My elderly mom moved in with me 6 months ago. She had no where else to go. Now how do I keep from going crazy? She is borderline/ NPD.

I have no advice, as my 91-year-old mom is also raging with NPD and I am exhausted from constantly defending my boundaries. Just know that you are not alone and that your generous spirit is bigger than anything your mother throws at it. Hugs and strength to you!

I feel compelled to quote a former colleague who supervised Mental Health Technology students in their practicums. She told me she always knew when one of her students was dealing with a client with Borderline Personality, because of how frustrated the students were. Dementia is difficult enough, add in Borderline Personality, and all I can say is YIKES! I heartily agree with everyone who has advised you to find alternate care for mom, and save your sanity!

Do whatever you need to do to get her out of your house. She will destroy you as mine destroyed me. I am still shocked I didn't die before she did, because God knows she tried. I am sorry to be so cruel but you have GOT to take care of yourself. She will taje everything from you and throw you under the bus.

RBuser: One thing is a given and that is that you cannot go on like this. You need respite. She needs a new place to live. Has she considered filing for Medicaid so that she can go to a Nursing Home? Would she be Medicaid eligible? In any event, mom must leave your house.

Hi there! My story is so similar. My 81 year old Mom just moved in with us 5 months ago. So many challenges I never saw coming. It has been so consuming. The key is to take care of yourself. Private time, rest and sleep!!!!

Why WOULD she need to have somewhere else to go? You had no where to go outside the womb of birth but into a pair of loving, waiting arms. I have no wastebasket to puke in even though I should at reading this.
Take a chill pill and realize that Ms Universe is a fallacy at best, and that internally there is a realization that it is YOUR turn now to act with decency and accept responsibility to be nice, get nice and stay nice to Mother. Request, solicit and ask for help but again, SHE IS YOUR MOTHER

Dr Coppertino

Here is a general answer to all of the posts.  My heart is breaking for the sorrow these adult children are having to go through. As someone who has taken care of a maternal grandmother, mother and father until their deaths, believe this: No matter what you do, the parents whom you describe will never think that what you have done and are doing is enough. Many parent think that their children are their "property" and think that the children owe the parents for giving them "life".  I think differently. I know that those of us who are in our '60's and 70's were not the result of our parents wanting to give us life. We are the result of what is medically referred to now as "unprotected sex". If our parents had tried to abort us, they would have faced criminal charges. Just giving birth to a child does not make a woman a mother or a man a father.  It is how they nurture the innocent child who didn't ask to be born.  It does not give the woman or the man the right to bully, threaten, physically or emotionally scar their children. 

I know of young women whose fathers had abandoned  them and their mothers.  But when these young women are ready to marry, they say "I want my Daddy to walk me down the aisle"!  They want to "dream" that their fathers who never even sent child support ,really loved them.
Al of us have been brainwashed to think that we are responsible for our parents even though I understand that the law says no adult is responsible for another adult.
A stepmother who beats her adopted children is not a mother and I don't think needs to be treated as a loving mother. I believe that the Bible says to "honor thy father and thy mother", not to obey them  and in biblical times, I doubt if most parents even made it to age 50 or 60 so there was no dementia issues to even consider. 

For the record, I took care of my maternal grandmother, and both of my parents until they died and it was an honor. But they never raised their voices to me.  My mother who was an only child, wasn't emotionally able to care for her own mother (my grandmother). I was the only daughter in an Italian family so I stepped up.  It cost me dearly in emotional health because I was doing it while coping with OCD, Clinical Depression and Adult ADD. but my mother did tell me about 5 years before she died at age 93 that she didn't want me to give up my life for her. It was a little late since I was already in my '60's but I'm glad that she said it.

You say that you took her in because "she has nowhere else to go". Yes, she and you have options, she has never been without options for a place to live. Sometimes what a person needs is not going to be what they want. She needs a place she can be supervised. She will never love you nor have any regard for you. Call APS and say that you are in the process of evicting your mother from your house and soon there will be a vulnerable adult on the streets. Let them find her a place to live and if that means a group home, it means a group home. She won't be happy but that's not your problem. Happiness is a choice.

I know I sound like a b***h but sometimes you need to be a little cold hearted when stuff like this happens.

