I suggested to my 93 year old mother that it was selfish to expect me to move over 150 miles from my home of 28 years, leaving everything behind for an unknown length of time, to be her unpaid carer. She snapped back, 'why shouldn't I be selfish! and I remembered my GP's advice. When it comes down to it, do you think my GP is absolutely correct in his assessment that it is either us or them?
I tallied it up.
Attend, be unable to help anyway, not be appreciated by LO anyway, possible longer wait for EMS as LO not 'home alone', usual refusal of LO to be transported, possible pressure for me to stay for observation. Definately wreck my own sleep. Definately increase my stress.
VS
I stay at home. Stay in bed. Rest my aching back. Get required sleep for my early start workday next day. Worry.. yes, but sleep.
I said No & stayed home. It seemed the lesser worst outcome but it is still upsetting me.
When my sister couldn't manage any longer, her kids expected me to step in. I hadn't spoken to any of them since my dad passed. When I said no, I got all types of sneaky memes on my Facebook page. They were blocked.
My Aunt experienced this, in her 80's. I could understand..
That the POA 'kid' just couldn't help much (very long distance, own serious health concerns). That another 'kid' had no authority to make changes, wasn't close by either. I understood the family needed a solution...
However, I did NOT understand the expectations those 'kids' had. It also took a firm stance of NO.
One of the most profound messages ever on Aging Care.
Thank You for sharing this. 🫂😞
Take care of yourself!!
ps, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ptsd.
A will cannot guarantee those assets will still exist at that time in the future.
If a person spends, loses, sells those assets, there may be little or nothing left to inherit.
Eg An person needs to move into 24/7 care. Their assets including property/home is sold to pay for care. Happens all the time.
⚠️ Take much care if entering into a *Work now for Pay Later* deal.
My mother-in-law and my husband seem to expect that when MIL got too frail she will come live with us. She is 91, and during Covid came to stay at our home for two months. She could not do the stairs, so she sat in the TV room on the second floor and watched TV all day. I had to cook three meals each day because she was there. If she needed to go somewhere, I had to take her. There were no friends, no activities, no one to help with her personal needs, no bus to the doctors and the store. Just me. Anything good or fun that happened only happened if I made it happen. That alone was extremely stressful. And she was mostly still able to take care of her own needs.
I feel so frustrated when people talk about assisted living centers as warehouses for old people, where we just send them to die. I see the assisted living place where my sister is (and where my mom was until she died) as a great blessing. It is a wonderful community where, if your LO will allow it, they can have a life. Care for an old person takes a team.
my MIL will go to assisted living when the time comes, and not to my home.
Just because she feels entitled to be selfish, doesn't mean you have to define yourself as selfish, if you don't do exactly what she wants.
Also, she sounds scared maybe, ...rather than (just)selfish. Might the two of you talk about what her fears are, and then address the fears. It's perfectly normal to fear aging or the loss of independence, but it's overwhelming for some people, I know. That may not be possible.
You might find something that works for you AND ALSO helps her.
How about: I cannot move out to be your care taker, but I can...
Fill in the blank _________whatever works for you_______.
ie
call you every –––––––––.
help you find a Carer
help you find asissted living or a convalecent home
help you find a therapist or social worker so you can I identify your fears about dying.
I told my dad I could NOT take care of him full time,
but I could help him find and move into a skilled nuring facility near me.
Heartbreaking, yes.
Realistic, yes.
Safest choice for us, yes.
Preserved our relationship, yes.
Good luck to you and your mom.
B
Good luck.
B
After this gruelling marathon, I am emotionally exhausted—I make daily, intentional efforts to get my life back—it is arduous work, but for my own sake, I need to re-claim it.
I wish, though, that I had just stayed put 10 years ago. The path was too hard and took too much from me. I feel like a shell of myself, but will re-build myself and my life.
Your GP was absolutely correct.
Both my parents are gone, but I have an aunt with dementia and it was expected of me to leave my home and all of my familiar surroundings to go and stay with her for God knows how long.
She was adamant that she didn't want help in the house unless it was someone she could trust. Meaning me. My other cousins were all expecting me to give up my life, my job and move in and take care of her. I will never forget it or forget how little they all thought of me.
I did a lot for her, but it was more, more, more. Mind you, I was spending my own money, at that. Family decided tag, I was it. Aunt got rid of the caregivers I got in for her.
I came here for advice from the wisdom of others and a few other close friends/coworkers, and I gave up my POA and I stopped visiting altogether.
Aunt has written me off. I don't hear from that side of the family anymore who tried to trap me and I am much happier.
You can really get yourself into a mess of a trap trying to help others, and it will never be enough. The more you give, the more they expect until there is nothing left.
Your GP was absolutely correct in his assessment. Hats off to him.
I wish mine had given me that advice. My parents lived across the street from us, and while I don't think they did it intentionally, they treated me like their personal 911 service for 4 years...24/7/365. Anytime they had a real emergency--or thought they did--they called me and it didn't matter if it was day or night with the expectation that i would come over and take care of things. On many occasions, that included multiple calls over night before finally deciding it was time to go to the ER at 4am. I spent Christmas Day 2023 with my mom in the ER and missed spending the day with my own family because Mom's pinched nerve in her back was acting up, missed Thanksgiving Day with my family because Dad had chemo on Wednesday and kept falling all day on Thanksgiving and couldnt get up by himself, etc.. Between the two of them, they had 47 ER visits in 4 years and I took them every single time, along with all the routine visits, check ups, procedures, cancer treatment, hospitalization follow ups, etc.
My health finally broke last year when I had RSV, bacterial pneumonia and viral pneumonia simultaneously. I was sick for 6 weeks. My GP said it was the result of the culminating stress and depleting my immune system thanks to the non-stop phone calls all night, every night with supposed emergencies.
It forced me to step back. I wish I had done so years earlier.
I remember back when the demands were growing & multiplying.. (I called it the bottomless bog of needs).
I need ABC-XYZ. I want YOU to do ABC-XYZ.
I said "I hear you. You need ABC-XYZ. I will do A. You will need to find OTHER people to do all the rest."
You get the LOOK.. of What!!??
How Dare You. 😂
But in time, my LO saw the truth of it. They did in fact hire & arrange OTHER people.
If I had tried to manage it at home, I would be dead by now. It still took a toll on my own mental and physical health. Her gp said to me when she fell and broke the ribs "I think this can be a turning point for you both", meaning it was time for the situation to change.
Your Mom needs the help, the changes/relocations need to be made by her, not you.
She does not own any part of you or your time.
This is not a piece of pie you both need to share, she has her own pie. You have your own life.
Why this is an argument with her escapes me. She can ask anything she wants but this one qualifies as a big, firm "NO".
Your GP's advice is unique and maybe it speaks to you in a way that you can relate.
It sounds like the best advice ever, are you going to follow it?