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A little background: My father always had an optimistic personality, and was the type of person who never met a stranger. He is diabetic, has congestive heart failure, and extreme issues with peripheral neuropathy and lack of circulation in his feet. Mentally he seems to be slipping occasionally, and we have noticed some changes to his personality since he has been in the nursing home. Unknown to the family, the doctor took him off his anti-depressants when he first checked in 4 months ago.


He has to take a large dosage of Lasik due to health issues which makes him urinate often. Since he is in a wheelchair it is hard for him to make it to the bathroom in time, so he has a "pee jar" beside his chair to use. When he is wearing diapers, he says he can't move the diapers and his pants out of the way in time and wets himself, so he prefers to sit without pants and underwear with just a towel or blanket over his legs. When he does get dressed to leave his room, he prefers to go "commando" because he says the diaper doesn't hold it all and if he has an accident it won't help. My sister is washing his urine soaked clothes every other day - full loads - of towels, pants, etc. When we take him out on Sunday, we bring a change of clothes and cross our fingers that he won't mess his pants while we are at a restaurant. However it has happened on the way back in the car many times, which entails cleaning up the car and my father, which doesn't seem to bother him. Though we don't make a big deal out of it, since we try not to embarrass him. He has been so depressed and cries every time we leave him, so we have been afraid to nag him too much. We have spoken to the on-call doctor about his depression and he is slowly raising his anti-depression medication back to what it was -- prior to his removing it without consulting with us !!!


But how can I talk this man into wearing diapers???


Normally he can be reasoned with in all things. I am dumbfounded that he won't budge on this one. I'm sure it has to do with his male pride, but I will take any and all ideas. Help, please ?? !!!

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If he's in a NH, why is your sister doing laundry?

Why does he still have regular underwear in his drawers? You replace his regular underwear with incontinence underwear.

You don't take him out if he's not properly dressed in that underwear.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Let him know how you feel when you have to clean your car: for you it's frustrating! Because he can prevent this, let him know that it worries you when he doesn't wear undergarments to prevent an accident. Then suggest the two of you go shopping for some Depends that can hold up to the job.
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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I agree don't call the diapers, start using the term special underwear, incontinence underwear (though that can be tough too) or simply refer to them as his underwear (no other distinction about them being different). Then try some different brands of the disposables, there are real differences and preferences probably vary as much as people do but I know for women some are made to come off easily without having to be pulled off (I think the either tear or tear and re secure on the side easily) maybe something like that would work or maybe just not needing the pee cup anymore because his new underwear work would be a positive for him but there are big differences in look and feel so maybe even if it takes the expensive ones to get him using them and then trying less expensive as time goes on would help.

The other option is actual reusable cotton underwear for incontinence, I haven't had experience with them and don't know but maybe the men's have a flap and either way maybe he would be more accepting of something more like his old underwear. Unless of course he has always been a commando man or a loose boxers guy in which case anything is going to feel constricting but that's my concern with your current situation too, the longer he is able to go out and live "commando" the more used to the freedom he might get and the harder it will become to get anything on him. Obviously he doesn't mind the feeling of exposure so that's out the window...You may need to be a bit more insistent, maybe try asking him to give this or that option "a try" and be a little more frank (still gentle) about the extra work it creates for you and your sister. Maybe tell him you would take him out more often if he could adjust to wearing some sort of underwear but when he doesn't wear it you aren't able to enjoy the time out with him as much and it's getting to the point where the work and uncomfortable place it put's everyone in out weighs the joy so you had to say something because you don't like the feeling this is a chore rather than something to look forward to. Be understanding of course, you know the incontinence isn't his fault but how he contributes (or doesn't) to dealing with it, is his choice. You know him of course and this kind of approach hit's home or is a good approach with some but isn't with others so your discretion but you and your sister really do need to stop enabling rather than helping when it comes to his incontinence, it can be a tough and hard line to figure out, I know. But it isn't fair to you and may even be contributing to his depression. My guess is it's one of those vicious cycles, his depression contributes to his indifference and his incontinence, inability to hide or manage it is contributing to his depression. I would be so pissed at them for taking him off his anti depressants, not only does it take time to find a balance that works, when taking people off of them many should be titrated because it can cause big swings and problems going cold turkey and at a time of transition too boot! Moving to a NH is often a difficult time for LO's and depression is common so combine that with taking him off meds for depression that existed before the move? With all the other medical issues he has (sounds very similar to my mom) the way all the meds are interacting and how removing even one affects that is a consideration too. Maybe getting his meds back in balance and working will help with this incontinent care situation too, I hope so. Good luck
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Reply to Lymie61
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Don’t call them diapers. This man is an adult; not a baby.
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Reply to UsedupDIL
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Me, I would not take him anywhere if he was not wearing proper undergarments. Simple boundary setting, Dad if you want to come out on Sunday, you have to wear briefs. No briefs, no outing.

Why is the nursing home not doing his laundry?
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Reply to Tothill
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My friend (89 male) also do not want to wear diapers, never!!. I bought adult disposable brief, and told him that this is not a diaper, this is a nice clean and soft silk like brief; then he laughs, and let me put it on him.
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Reply to Mel399
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Wait, I missed that he's in a nursing home, why aren't they taking care of this?
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Reply to cwillie
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It sounds as though he isn't the one suffering the consequences of his choice, you and your sister are. You both need to lay down the law - no more going out without some kind of incontinence product, and if in any way possible I'd have him cleaning up his own messes at home as well. I'll never understand the reasoning that it is preferable to p!$$ oneself than to go in your pullup, and frankly a man who has the ability to get to the toilet has no need for a urinal.
Put him on a toilet schedule, send him there every couple of hours whether he thinks he needs to go or not. And tell him that wearing the pull ups is non negotiable.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to cwillie
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What about getting some vinyl underwear? Diapers/pull ups w liners will still need to be used, but it helps when in public. Just have to make sure elastic is tight around each leg to prevent leaks.
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Reply to dads1caregiver
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