Mom and Dad live together in an independent facility near me, but since her dementia diagnosis in Feb, she is rarely getting dressed, not leaving apartment for meals, and falling often. She cannot get up when she falls, having to bring in paramedics for lift assist. (They now know her)

My Dad will be 90 in August, and waits on her hand and foot. He had a heart attack last June and has CHF. His health is failing due to the constant caregiving, but rarely complains. When I try to set up a workable schedule to help him help Mom, he refuses.

I brought in PT this week, to help her, (for one month timeframe) but I see it may be time for AL. PT said she will give me assessment at the 3 week mark. The biggest issue with moving her to the AL wing (within the same facility) is that Dad flat out refuses to go. And she refuses to go without him. He says he can manage, but he’s not, and has become prisoner in his own home.

She won’t let him leave her side, and asks him to bring her things, and meals, all day.

It’s just a very tough situation, and I’m kind of a lot a loss on what to do to help them both.

I currently go over every day to socialize and help while I’m there. I tried going every other day, but on the days I don’t go they call and need something. I have POA, do all meds, bills, shopping for them. It’s A LOT. My only sibling refuses to help or even give emotional support to any of us, but that’s a whole other entry I’ll save for another day!

Today, and every day, it’s about what’s best for Mom and Dad as they age, and it’s becoming more challenging, for all of us, by the day.

Thanks for any advice 💕

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Do YOU realize that BOTH of them need a higher level of care than IL?

If so, would the management permit you to use THEM as the Bad Guy(s) and take the stance that they can offer AL level care and that BOTH Mom and Dad now need AL ?

Or as an alternative, might their medical doctor(s) be willing to assume the Bad Guy role?

Sometimes a PROFESSIONAL can do more in this situation than they will allow “their little girl” to do.

OT- aren’t grandchildren the absolute BEST
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to AnnReid
Karsten May 18, 2023
I agree. The dad DOES need AL and in fact has it now. The writer is the one providing the AL If not for he/her (OK, they/them in this PC world) the mom AND dad would be in AL>
thanks so much! Yes, the PT and their nurse practitioner have told me they can help in delivering an AL plan. I will revisit the IL contract. The director has told me she would be happy to schedule an assessment.
I guess it’s time.
I appreciate your feedback!
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to blisss2022
irwind45150 May 18, 2023
Blisss2022, I hear and feel your pain and frustration. I lived your scenario only in reverse (my dad needed the help and kept falling; Mom was trying to be the caregiver.). As POA, it's not easy to make decisions for them, especially when they push back.

You want to keep them safe, but they continually throw up stumbling blocks. If they have a PCP that they know and respect, have him/her help ease the question of transition. My parents' doctor was able to "posit" worst case scenarios that would permanently separate them. It opened a dialog to ease the transition.

Several people have mentioned therapy, assessments, etc. These are superb suggestions. Remember through all of this (which was hard for me to do), your health and well-being come first, because if you are unwell or burnt out, you won't be able to give them the help and support they need.
I would say to have the facility do an evaluation of your parents. They will be the ones who determine if they stay in IL or AL. Then you are not the bad guy. You can voice ur concerns but the facility will make the decision for you. Its probably in the contract ur parents signed that the facility can move them to AL if they see fit.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29
blisss2022 May 11, 2023
Thank you so much. You are right on.
When I started out I was a housekeeper for the couple I wound up being a CG house manager for.

I was told the kitchen counters were their territory and they would handle it. So I respected their wishes. And their choice was to live in a dirty kitchen. Washing dishes meant rinse the food off in cold water and put it in the dish drainer. Not my way, but I respected theirs.

After the Mrs. had a UTI and the oldest sibling came down with his wife from Idaho, they attacked the kitchen and made it gorgeous.

I was ashamed of myself. it taught me an important lesson: do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.

I learned to ease myself into areas of their life to help manage things better because it was the right thing to do.

Have the courage my friend to do this as well.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Lizhappens
blisss2022 May 18, 2023
Thank you Liz 💕
It sounds as though they should both be moved to Assisted Living, which will free you up to live your life. Instead of trying to be their caregiver, you could just be the best visitor you can be and spread sunshine and love on them. Perhaps take them to the senior centers for entertainment and friendship so that they don't just focus on you.

You sound like a wonderful and caring daughter who needs a health resort well.
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Reply to ConnieCaretaker

It sounds like the facility is willing to help you by being the bad guy with dad, I hope that works for you.
Dad doesn’t want AL, but really you are AL for them. You have the right to set limits on your time, though, if you prefer every other day that’s the way it should be and is more than generous.

Even if dad refuses AL again, you should have a conversation with him and set this limit. He can leave a message on your “days off” and you take care of it the next day. If they truly need every day support it will become obvious that AL is needed.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to iameli

Falling is very serious and your dad should not be the determiner of her going to Assisted Living or not. Her doctor can, I think, make it your decision with a letter stating your mom's condition. Even with a walker she can still fall. It's good she has PT and hopefully will get some strength back. With dementia it's hard for her to practice on her own and PT just isn't enough sometimes, so this may be ongoing. Dad must get real for both their futures. Do have a doctor talk to him, as he isn't listening to you. Also, they are wearing you out. Let them know you will still be there for them, but it's time for more help in a different living situation.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ArtistDaughter

My parents were in this situation at one time and refused any help. Sister and I started home caregivers a little at a time. We told mom & dad they were just housekeepers. They started liking the help and became very attached to the caregiver. Start a little at a time.

If meds are sorted in a weekly pill organizer the caregiver can remind & supervise the taking.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to InFamilyService

We found our mom on the floor a few times — that was when we moved her ftom her apartment to an assisted living — I couldn’t get her off the floor or out of the tub! It was unsafe for her living with me — and very stressful for me! Assisted living check on them constantly— and have ways to help that I never knew about
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AnnieFanny

Check to see what medications she is on! Things like antidepressants and sleeping pills can be very dangerous, especially for people with dementia. When they put my sister on them she was falling constantly and it was making her dementia worse. There are natural methods you can instead of these drugs that are far safer.

A lot of these nursing homes, love to push these drugs because they are lazy. By keeping everyone sedated, they don't have to do much and they don't care if it makes them worse physically and mentally.

Home care is the best. God Bless your father! He has a heart of gold! If other family can help him out from time to time with her care, that would be awesome too.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to FamilyNeeded
LoopyLoo May 18, 2023
Just because a so-called med is ‘natural’, by no means is it safer. They’re more risky, because an herb or whatever you buy at the health food store has not undergone years of testing like a pharmaceutical med does.

I agree it’s bad to sedate the elderly. But it’s also bad to assume any med that will bring them some mental relief is the same as drugging them into oblivion. Drugs aren’t the enemy.
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