Mom and Dad live together in an independent facility near me, but since her dementia diagnosis in Feb, she is rarely getting dressed, not leaving apartment for meals, and falling often. She cannot get up when she falls, having to bring in paramedics for lift assist. (They now know her)
My Dad will be 90 in August, and waits on her hand and foot. He had a heart attack last June and has CHF. His health is failing due to the constant caregiving, but rarely complains. When I try to set up a workable schedule to help him help Mom, he refuses.
I brought in PT this week, to help her, (for one month timeframe) but I see it may be time for AL. PT said she will give me assessment at the 3 week mark. The biggest issue with moving her to the AL wing (within the same facility) is that Dad flat out refuses to go. And she refuses to go without him. He says he can manage, but he’s not, and has become prisoner in his own home.
She won’t let him leave her side, and asks him to bring her things, and meals, all day.
It’s just a very tough situation, and I’m kind of a lot a loss on what to do to help them both.
I currently go over every day to socialize and help while I’m there. I tried going every other day, but on the days I don’t go they call and need something. I have POA, do all meds, bills, shopping for them. It’s A LOT. My only sibling refuses to help or even give emotional support to any of us, but that’s a whole other entry I’ll save for another day!
Today, and every day, it’s about what’s best for Mom and Dad as they age, and it’s becoming more challenging, for all of us, by the day.
Thanks for any advice 💕
If so, would the management permit you to use THEM as the Bad Guy(s) and take the stance that they can offer AL level care and that BOTH Mom and Dad now need AL ?
Or as an alternative, might their medical doctor(s) be willing to assume the Bad Guy role?
Sometimes a PROFESSIONAL can do more in this situation than they will allow “their little girl” to do.
OT- aren’t grandchildren the absolute BEST
I guess it’s time.
I appreciate your feedback!
You want to keep them safe, but they continually throw up stumbling blocks. If they have a PCP that they know and respect, have him/her help ease the question of transition. My parents' doctor was able to "posit" worst case scenarios that would permanently separate them. It opened a dialog to ease the transition.
Several people have mentioned therapy, assessments, etc. These are superb suggestions. Remember through all of this (which was hard for me to do), your health and well-being come first, because if you are unwell or burnt out, you won't be able to give them the help and support they need.
I was told the kitchen counters were their territory and they would handle it. So I respected their wishes. And their choice was to live in a dirty kitchen. Washing dishes meant rinse the food off in cold water and put it in the dish drainer. Not my way, but I respected theirs.
After the Mrs. had a UTI and the oldest sibling came down with his wife from Idaho, they attacked the kitchen and made it gorgeous.
I was ashamed of myself. it taught me an important lesson: do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do.
I learned to ease myself into areas of their life to help manage things better because it was the right thing to do.
Have the courage my friend to do this as well.
You sound like a wonderful and caring daughter who needs a health resort vacation.............................be well.
Dad doesn’t want AL, but really you are AL for them. You have the right to set limits on your time, though, if you prefer every other day that’s the way it should be and is more than generous.
Even if dad refuses AL again, you should have a conversation with him and set this limit. He can leave a message on your “days off” and you take care of it the next day. If they truly need every day support it will become obvious that AL is needed.
If meds are sorted in a weekly pill organizer the caregiver can remind & supervise the taking.
A lot of these nursing homes, love to push these drugs because they are lazy. By keeping everyone sedated, they don't have to do much and they don't care if it makes them worse physically and mentally.
Home care is the best. God Bless your father! He has a heart of gold! If other family can help him out from time to time with her care, that would be awesome too.
I agree it’s bad to sedate the elderly. But it’s also bad to assume any med that will bring them some mental relief is the same as drugging them into oblivion. Drugs aren’t the enemy.