Mother does not realize she needs help in the home and refuses to have aid. She is not really safe without supervision, what do we do? -

Mother does not realize she needs help in the home and refuses to have aid. She is not really safe without supervision, what do we do?



If mom is of sound mind, sometimes, even though it's very difficult, we have to wait for an emergency before our parents will accept that they need help. My mom needed help remembering to take her medicines. She refused to accept help until she wound up in the Emergency Room with a clot in her foot because she forgot to take her Coumadin for three days. I called her every night to remind her to take it and she'd assure me she did, but she didn't. At that point, I put my foot down and got her help. Once they started, she was fine. But until that emergency trip to the ER, she wouldn't hear of it. You just have to hope that they can recover from whatever happens. If you provide more details, you may get more suggestions about how to help your mom.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to blannie

I am facing this as well... I "think"I am helping by getting her meds out and taking them to her... Last night she failed to take her insulin and I tried to talk to her about it...but she became very defensive and said "so what " if she didn't take it...just "leave her alone"... In her eyes I am controlling and judging. She said she just wants to die.. It's very discouraging. So you are not alone.. I will back off and give her some space..
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Ann2710

TG we never had to care for MIL but we did discuss her future with her. She had moved to FLA in 1989. Became a widow and lived by herself up until her death at 92. She was a stubborn woman. Wanted things her way and there were no alternatives. My husband would say that was her decision and if she died because of her decisions it was how she wanted it. So what I am trying to say, it may take a hospital visit before she realizes she can't be alone or someone will be deciding for her.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to JoAnn29

Sadly, I think denial is a big factor. It's hard to admit that we or family members are growing old. I battled this myself but finally admitted it was much easier to have a very kind neighbor helping with snow removal than it was for me to do it manually myself.

I really think this aspect of seguing into older age is one which deserves more attention, on recognizing and managing it.

BGBN, the only suggestion I can think of now is perhaps to do a few small things for your mother, while she's resting, napping, or just relaxing. If she sees how much easier it is for her with help, she may begin to rethink her resistance.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to GardenArtist

My mother needs the help I can't give her with my ms. But her issue is a little different. She does not believe in paying anyone. For her numerous rides to doctors,she will try to manipulate any she can find for a free ride. Same with laundry. Same with cleaning. On and on. She is not lacking in funds,she's been this way forever, only at 83 with copd and heart disease - it is dangerous. I try to pay for some, but have my own medical expenses. Then of course daily there is loud yelling that no one will help her. How do you teach an 83 yr old that no good assistance comes for free???
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to keepingup

A few more details please.

How does she need help?
How is she not safe?
How do you know?

May be you can 'give' her a few aids? Like I have some.
Things to help me open drawers, close the curtains, open the microwave, open tins etc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BuzzyBee

With the way many people are, your mom probably does not trust strangers.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to shad250

I could be writing this question myself! I was *finally* able to get someone to come in twice a week when I deliberately planned to be away for two weeks. Since Mom doesn't drive and lives in the country, I set up some appointments during this time where she would need someone to take her. It was a struggle even while I was gone (one day she wasn't feeling that well and sent the woman home - defeating the purpose of having someone there in the first place!). But now, after six months, they have become friends and only very occasionally will she say she doesn't want Mary to come. That being said, I know she should have someone there even more often and am hoping that I can convince her of that without having an emergency do it for us. For now, though, I'm just happy to have that time twice a week where I know she will be OK. Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AvaC42

Your not alone in this, my mom fights me on help quite often. So I have learned to chose my battles the one that I 1st started with was the meds tried giving them to her myself but that became a battle every time so we found a pillbox that that is locked until it’s time and then it tells her verbally that it’s time to take her pills, (Medminder) she didn’t like it at 1st but now it as if she’s had it for ever. I also found that just agreeing with her in the moment and then doing what you know needs to be done without discussing it has worked for me, but that being said it can change from hour to hour (LOL) actually minute to minute🤪 hang in there!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Dedums

Quite frankly you mainly have to wait for the sh#* to hit the fan - if you are offended by this then you must need to know that 'S H I T' means 'Ship High In Transit' because when they tried to transport guano from south sea islands & it got wet it tended to explode! - we have taken this to mean something else but the original meaning was quite simple however many tend to get up-tight about saying it - those who are up-tight aren't caregivers who are/need to be more basic than most people

That's what I call it when our parents had their crisis - dad was taken off to hospital by ambulance having been worn out as caretaker at nearly 90 - mom even with her dementia knew that things weren't right & knew that getting away was best thing for both of them - so I took mom into my care [she had me as POA so that was easy] & removed her to my home 3 hours away - meanwhile my sister dealt with dad & his health issues

We all saw it coming & repeatedly offered help but they were in denial & they refused - YOU CANNOT FORCE HELP ON SOMEONE UNTIL THEY WILL ACCEPT IT - this isn't written in stone but may as well be - this isn't just for our elderly loved ones but also for alcoholics, drug users, people with mental health issues or anyone who chooses not to see the realities of their situation & they won't see it if you push because they must do so on their own -

I used to quietly clean the kitchen/bathroom/etc so mom & dad wouldn't see until I realized that by doing so I was enabling them from seeing how bad things were so I stopped unless I thought it would affect my health immediately [like moldy food in the fridge]

At times you must bite your tongue & stay quiet but during that time make contingency plans for the most likely scenerios - get your ducks in order for when not if you need to go forward - if possible contact your siblings to get everyone on the same page/line for when the time comes & it will come at sometime - hopefully it is solvable with your plans but sometimes life goes haywire too -

I hope that I haven't scared you too much but you basically asked for the truth & here it is with all its worts - best thing is to become educated on their potential problems & find out from your circle of friends what you need to know & who you need to know about to help them when the time comes - good luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to moecam

See All Answers