How do you deal with the irrational behavior in public when your mom shows out and turns on you in front of everyone?

My heart goes out to you PamalaSue. I hope the original poster is not one if this sites victims of childhood abuse. I'm sorry for anyone that suffered an abusive parent. Hopefully in this case, it is a medication adjustment issue or a slight shift in outlook towards Mom's disease that will make a difference to the relationship between applesed1 and her Mom.

I can only offer advice from my own experiences. My Mother was a strong, smart, loving Mom to me growing up. Its what made the temperament changes so hard to bear. The mean verbal garbage and physical surprises were not committed by the Mom that raised me.

I hope aplesed1 is in the same boat.

I think it is a combo of both. My mother is manipulative, it is not the disease it is her. She forgets what is convenient at the time to forget and remembers when that is convenient too. Of course there is cognitive decline, I see this with everyday tasks, but I also see the manipulation. If I sit with her night and day, give her everything she wants when she wants it, it is all okay. If I want to go in another room and read my book or work on my pc, she has a problem, I needed to fix my scanner yesterday and she kept coming in the room to tell me when she was going to the bathroom. Okay, small house, don't need to know, but I wasn't right next to her, so I cook her a nice dinner after a nice breakfast and lunch and various teas and give her a great dessert to hear her talking to herself because I am doing something for myself, she is calling me a selfish bitch. I think this is her personality. So someone who is forgetful knows a day later that I am not too pleased with being called names, hmm, short term memory seems to be doing fine. It hurts regardless, and I can assure you he knows how to be controlling.

My heart goes to all of you. This journey is a tough one. I think that every time I complete a step toward making things a little more reasonable, my parents' physical and mental health declines even more. In addition to paying their bills and POA for all their finances, mom calls every day while I'm at work with what I call her 'what can you do for me today?' call. If I say okay to anything, she wants more. When we're in public she's sweet to everyone out loud, but says very nasty things in a quieter voice. If I take her to the grocery store and tell her I can afford for her to pick up about 30 dollars worth of things, she has at least twice that amount in her carriage and says to me out loud for all to hear, 'Oh, I might have spent more than 30 dollars. Do you need me to put some of these things back?' I saw the faces of everyone in the checkout line the last time that happened, and felt like the meanest person in the world. In fact, I wanted to write to the local newspaper, "If you saw me at the grocery store on Thursday, please understand that my mom needs a lot of help from me and I'm doing the best I can, as compassionately as I can."
After losing a kidney to cancer I need to see my doctor every 6 months and I dread going this time because I've done none of the things for myself that the doctor wanted done. I know I can tell him that I spent 3 of the last 6 months tending to dad in hospital and rehab and at least every other day tending to him at home while mom and her dementia keep me in a race to keep her from spending every cent they have which means I'll have to cover their financial needs until the next month, but I hate excuses. Phew, this is quite a ride.

I haven't signed on in a while but I'm still here. Mom is living with us and her mid stage dementia is progressing. I see things changing monthly. She no longer gets her birth date right. She knows the numbers but puts them in the wrong order. She wants to send holiday cards to her parents and talks to me as though I'm her deceased older sister.
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Anyway, the reason I decided to post is that I recently came upon a difficult situation with Mom that has been recurring and I ran out of ideas on how to redirect her. In desperation, I called the Alzheimer Association Hot Line that I've known about for years. It took a lot for me to make that call but I'm so glad I did.

I was on hold for a minute or so after I gave the intake person some information. Then rather than stay on hold I said it was okay for someone to call me back. I'm so glad I did! I spoke with a counselor named Rachel who was insightful, supportive and compassionate and had good ideas.

Please, if you need some good advice, moral support or just need someone to talk to, call the AA Hotline. There are counselors available 24/7 and it's free. Your relatives and friends are not always available.

Appleseed1, you are not alone in this and your situation ... as well as everyone else's ... is hard! And hang on to you boots because it can get harder and harder. BUT...you need to trust yourself. You will find solutions. When you think you can't - vent here or anywhere else you feel comfortable. Tell your family what you need - they may not want to hear you but you can't keep quiet. Take care of yourself because you are no good to anyone if you don't.

I go to the Alzheimer's Reading Room online sometimes and I subscribe to their email newsletter. Even though many of you have more difficult situations, I realize our's is getting harder and I know in my heart that I don't want regrets. So when Mom is at her very worst, I remind myself that I am talking to a disease, not my mother.

When Mom first moved in, I corrected things she said because I thought it was important that she have correct information. NOT SO!!!

