I suggested to my 93 year old mother that it was selfish to expect me to move over 150 miles from my home of 28 years, leaving everything behind for an unknown length of time, to be her unpaid carer. She snapped back, 'why shouldn't I be selfish! and I remembered my GP's advice. When it comes down to it, do you think my GP is absolutely correct in his assessment that it is either us or them?
I wish mine had given me that advice. My parents lived across the street from us, and while I don't think they did it intentionally, they treated me like their personal 911 service for 4 years...24/7/365. Anytime they had a real emergency--or thought they did--they called me and it didn't matter if it was day or night with the expectation that i would come over and take care of things. On many occasions, that included multiple calls over night before finally deciding it was time to go to the ER at 4am. I spent Christmas Day 2023 with my mom in the ER and missed spending the day with my own family because Mom's pinched nerve in her back was acting up, missed Thanksgiving Day with my family because Dad had chemo on Wednesday and kept falling all day on Thanksgiving and couldnt get up by himself, etc.. Between the two of them, they had 47 ER visits in 4 years and I took them every single time, along with all the routine visits, check ups, procedures, cancer treatment, hospitalization follow ups, etc.
My health finally broke last year when I had RSV, bacterial pneumonia and viral pneumonia simultaneously. I was sick for 6 weeks. My GP said it was the result of the culminating stress and depleting my immune system thanks to the non-stop phone calls all night, every night with supposed emergencies.
It forced me to step back. I wish I had done so years earlier.
Do not move. Do not leave the things you love to become her care slave. Help mom find a place where she will be cared for by professionals. And it should be near you so that you can visit and be her advocate.
It is up to the elderly to make plans for their own care. Your mom thinks you're it. She was wrong! Her aging is her health problem. SHE should make the adjustments in order to get care, NOT you. SHE should be inconvenienced. NOT you.
Just from what you told us, it appears that she's an overentitled, mean, selfish and bossy elder who will make your life miserable over this. Don't give her the pleasure.
You should NOT move and uproot your life. Your mother should not expect this .
Your mother can sell her home , use her money for assisted living either in her town or by you .
Do not let Mom live with you .
My mother’s geriatrician said these 8 words to me ,
“ I’m more worried about you than your mother . “ It was what I needed to hear .
I agree with your GP too.
Being a loving daughter does not mean you have to be a hands on caregiver.
She does not own any part of you or your time.
This is not a piece of pie you both need to share, she has her own pie. You have your own life.
Why this is an argument with her escapes me. She can ask anything she wants but this one qualifies as a big, firm "NO".
Your GP's advice is unique and maybe it speaks to you in a way that you can relate.
It sounds like the best advice ever, are you going to follow it?
If I had tried to manage it at home, I would be dead by now. It still took a toll on my own mental and physical health. Her gp said to me when she fell and broke the ribs "I think this can be a turning point for you both", meaning it was time for the situation to change.
Your Mom needs the help, the changes/relocations need to be made by her, not you.
My mother-in-law and my husband seem to expect that when MIL got too frail she will come live with us. She is 91, and during Covid came to stay at our home for two months. She could not do the stairs, so she sat in the TV room on the second floor and watched TV all day. I had to cook three meals each day because she was there. If she needed to go somewhere, I had to take her. There were no friends, no activities, no one to help with her personal needs, no bus to the doctors and the store. Just me. Anything good or fun that happened only happened if I made it happen. That alone was extremely stressful. And she was mostly still able to take care of her own needs.
I feel so frustrated when people talk about assisted living centers as warehouses for old people, where we just send them to die. I see the assisted living place where my sister is (and where my mom was until she died) as a great blessing. It is a wonderful community where, if your LO will allow it, they can have a life. Care for an old person takes a team.
my MIL will go to assisted living when the time comes, and not to my home.
I remember back when the demands were growing & multiplying.. (I called it the bottomless bog of needs).
I need ABC-XYZ. I want YOU to do ABC-XYZ.
I said "I hear you. You need ABC-XYZ. I will do A. You will need to find OTHER people to do all the rest."
You get the LOOK.. of What!!??
How Dare You. 😂
But in time, my LO saw the truth of it. They did in fact hire & arrange OTHER people.
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