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He will say things like I'm going to run for president in 2028. He will talk about and sends pics of a woman who he is going to marry that he doesn't know. I offered to go to a Dr appointment and he got extremely upset and yelled at me that if I care or love him I will move in with him. I expressed I can't as I love my job and my apt. Im 50 and I'm divorced and I love living alone. He said if I don't then any money he would leave me he will loose to him finding care. I don't care about the inheritance. I love him but we don't get along. I feel guilt over that but I'm not the right person that can help. He knows he has memory issues. He can't drive etc.

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Chris, I would tell him how very lucky he is to have the money to hire the help he needs. Then state that every single time he tries to guilt you.

Give him the phone number to his county area on aging, aka county counsel on aging, easy to find by googling either term. Tell him that they can direct him to all the great resources available for him.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Lots of people can not care for their parents. It is a difficult situation because we love them, want them to be okay but can not forsake our own lives to prop them up so they don't have to make changes. It's unfair that you are being pressured.

When either of my parents would start with the guilt trips I would tell them or think to myself, need to go pack a bag, didn't know I was going on a trip, I'll call you or see you later.

Parents forget or ignore that we are adults not under their command any longer. Stay strong, you know the outcome of caving.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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How about a geriatric care manager? If he can afford it, that might be the way to go. The manager will manage everything and you wouldn't be involved with his personal care.

Alert his doctor by letter or patient portal (if you have access) to dad's cognitive issues. If he's not taking Aricept, ask doctor if dad could try it. Also a mood med might be called for. Both drugs might make him easier to deal with.

He also needs a long-term plan. Start checking out memory care facilities. It's time.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Dad is right. His money SHOULD go to his care. Let him know that.
As to guilt, you didn't CAUSE this and you can't FIX this, so guilt is inappropriate.
Stick to your guns. Stay here and read and you will soon know you are making the right decision in being honest with your father that the two of you will never be living together, and that he should be using his money for his care.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Provide caregiving help that’s doable to you. It never works otherwise. If dad cannot accept the help you can provide and only wants what you’re wisely unwilling to do, that’s his problem and nothing for you to feel guilty over. It’s always wise to protect your own well being, no one else will do it for you. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Do not feel guilty! My father does the same thing. Long story short, his health started to decline a few years ago and he spent some time in the swing bed and a care center for therapy. I told the Social Worker during that time that I would not be moving in with him once he went home. Like you, my father and I have a strained relationship. Fast foreword, he did go home after rehab and we hired help but it did not work because he did not like the night person. I did all I could for him, but I did not move in because I knew I could not handle it. He is now in a care facility but keeps saying he wants to come home and says other things to make me feel guilty. Does it bother me? Yes but then I know that I'm not going to quit my job and etc. If your father needs extra help, tell him that you will help him find someone or an agency. If he needs a facility, help him find the best one. I think sometimes society believes that the only way you can care for a parent is by putting your own life on hold or stopping your life completely but helping them find proper care because you are unable to do it, is caring for them.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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Don’t feel guilty. You are clear in your own mind and are being clear with him too. That’s great.

You can help him find the help he needs, whether that’s going to a doctor appointment with him, touring assisted living places, or reviewing his finances and legal paperwork. You can be kind, but clear. “Dad, I have two hours on Saturday, would you like to tour facility X with me then have lunch?”

Or you could try “I’m glad you realize you need more help Dad, I’m not the right person for that but I did find these brochures/ websites/ phone numbers for local facilities, senior center, aging council, home companion agencies etc. so you can figure out resources.”

Ignore the other stuff or just say “that’s not possible” or “that’s not happening but what I can do is….” If he makes it impossible to do anything but argue then tell him you’re leaving/hanging up now and will try visiting or calling him another time.

Good luck!
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Reply to Suzy23
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You need to separate the emotional blackmail from his actual conditions. Does he need an assessment ? What help does he admit he needs ? If he won't co-operate then you need to refer him to whatever services are provided by the state. It sounds as if he knows he is failing physically and mentally and is in a panic so the first solution in his mind is to have you there to be his carer and companion, purely to save money. Think about that, money is his first priority.

You are not obliged to care for him, you have made your own life.

Be careful if you are considering living with him, I am aware of two cases near me where promises were made so relatives moved in to find later the house was left to someone else. And that was just the issue of property before we get to the emotional and other financial abuse.
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Reply to JudyTeen30
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