Oh! I feel your pain!! I have been caring for my NPD mother for over 7 yrs now and she doesn’t live with me, but lives a few doors down. She is 93 yrs old and still able to be nasty. And she doesn’t have dementia. My health went downhill fast and I was diagnosed with NHL - Or Non Hodgkin Lymphoma! Stage 2B! Can I say WAKE UP CALL!? So I set out to set up boundaries and tried to get volunteers to come to her house a few times a month so it wasn’t all about me. But no - I could never have her live with us. I would move out. You two are too close for comfort and this will never work. You are not her indentured servant and I am pushing you to change this living situation or you will die. Not sure what to suggest, but you know best. Senior housing? She would have more people her age. How old is she? Any illness? Oh my dear - Please get out of this situation and take back your life! She will be fine and you can continue to check on her - but from a different perspective.

I, too, took in my elderly mother because she had no where else to go. I became her sole caregiver for three years in my condominium. My mother passed away at the age of 87 in August, 2018. While taking care of her, I was single. Also, I didn't have children.

Those three years were difficult and mom definitely had a narcistic personality disorder. As time elapsed her mobility issues became worse and all the responsibilities became too much for me. I had no help!

After three years of being her caregiver, mom developed a UTI and had to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. During her stay there, I talked to a hospital social worker and told her that I was finding it all too much looking after mother with no help. I also needed a knee replacement and was suffering myself.

The hospital social worker helped me find a nursing home for mom and she was admitted as a patient. This was wasn't easy because she became very angry that I was not taking her home.

A few months after her admittance to the home, I had my first knee replacement at the age of 60. Second knee replacement was at age 63.

Like you, I felt used up and burned out. She was never nice to me and didn't appreciate my self-sacrifice to see that all her needs were met. She went on to live another three years at the nursing home and demanded that I bring her home-made meals because she disliked the facility food.

Before mom passed away on my birthday, she did say she loved me. I had never heard her say that to me before. A week before her death she said "I don't want to go through this!".

There will come a time when you will need to ask for help. Your sanity and health is at stake!

try love and understanding.did she show love and understanding to you when you were a child? if she did love you then it's only fair that you try to understand that she needs some one to love her and to be concerned about her problems.tell her that you love her, but you have boundries and you also have feeling.GOD bless.

Here's a hug and prayers for you everyday.🙏🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗🤗
I experience much of the same from my mother. Unlike you, I get relief since she is no longer in my home. My siblings participate and we moved mom back to her house. We go there to take care of her. But now she needs 24/7 care. I am single and live alone too and my siblings have their own families. To some this sounds horrible but I can't have my mother back in my home. I won't get any rest or break. Sounds selfish and I understand how you feel. We really want to help and not see our parents homeless. I feel guilty lots of times because I hate and resent doing this job. It's seems weird to feel this way about "mom". But good that you recognize your feelings. I hope for you to find some place in your home, with a friend, or some place for you to run. Some way for you to regroup from insanity. Even if it's only to go to your room, shut the door, close your eyes and escape.............😁✈️🤗🙏

Has your mom been officially diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, call your local community mental health and get her set up with case management etc. They will work with her and possibly get her into a foster care home that meets her needs. Having a parent with chronic mental illness that sounds like it's not being treated, can and is bad for your health, more so then just caring for an elderly parent. Please seek mental health services now. I worked geriactrics, chronic mentally ill, case management for 25 yrs. You need help now. Don't wait. It's not only bad for your health, but could be dangerous. Borderline personality, is one of the hardest diagnosis to work with, let alone live with. They will push you and, possibly too far. Again, please seek help now.

My reply: YES TO ALL that you just stated. By the way, surveys indicate 75% of caregivers can pass away on this type of caregiving, probably all 24/7 caregiving!!
I am continuing with my 93 y.o. Mom who has advanced Dem/Alzh. She also has 3rd stage kidney disease. If she were to have to start dialysis, chances are she would be too weak to do dialysis at a lengthy time. She is still physically good though if it were not for Dem.

Get some help so you have a break. It will be good for both of you.

If neither you nor Mom has money to hire help, jobshare with a friend so you can both take time off occasionally.

I totally agree with other posters who have asked you, what would happen if you didn't exist or because you are so tired, nervous, or whatever that you have a car accident and are killed. There are other options. I recommend you follow all the other great suggestions to get your mother out of your house.

I firmly believe that the stress I was living under when my mother moved in with me and my husband led to me having cancer. I eventually left both of them. As I put it, I ran away from home.

