My mom is going to get kicked out of assisted living. Then what? - AgingCare.com

My mom is going to get kicked out of assisted living. Then what?

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My mother will not comply with the assisted livings rules and has been caught smoking in her room. The next time she will be asked to leave. They told her that the only other place she can go would be a nursing home and she went ballistic. She has dementia and cannot live alone, but will not comply with assisted living. So can she refuse to go? And if so, what will they do with her??? Where will she go? Living here is not an option. Already tried that. Mom has gotten so argumentative and combative I don't even recognize her any more. I assume the AL will have to call Adult Protective Services, and then what will happen????? I'm exhausted. I've moved mom three times in 9 months and she just will not comply with anything!

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I’ve not felt with dementia much except in mental hospitals as an RN Of 40 yrs, but there is still a person in there that still has feelings and knows they are slowly losing their life and now their freedom, and if it were you now wouldn’t you be angry? Would you just cower down and comply with all the rules? She didn’t ask for this disease. I know you’ve been through a lot but it really helps if you can walk in the older persons shoes. It helps you too if you understand where they are coming from. Sometimes behavior such as this can be caused by knowing life is ending and they are losing control of the least little things that made them a human being in their eyes. Perhaps this realization is lost in distraction then remembered and the upset starts again. What can you do to give back some perception of control? To her she might feel as if in prison and to a large degree she is and for doing nothing wrong. How does it feel to know you’ll never again go home to your own home? No one can truly know that until they have to face it themselves.
I told my mom to put my grandma in a nursing home when I was 20 and grandma had loss of bowel control due to meds but I didn’t understand about meds then that you just stop those and find others. She stopped talking, eating and breathing deeply and got pneumonia and died. Since I became an RN and realized this I have regretted it so badly I can hardly get over it. For almost 50 years now. Our parents and grandparents watched over us, found everything they could about how to help us, kept us alive and well as best they could and contributed to the community and world as well as us and we have to try to give back. I didn’t know to look meds up in 1969. But I should have found out. I should have thought-what is different? What could be the cause? This never happened before... but I didn’t put myself in her shoes and she died for it. I know it’s not the same situation but I don’t want anyone else to suffer as she did, we in effect threw her away, And I still suffer. I want everyone to remember their loved ones as they loved them best and know that they did the very best they could with love and understanding. No regret; only peace and love for you and for them.
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Fluffy. Congratulations for getting out from under her manipulative power. I know she is your mother, but she would not be selling her manipulative behavior if no one was buying into it. I have been in a similar situation for a short and was lucky enough to figure it out early on. Who knows what happens next, but it won't be going on in my house.
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I am so sorry for your situation. Personally I love science since they have discovered all kinds of mood altering meds. But so far nothing for dementia....
Anyways, does your unhappy mother perhaps have a lifetime of untreated depression? Has she been assessed? Is she anxious? In Pain? My MIL has depression, anxiety and pain which makes her a pain. The SSRI she takes has actually helped a lot, but more is needed. Maybe there is a way to make your mom feel better without turning her into a catatonic zombie. Are you sure you will feel ok longterm about walking away from this? She may want to smoke, but if she doesn't have the butts readily available she will have to depend on her caretakers to provide the time and place. This is not unreasonable. Remember you are dealing with a person with the emotional control of a 2 year old, probably temper tantrums and all. Like a 2 year old she is unable to set priorities or make good decisions. Don't let her griping get to you. Do what you have to do and feel good about it.
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Fluffy...if "walking away" works...PLEASE let me know how you do it. As Mom's only relative, I have ALL the responsibility for everything. I am 53 years old and want to "run away from home."
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Its very sad...I dont blame you..one can only take so much.
Sounds like its her way or no way. Your a wonderful daughter and she
is very lucky to have you. Take care of yourself.
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I would make sure since you have been involved in moving her to assisted living facilities that you won't be responsible for moving her again if she gets kicked out. I had an uncle, who was in the ending stages of Lewy Body Dementia and was extremely difficult. He got kicked out of a couple places. Since I was his conservator it was my responsibility to remove him and find another facility. Who has been signing the contracts for your mother's assisted living? Do you have Power of Attorney or your mother's health directive? If so, I would speak to the attorney to see what legal responsibilities you have and how you can remove yourself from being liable for your mother's care especially since you have been so involved up to this point.
I am now going through it with my father. Through many tests doctors can get pretty close in determining which kind of dementia your mother has. Different medications work well for certain behavioral problems depending on which type of dementia the person is suffering from. My father was extremely difficult. Once they determined which type of dementia he had, looked at his behavioral problems they came up with a good medication regimen that works extremely well for him. One is a mood stablizer and the other is an anti depressant that has a sedative effect which is given at night.
Elderly with dementia is one of the most difficult things to deal with for caregivers. Many are like big rebellious toddlers. In fact, many probably have declined mentally to a toddler stage. It is so hard seeing a parent or loved one, ripping off those clothes in public, urinating in places they shouldn't, saying and being mean, spitting on sidewalks, picking their teeth with their finger nails at the dinner table, etc. They have lost all the manners and social graces they grew up with. They may only remember the family members from a time when they were young children. Their mentality and behavior is also like a young child or toddler. Understanding that may make it a bit easier, but it doesn't take away the feelings of wanting to turn around and run away. We are now the parents of our parents.
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My Dad was thrown out ten years ago because of smoking. He moved in with me a non-smoking house. Six months later he was smoke free. We used smoke-away scented oil and tapes I played for him at night. It worked, I hope everything works out for you and Mom.
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i like the stuffed cat idea. the kitty litter would stay fresh indefinately.
i think the AL should give your mother a smoke outdoors from time to time. i think they are money mills tho and would rather replace her with someone " easier " . of course they will always claim to have your mothers best interests in mind. bee - ess..
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Completely understandable. Have a similar issue in my life with my Sis and 95 yr. old mother. Everything is "don't upset Mother"
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I always thought that the worse thing that happened to my elderly aunt, was that she had to give up smoking. She had had a stroke. Smoking was about all she had, to make her happy. At my Mother's nursing home, the patients smoke outside, supervised.
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