get around easily? Is she going to sleep on the first floor of the house? Her ability to climb stairs will get worse and worse. If she becomes unsteady on her feet and needs someone to supervise her, will you be sleeping in the same room as her or is there another bed room on the first floor? Is the bathroom equipped with a walk-in shower big enough for a stool? Are you willing to put rails on the toilet to assist your MIL in standing? Look at your house from the view point of someone sitting in a chair. Your MIL may not use a wheel chair now, but if she has to, your house needs to be able to accommodate it. {Added: YOU may need to put a ramp on the front of your house if your MIL cannot climb stairs. Outside stairs are the hardest for the elderly to climb up or down.}

Are you prepared to give 24hours/7 days a week/365 days a year concentrating on your MIL's needs and wants and rarely being able to spend any time on your and your husbands needs and wants (unless your MIL gives you permission to do so and if her health is such that you can leave her alone for a few hours)? Are you prepared to sleep with one eye and one ear open are all times? Are you prepared to have your decisions questioned (even after you and your MIL have agreed on the same decision)? Are you prepared to not be able to go on vacation whenever you want to?

Do you and your husband have enough money in your savings accounts and mutual funds to be able to pay for your own health insurance (and car insurance and life insurance, etc.) for how ever long you do not have a job?
Since you will not have a job, you will NO LONGER be able to add to your 401K or to your former employer's retirement fund.
If your husband gets sick and cannot work or is killed in an accident, what money will be used to pay bills?
[If you do not have a job, you will NOT qualify for the current Affordable Care Act tax breaks nor can you purchase health insurance on the Marketplace website as you have NO INCOME. So you could end up paying $1,000+/month for health insurance.--unless you are covered under your husband's employee health insurance.]
Is your current job a "brick & mortar" building to do or can you perform your current job using your laptop? How will you stay up-to-date in your current field of employment if you are not employed? The longer you are NOT employed the less likely someone will be to hire you.

Any money that your MIL gives to you for taking care of you might be considered as a "gift" by Medicaid and might be counted against her 5-year "look-back" period. Unless you have a contract with MIL that you will provide care for a certain amount of money.

The first 7 years that I lived with my Mom were "good" years as Mom could take care of herself and we got along fairly well and occasionally had disagreements. In July 2015, Mom changed and she started to question everything I did --even if she and I had spent 2-3 hours sitting together making decisions about how to pay bills, etc. She started to have "small" delusions, I had to change from sleeping in the basement to sleeping on the same level as she did and I had to get up every time she got up (Q 2-3 hours) as she was unsteady on her feet. I couldn't leave town for a vacation as she would not allow me to do so (even overnight visits or attending conferences for the weekend were " forbidden"). In May 2017, my Mom was hospitalized and then she transferred to a long term care facility. She is now residing in their Memory Care Unit and requires a wheelchair and mechanical lift for all transfers. I could never have given her the quality of care at home that she is getting now.

Before you make any final decision to move your MIL in with you, your husband and you need to sit down and list all of the Pros and Cons of having your MIL live with you--financial, emotional, mental, physical and psychological. Read some of the posts on this website to see what others have had to deal with as their parents got older and needed more and more care.

Please think realistically about what your MIL's future needs might be and what your ability to care for her might be before moving her in with you. There are so many other options that might be just as good --or even better-- then moving in with your parents. If you decide that you want your MIL to live with you and your husband, there are several posts and articles about how to adapt to an additional family member on this website. Good Luck & God Bless!
Helpful Answer (22)

I would suggest 6 actions:

1. Search for similar posts, read them, itemize the problems, issues and solutions, and think about them and discuss with your husband. Develop solutions, by you and your husband, family if any will participate, outside agencies as WILL be necessary.

Be sure to include respite time for yourselves. And be sure to cost out the planned expenditures for private duty care, ambulettes, etc.

Also consider and cost out any adaptations, retrofits and/or additions you would have to make to accommodate MIL in your home.

2. Include in that last all the negatives, how you would handle them, and what you would have to sacrifice and how that would affect your lifestyle.

3. Read Jeanne Gibbs' posts. She's been a home caregiver with a remarkable attitude toward having done it as well as developed coping mechanisms. PM her and ask her for advice.

4. Consider and plan for mid-course corrections, after identifying everything that could go wrong, change and/or require a different approach.

5. Find local caregiver support groups; join a few if possible, and listen to problems others had and how they (tried to) resolve them. Take the Alzheimer's Assn. Creating Confident Caregiver course, identify and separate the problems and discuss privately how and if you could handle them.

6. Think about all of this for a few months before making a decision.

It can be done. I know someone who kept her husband with Alzheimer's at home for the 13 years from inception to death. She brought in a caregiver and the two of them managed the care themselves. But that's not the kind of situation that everyone can handle. You need to be prepared for extremely personal tasks when incontinence sets in, for the various stages of dementia, including but not limited to aggression.
Helpful Answer (15)

I don't know anything about the training part.
but depending on her short term bad is it? (and it slowly gets worse)
because ~besides~ any other medical condition....this will be very challenging.

as the dementia increases, so does bad judgment.

I used to be able to communicate with my mom when her memory was about 10 minutes long. now her memory is maybe ONE SECOND. so what ever I tell her goes in one ear and immediately out the other. and she will tell you "she is just fine"...she has no problems. and her judgment is bad. If she lived with me, I would have to watch her 24/7.
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Sweet lady, you would not need training, aside, perhaps, from reading a book entitled "The 36 hour day" a resource for taking care of a memory impaired loved one in you home...Be aware that nothing you do is going to necessarily be understood by your loved one...She may well be very contrary. You WILL be exhausted and frustrated and sooner or later burned out. If funds are available, leave her in the assisted living place. If not, perhaps she'd qualify for Medicaid.. (Ask the facility to have an assessment done on her.) Go to you local county social services and present your situation to them..

Meanwhile, be grateful for the gifts of the spirit, which you obviously have: Love,
joy, peace patience kindness goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
But my advice is: Don't do this to yourself..

Grace + Peace,

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