I needed and got therapy for myself. I recommend that you get into some therapy. You might need to try out a few therapists before you find one that clicks with you. Don't give up if the first one or two don't fit. In my journey I had 3 different ones. Each one could help me with a particular part of my life.

((HUGS))

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. We are a wonderful resource.

I forgot to say one thing in my post below. Once people get dementia or other physical problems and start behaving in nasty, mean, unacceptable and extremely demanding manners, then YOU MUST ACCEPT THEY HAVE TO BE REMOVED. I firmly believe, and say this from life's tough, hard experiences, there is no alternative - they will get worse with time, not better - and they won't stop their horrible behavior. As soon as someone's behavior gets abusive and ugly, it is time to cut the strings - no matter who they are or why. What gives them the right to treat people so badly? Nothing. So get them away from you before it is too late for you. Take care of yourself, be at peace, treat everyone kindly but when they abuse you - that is the end. Please, please listen - I wish I had learned this so much earlier. My life would not have been so difficult.

I hear stories like this all the time. It is sad but a true fact that sometimes our "elders" simply cannot live with other family members due to their personalities and behaviors and the way their presence impacts others. Sounds like this is one of the stories. She is NOT going to change - it will get worse - and YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS AND ENDANGER YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. Since she cannot be stopped to live "peaceably" with you, you haave to find a place to put her for her welfare and safety - and your peace. I have no idea of her finances but you must contact your local Office on Aging and other professionals for information. It simply cannot continue. Unless, and I doubt this would work, you can become so strong and so tough that the minute she misbehaves, you can instantly and firmly without any holding back, let her have it and force her to stop, she will continue - and then the guilt trips will start. She can obviously NOT be in your home. You need peace and a life - there has to be a separation.

Sounds like my mom but my mom doesn’t have dementia.. my mom moved in with me but it only lasted 3 days. We didn’t get along very good all my life and mom would throw childhood tragedies in my face so we eventually had a yelling match and she wanted to leave so she did. I found her an adult family home and don’t know if I can mend the relationship with her as of now. I don’t care if I end up with inheritance in the end for the sake of my happiness it’s well worth not having her push me around. It expensive in my area, so I had to place her out of town but that’s also fine. I don’t answer her calls much especially on Friday and the weekends because she try’s to ruin my weekends with my husband. I got rid of mom. If you don’t want to get rid of mom then I suggest getting some kind of help in there so you can either go to counseling for yourself or just get some quality time. Your human and you need to focus on you. You made it before you had mom you can do it now. I don’t understand people taking in their parents. Maybe it’s fine if you got along in the past but these families that had disfunction in there families. It didn’t work back then why would it work now. There are many services out there that can lend a hand . People need to quit looking at how much they will end up with after there parents pass and get the help. It’s not good for either of you and if parents have dementia, Your the only one that’s not going to be healthy or happy in the end. Don’t try and take it on yourself pay a little for getting away and focusing on yourselves. And last but least counseling helps. You are all in my prayers for trying to live with your parents. I couldn’t do it and had no one in my family that would have taken care of her because they left her years ago because of the way my mom was. I’ll be broke but happy

There’s no doubt about it. This is very difficult. I would suggest that you reach out to your mom’s primary care physician for advice on resources that may be available to you. Adult day care may be an option. She may be eligible for benefits that you are not aware of. Your local area on aging may have some advice/resources to suggest as well. I know that this requires more work for you to do but it is worth investigating. No one really knows or understands the situation except for those who have been there. Please do what is necessary to get more help so that you save some time for yourself.

I for one decided I will burden my children. This is the reason why.
My father in law has lived with us for over 40 years. He was ok the
first 20 years, but these last 10 years have been hell. He is 89 years
old. The total interruptions he has put us through. So we have a nurse
come in the house 3 times a week to help not only him but us also. He
will not let us in his room to clean, dust, check up, and etc. He annoys
my husband with stupid questions, and will not stay in his area. We gave
him two bedrooms and he is slowly taking over the third. He thinks I have
not notice, but I have. He has his own bathroom, but must take his showers
in our bathroom because he doesn't have a walk in shower. He does not
believe any doctors and what they say. Like he has 2 hematomas on the brain.
Does not believe he has the early stage of dementia. Does not believe he
has glaucoma because he kept saiding the doctor was a tech not a doctor.
He has gone through cancer treatments and in remission for over 2 years.
The cancer treatments put his body through heck.
Now if you decide to take in a parent you put the burden on yourself.
My suggestion is to put them in a nursing home, I know that sounds mean,
but for someone who has worked in a nursing home. I know that great care
is taken, activies, food, and etc. is provided. My suggestion is do not
forget to visit them 2 times a month. Yes, they will throw guilt on you, but
you will have time for your family and spouse. I call it freedom, I
been waiting for time with my husband for years.
Bounties is not in my father in law book.

