My 90 year old Grandmother whom I have always been close to will not take medication for alzheimer's or dementia because she says "she doesn't have it and there's nothing wrong with her"

She is still out mending her garden every day that won a beautification award from the city we live in. I'm proud to think I have inherited this amazing woman's green thumb because I was nominated last year but didn't win YET !!!!

It all started about 2 years ago. My boyfriend at the time whom I was pregnant with his child was re-doing Baba's basement after a bad storm had flooded it. Him and I along with others to help here and there every day. I spent a lot of my time upstairs enjoying her company and garden. After Kian was born I took him there once. That day she had showed me a picture of her in her favorite dress that she still owned and had it actually hanging on her bedroom door. A couple weeks passed and news is .... I stole her picture. I never confronted her but I still called her to check in. She brought it up. I assured her that I did not take the picture and a few days later it was found. Her reasoning is ... my father her son placed it back where it was but that was after I bent it.

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That makes so much sense. What if she does feel like I am ignoring her??? I'm not. I'm just told it's not a good idea.
How do they know what is good and what isn't???

I'm not being mean or anything towards my Aunt's or Uncle's so please don't think I am. I just wish they would have been as concerned when I first questioned them getting together and figuring out what's best.

Now years later they tell me it's too late she's too far gone.

So I just feel like complete crap. My role model the woman I would give anything to be half the woman she is. I have to remain the thieving devil's child during the last year's of her life.

And no she has not "wandered" she is very paranoid. So much that when her cat passed away from obvious obesity because she feeds them a choice of ten different dry foods five wet and lunchmeat, boiled chicken, tasty treats. All 5 cats if hers are HUGE. She paid to have the University Of Michigan do an autopsy on the cat she says her neighbors poisoned. Even after the results of obesity. Nope they poisoned the cat :(
She needs everyone more than ever right now. My Dad needs to read up on what's really going on. So what she says this about you and your kids. You know that's not Baba talking. She gives gives gives and helps helps helps. I just wanna help.
But what if I do call and make things worse? I don't see that happening though. I talk to her enough to know when to shut up. Unlike others!!!

I bet if it was them or their children they'd wanna call too. And like a broken record. I'm not calling to confront. I'm calling because I love and care about her so much !!!!
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Yes I keep reminding my Dad that. He gets so upset easily and has ALWAYS been argumentative with her. Sometimes he gets carried away. He is trying though. He's definitely trying. She has sooooo many old bank statements and checkbooks. My 2 Aunts (Her 2 Daughters) started going there to throw out any old paperwork so she doesn't find a bill from 2012 and accuse me of using her Costco card. Last week she found a dentist statement and called my Uncle to tell him I charged new teeth on her card ???? Like She has been saying that he (My Uncle) has been stealing from her. And his daughter stole all her gold and yes she hid it on herself and it was found behind a dresser drawer. But as of lately I am being singled out and it hurts but like I said. It hurts more that I know the best of her us gone. And everyone needs to use a lot more patience and understanding when it all boils down. She's not going to leave her home. I'm the only one who lives the closest that has the time to help go there and ground her, take her shopping, she is so funny and so cute. I just wish they (her kids) worried a lot sooner. My Dad and Uncle do the most for her. My Dad is over there every other day. They are the ones who get the late night calls or calls from neighbors that the ambulance just took her. My Aunt said "She's too far gone so don't call" ... I feel as if I'm being punished, denied my Grandmother. Yes that's your Mom but where were you 2-3 years ago when I brought up the concern first? Like nobody wanted to deal with it/or be the one to have to take the blunt of what comes with having a loved one who suffers from this.
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I'm glad you were able to add more information. The "something is missing and someone took it" variety of paranoia is particularly common. And it feeds itself. They become very worried about their possessions and hide them to keep them safe. Then they forget that they've hidden them! They see this as further evidence someone is stealing. Oh dear! This can be very frustrating for the caregiver and family.

Again, try to avoid a confrontation. "You can't find your red sunglasses? That is too bad, because they really are nice. I didn't take them but I might have misplaced them while I was straightening things up. I'll help you look for them. If they don't show up in a few days, let's go shopping and get new ones."

"Oh, I'm so glad the picture turned up! Should we get a duplicate made of that picture? And are there any others it would be good to have another copy of? We can go together to the shop that has a do-it-yourself scanning machine so you won't even have to leave it there."

I don't envy you. This is common but not pleasant!

I wouldn't stop calling her when these things come up. That is too much like punishing her for things she can't help. If you have to deal with accusations each time you call, do so calmly. She needs to know you still care about her. Her entire world has changed. Be her stable, loving friend.

Some people with dementia wander. These episodes are not "caused" or "triggered" by getting upset. They are part of the dementia. Has she done any wandering? Has she mentioned it?

It sounds like it isn't only Grandmother who is in denial. Your parents' generation either don't believe it or don't get it. People with dementia generally can't live without help after the very earliest stage.

Do you like to read? I suggest the book "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey. It deals with the topic of missing items, as well as other things that happen in dementia.
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Thanks for your input. I haven't yet finished all the details of my story. The question I was looking for some direction with is ... SHOULD I CALL HER LIKE I WANTED TO A MONTH - 2 MONTHS AGO ???
If I wouldn't have asked my Dad and he wouldn't have asked his sister and brother ... I would have already called. She has been diagnosed with something ???
Nobody goes into her doctor's office. They just sit and wait for her to be done. But she was prescribed meds. About 4-5 years ago. She still lives at home alone.
I'm not wanting to call and confront her. I just want to say hello and take it from there. It calmed the first storm. Why does her children (my Aunts and Uncles) just now realize they need to help her ???
I have been questioning my Dad like ... Why doesn't someone tell her that this medication is going to help her. Even lie !!! Sorry but tell her it's good for her hair and nails because she's always asking how my hair is so nice. I buy her the products I use but every one has been returned because the smell is too strong. (This woman can smell UNSCENTED SUAVE LOTION) Seems crazy because I remember all the bottles of perfume she had collected on her dresser. Now I cannot go over there smelling like anything. I love her. She is the only Grandma I have left. I do not think I'm going to get her so worked up that she wanders away from her home (Aunt's reasoning not to call) ... I actually reached out to my Aunt's  oldest daughter Oksana my cousin about the whole picture ordeal. I can tell the things she is accusing me of have been topics of conversations between us. Like I said we would talk for hours.

What to do ????
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Grandmother is in denial that she has dementia? Has she had a formal diagnosis? How long do you think she has had it?

Paranoid delusions are very common in dementia. Sometimes this is a phase that doesn't last long. Sometimes it persists for a long time. It is always a challenge for caregivers.

Generally it is best to avoid confrontations. Be reassuring and sympathetic. Don't admit to things you didn't do, but show that you are on their side. When my husband accused me of stealing money I said, "If there is money missing, that is upsetting! I know I did not deliberately take money but I could have made a mistake. Or even the bank could have made a mistake. Would you look over the last two bank statements and see if you can spot where the problem is? Then I can work on straightening it out." He very quickly got bored with the bank statements which he no longer understood. But that ended that particular accusation at least for that day.

Has medication been prescribed for her? I'm not sure there is a good medication for paranoia.

Welcome to the forums!
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This is a common trait with dementia and it can last a long time - has grandma been to a neurologist or geriatric Doctor ? If she becomes so upset that you can't redirect or ignore the accusations then it will be very challenging to be her caregiver in home 

If mom had been on meds sooner then she might have been able to stay home longer rather than go to a facility
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