Helping my dad. Am I doing the right thing?

You both need to know that this can't go on forever. That there will come a time Dad will need to learn to be alone. I would not move him in with you. He needs to do for himself. "and look after Dad" look after not become his crutch. While you are helping him now, are you showing him how to wash clothes, do dishes, pay bills? He should be dressing and bathing himself. If he needs help getting out of bed, there are bars that are only 18in across to help him pull himself up and out of bed. Shower chairs for the shower. Bars that go on the side of the tub to help get in and out. Don't disable him. My DH is 77 and is now running the vacuum. He can wash his own clothes, do dishes and get himself something to eat. Maybe ask his PCP for an order for "in home". The PT can evaluate him and tell him where he should be by now in his recovery. Also, tell you how to make his house better for him to get around. An OT will help him with his ADLs. He needs to be as independent as possible.

You, good ur seeing someone. But who does the things that your doing for Dad for you at your house? They should not be doing them. They are disabling you. If u can do them for Dad then u can do them for ur Dad.

Yes, this time is good for you and Dad but it should just be a teaching thing for him and when you get home, u continue to do for u and ur family. Push yourself like ur doing for Dad. When you feel like Dad can do for himself, start to break away by going home during the day allowing Dad to do it on his own. Its all up to him. Hip replacements do not hinder. He should have no problems walking. Then make it an overnight stay. Then maybe just coming over to check on him. Never forget you haveca husband and family.

So sorry for your loss. I think you are being kind to your dad who really needs help.

It’s good your husband has been supportive. Stay for awhile but make it clear that this is only temporary.

He will have to work through his grief for himself, no one can do that for him. Maybe a grief support group would be helpful for him.

And at some point you and he need to talk about his plans for the future. It’s probably not the time right now.

My condolences on the loss of your mother and on Christmas, that makes it harder.

You're doing the right thing helping your father like you are now, but your siblings are right too. If your father gets too used to you living there like you do now, the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

There are options though. Would it be possible for your father to move in with you and your husband? Or if he wanted to remain in his home getting a roommate (not a caregiver if he doesn't need one) so he won't be living alone?
Maybe he would consider downsizing and moving to an independent senior living community? Sometimes a new place with new things and new people is the best thing for a person.

Start talking about some living options with your father. You can't continue living in his home as you are now. You have your own home and family. Sit down with him and your husband and talk about these things now.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, as I also know the pain of losing a beloved mom. I definitely spent more time with my dad after losing my mother and grew even closer to him. No denying his huge life adjustment and loneliness. From my experience, you and your father would both be helped immensely by changing the dynamic you’ve begun and not using the “give it more time” as reasoning not to begin now. Start a bit at a time getting you both out more, even if it’s a walk around the block, or getting a quick bite to eat out somewhere. Encourage dad to contact old friends or work colleagues and just have conversation. You do the same. Realize that worry changes absolutely nothing, work on what can be changed. Don’t inadvertently let dad feed on your anxiety, it’s easy to have that sneak in. Get dad involved, if he’s willing with grandchildren, they can be good for the soul. Just some ideas to start moving forward, remember to care for your own family and yourself, this matters too. I wish you well

You tell us:

"I have severe anxiety (more so about losing my parents) and haven’t left my own home in 4 years. I feel staying with dad is helping me be more mobile and making sure he’s ok. He’s lost and so sad and I’m also helping him."

I believe you are confusing, melding, intermingling your own emotional needs with your Dad's.
And I do not believe you are doing him any favor in not allowing him to adjust to his loss.

Discuss with him honestly what his FEELINGS are.
As in TALK TO HIM.
I fail, sometimes on this forum, to fathom how no one seems to be able to just honestly talk about things with family.

Sorry for the loss of your Mom. Take your decision to stay day by day. You will know when it is time to leave.

My sincere condolences on the loss of your dear mom.

I don't know if you're doing the right thing by staying with dad, but I think you're kindly helping him get through a dreadfully difficult time right now. You maybe ought to put a time limit on your stay, however, and look into a grief counselor to help both of you process this huge loss together.

I don't feel like your family members are trying to be rude by saying you look so tired and awful......just stating their concern for your welfare. Nobody likely wants to see you have a breakdown yourself caring for dad in his state.

I also feel like it's most important for you to seek help for yourself once your stay with dad is over. Having such anxiety that you haven't left the house in 4 years is limiting yourself to life in a bubble of being unwell. Anxiety is a terrible affliction to suffer from, I know. I also know there are medications available to help ENORMOUSLY with it. Allow yourself to address this matter and to live a full life. To speak to a therapist also about your fears of losing your dad. You shouldn't agree to live this way anymore, not these days when help IS readily available.

Finally, I don't feel like you're making the situation worse for your father by staying with him for a period of time. We all need help sometimes. Whether it's staying with a loved one who's suffered a big loss or it's a woman who's lived an anxiety-ridden life for too long. To be human is to admit we need help and to ask for it. I hope you do.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.