You are not alone because many of us are in the same boat. Is your mother alone at home during the day while you work? If she is mobile, enroll her in an adult daycare program for activities. Just like choosing a nursing home, visit the site and ask lots of questions. Also, ask her doctor for a mood stabilizer. My husband has psychosis without Seroquel (quetiapine is the generic name). There are many others. They are wonderful.

Appreciate the time you have with your mother. Mine ended too soon.

I think you already know the answer to your question. Find another living situation for her. It’s not worth your sanity and you’ve self-identified as not being able to provide this type of care. You ARE NOT ALONE. I think some of us feel guilt because we played into the “Don’t EVER put me in one of ‘those’ places” promises with a parent. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Caring for someone with dementia isn’t a cakewalk. In the meantime, please try not to lose patience with her. Remember, it’s not your mom acting out, it’s the dementia. You are only getting mad at YOURSELF when you get angry. Good luck to you.

I have been caring for my mom who has Alzheimer’s for 2 years and it has been a roller coaster. Last year she started declining and the doctors tried medication used to slow down the process and calm her brain. She had awful side effects and I was at the end of my rope. I know what you are going through and would love to share what is really working for me. If you would like to chat let me know. Dawn

I feel for you. I was in the same situation a few years ago and my mother lived with me for almost two years before I placed her in a nursing home. Best decision I ever made. When she lived with me she became increasing too much for me in every way. I aged ten years, not kidding. To make matters worse she "liked" my husband and he was always avoiding her. Too many stories none of them good. See if you can place her even in an assisted living situation, they are not as expensive as nursing homes and will take her if she is mobile. Good luck

I think you should move your mother out of your home asap. She hasn't loved you, treated you well or appreciated you. Don't abandon yourself by letting her suck the life out of you. She's damaged you enough. You owe her nothing. It's time to protect yourself. If she's so great she should have people standing in line to take care of her.

I do not know how old your mom is, but it sounds like she can still feed herself and use the toilet. I would consider assisted living facility...the older she gets the worse her care will become. I been caring for my mom over 20 years. Now I love my mom dearly but I also sacrificed my life for her. now she has end-stage Alzheimer's and dying and I doubt I will be able to cope since my life was so much a part of hers over the decades. Since you live alone and work..you do no want to call off sick due to family crisis or illness which will become more frequent as they get older and deteriorate -- you may find yourself without a job and those are not easy to come by these days.

Do you have siblings is there any other family of yours and hers around or at least in touch, anyone you can at least share some of the planning and reality burden with even if they can't or wont help physically? How is it that she came to live with you, was she deemed unable to live alone by a doctor or medical situation? In no way is this a negative directed at you, in fact just the opposite so please hear it that way when I say I was particularly struck by your statement's "I loose my cool with her" and "I fear for my health". They are both very self aware and honest statements you are sharing and I don't think they should be ignored. The simple fact is the reason (we know it's her) doesn't really matter, this living situation doesn't work and isn't healthy or safe for either of you, no one should feel driven from their home or dread going home every day and just because you love and care about someone doesn't mean you can live together. How many people would say "she is my best friend but I couldn't live with her" or "I could never live with my brother now" well the same can go for parents and children even without one already having personality disorders. Maybe we should feel guilt about forcing ourselves to live with a parent we know we shouldn't rather guilt about knowing we can't or forcing ourselves to do something we shouldn't. Now, that said I don't have enough info to come up with ideas about where to go from here for you. But my thoughts sure are with you!

Consider the next time she is hospitalized, talk with the SW/CM there and FIRMLY tell them she has to be placed, that she cannot come back to live with you. And stick to that.

If a hospitalization looks to be too long down the road, does she have a declaration of incapacity, in which she is unable to make her decisions? Do you have POA? Visit some memory care assisted living facilities, and have her go there.

Remember, YOU have the control. If you LET her come back to your home, you are giving the control back to her; and you will continually be miserable. YOU can stop this cycle of abuse, and not allow her to live with you any longer. No amount of venting will give you the peace you deserve and need as much as living by yourself and no longer be on the receiving end of the abuse.