I've printed a little quotation I read in an AA email: "Do you want to be right or do you want Peace?" I spend a fair amount of time in my kitchen so it's on my frig. I don't have to look at it. I know it's there and knowing that helps me refocus many times a day!

As sstayton said, with AA and Dementia, every 5 minutes can change. Let me recommend a paperback book I have to all of you. It's entitled "Creating Moments of Joy" by Jolene Brackey. I purchased it on Amazon. The chapters are typically short so I can sneak to my bathroom and read a little to try to break the tension I may be feeling. I've used a highlighter all through the book.

Big Hugs to all of you!! I hope you find Moments of Joy this weekend.
Carolyn aka BEE

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PurpleOrchids, start to make it easier for yourself. Get a list and go shopping alone. You could call your Mom to get the list. Before we moved Mom in with us I was able to place grocery orders online and have someone take her to pick up the order. Like you, I am POA and have been paying Mom's bills for a long time. I am a signer on her accounts which makes things easier for me. Before things got so bad, I became an authorized person on Mom's health insurance and medicare. I didn't realize what a good move that was at the time. But now, when I have a question or need some help, I don't need Mom to get on the phone at all.

So I'll repeat what I said earlier. Do what you can to make it easier for yourself. That is not selfish, it will make it better for you to be available to help your parents in other ways - not to mention easing your burden a little. Feel the hugs! BEE

I am sooo grateful for this site and all these answers!!! I agree with a lot that Pamela Sue says - for example my father wasn't "there for me" growing up but now since I am the only biological child all these health care people are like the roles are reversed. Not exactly. It's so frustrating and heartwrenching. And I also agree the public does NOT understand dementia and bad public behavior. Ask the lady that my father continued to bark at in a mexican restaurant. I apologized to her but that didn't make it any less uncomfortable or humiliating for me or for her - and he thought it was soooo funny. And on the flip side I have his home help agency people and his local doctor acting like he is ok - uh, no - who in their right mind barks at a stranger in a restaurant? Or shakes a baseball bat at the door of a pharmacy - that is NOT normal!!! So tired and so frustrated!!!

Guardianship should not cost quite that much, but laws and ways around this vary from state to state and attorney to attorney. (One question is whether you can afford the likely alternative scenarios! An adult is legally conisdered to be their own guardian until it is way beyond obvious they are incapacitated...and if you want their health care information, even beyond that...) But seriouslly, there are also alternatives to guardianships in most states. I was just reading the Texas Guide to Adult Garudianship and it goes over multiple options that may work instead. Adult Protective Services or social services can help for a person who cannot care for themselves, and eventually someone would have to step in should she become homeless. The website www.guardianship.org is not all that helpful, but I found this on a Florida website Q and A:

"IS THE GUARDIAN LIABLE FOR THE WARDS DEBTS?
No. Unlike the parent-minor child relationship, the Guardian does not have to pay the ward’s debts from the Guardian’s pocket.

WHAT ARE THE COSTS AND ATTORNEY FEES INVOLVED?
The Court filing fee is $400 for a Guardianship of the Person and Property ($235 if Guardianship of the Person only), and an additional $231 for the incapacity portion of the case. The attorney fee varies based on the amount of work required and whether there is an emergency situation and may be many months after the Guardianship is established. The Judge will appoint two doctors and a lay person; that fee is usually $750. Also, the Court will appoint an attorney for the person that needs assistance. That fee is usually around $400. If the ward has assets, that fee is paid from those assets, if not, the County pays that fee.

CAN THE GUARDIAN BE REIMBURSED FOR COSTS?
Absolutely. The Guardian is also eligible for a fee for going to Court and meeting with the attorney and handling the affairs of the ward. The Court could award fees of approximately $25 per hour or more in certain cases. Of course, if the ward has no money, there will be no funds to pay such fees. Some Guardians ask for a fee, some don’t. A fee is taxable income. Reimbursement of costs is not taxable."

Guardianship is still a huge reponsibility and requires a lot more court invovlement and paperwork than POA, including annual reporting, so it is a shame that it is probably beyond the point to legitimately do that for Mom instead. Just a representative payee account might be enough to help you financially, and that is not as hard to do (invovles limited documents and a trip to the local Social Security office) and more info on that is at www.ssa.gov/payee/faqrep.htm. It is for sure beyond overwhelming to try to get a handle on all of it. I did not know *any* of this before I went through it with my mom and dad. It might be that you can get a free or inexpensive initial consultation from an eldercare attorney on what may be best that could help get you all going in the right direction.