Follow
Share

This has only been month 3, but my mom's tales are more irratic. She does not want to admit that she owes money on her house, that she has not paid her bills and will not take care of her finances. I do not have POA ( she will not agree to it) and guardianship proceedings will cost 3,000.00. ( I do not have that kind of money and neither does my mom). How do I help her?

When she gets on the phone, she spins her tales of fancy and make-believe and when she is pressed to face the truth, she becomes angry and hangs up the phone or turns mean on us and calls us dumb and stupid and then begins to talk ugly to me and my husband and my kids.

Thankfully, I have my brother who takes his turn taking care of her too. We have both agreed that we can not emotionally do more than a month at a time; it is too taxing. Plus, I will soon not have a job and will have to move to a smaller place where there will be no room for her - if both my husband and I can not find work.

As her dementia progresses, it has become increasingly hard to deal with her mood swings. I know from reading postings on this site, that there are people worse off than I am, but it won't be too much longer before my mom is there too.

How can I prepare for the future, when I can not help her now? This has been extremely stressful on my husband and my children. Even though they are older, my autistic child has an emotional meltdown every day being in the same house as she is. My son who is 19 stays home too to keep the peace and keep an eye out for his grandmother. Last night we all had an emotional group therapy session after she finally went to bed and just let it all out. Thank goodness, my brother takes over next weekend.

This site has been extremely helpful and I am grateful for all the advice I've been given. Any advice you can continue to give me, I would be grateful. It just breaks my heart to see my mom deteriorate like this and this is how my kids will remember their grandmother, not as the sweet, kind lady who loved them and shared her ilfe with them.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Remember, first and foremost, this is not your mother talking--it is the disease. The disease is robbing your and your family of mother's presense. So please try to understand the "why" for her change in personality and the public outbursts. I don't believe things will get better and that your family will have to really deal with the trauma of this dreaded disease. Luckily you and your brother can partner to work together and relieve each other. But the problems will continue until you both decide to take some kind of action for the POA and working within the long term care system to get some kind of assistance. There are ways to have mom at a day care or a senior campion to assist with her care during the day. Day care is a great way to have an alternative way of caring for her and at the same time provide for her a good setting to deal with some of her personality changes that the dementia brings on. I too do agree with taking her to her physician and making sure all the meds are working and appropriate. Continue to dialogue with others and continue to work for the care of mom while at the same time provide some kind of survival techniques for you and your brother. Don't look for an overnight solution as this will take many attempts within the system to get help for all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The general public understands elderly individuals with dementia and outbursts, just as they understand little brats in the market having tantrums! Lol.
Both behaviors are a fact of life, and something we all learn to accept. It is not a reflection on you. You are a separate entity:) Just smile and relax. Say "Oh Well." She can't help it, You can't reason with her-- and you can't spank her!!!
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I'm going to have to disagree, the general public does not understand, and those outbursts frighten some, especially children. People are not used to seeing that around here at all, only in hospital settings or nursing homes, assisted living homes, etc.

No, of course it is not a reflection of the daughter, it's not a reflection of any of us, but we can't be dishonest about how those fits and outbursts are received by others.

Perhaps we should be more understanding, but we are talking about a society at large that has been putting into institutions all kinds of people that we as families are simply unable to care for, for a long time. There's nothing wrong with this. We know the stories here, it's healthier for all concerned. It only means that there are things we are not used to.

Has your mom seen her doctor? Is she on any new medications? Do you feel any adjustments need to be made? Or perhaps she isn't on any and would benefit?

N. meds caused her to be exactly like the above until we straightened them out. I could tell you some real whoppers that she told me!

Does your mom have a social worker? Can the three of you sit down with her and discuss options for her future?
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

When my fathers dementia started, I wasn't really prepared or informed about it. The medical professionals never informed me of it. He would throw tantrums and bat his hands at me. He would yell no no no while batting his hands at me in public for no specific reason. I would step back and look at him like are you insane? Eventually I just humored him like a small child. On more than one occasion in a busy store or waiting room at the Doctors office he portrayed this type of behavior and rationalizing or reasoning with him was impossible. I would basicly roll my eyes and shake my head. I showed no emotional response to his tantrums. I would remain calm on the outside when inside I was panicky, embarrased, and stressed. I found being calm and passive didn't feed his tantrums and they would be shorter. I would have to tell him to be nice, stop that and apologized to others near by for his outbursts. He isn't aware of his behavior or his actions. He was too much for me to take care of so I contacted the Department of Aging and he has a social worker that checks on him regularly. One of my sisters also helps me now also. Though I still take care of most of his medical care, errands, preparing meals, and house cleaning. I don't have to go by his house every day. I also joined a support group that I go to weekly and got a prescription of Zoloft to help me cope with the stress of caring for my father. Ask your Mom's Doctor for medication to help with the Dementia. Once your mom is on the dementia medication she may be rational enough to discuss her finances but otherwise don't even try because she will not understand. Getting a social worker will help also. You can get a social worker through the county where you reside and thier are private social workers but they cost. I too am financially strapped and slightly physically disabled. I completely understand your situation and sympathize with you. It's good that you have the love and support of your family.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I agree with you, PamelaSue, that most do not understand dementia at all. My mother will not even admit that she has dementia and my brother and sister support my mother's fantasy world. My siblings know noting about dementia, either.
My mother goes to her doctor by herself and refuses to allow me to go with her. She never tells the doctors the truth about her behavior. So, her doctor gives her no information about dementia and tells my mother he can't find anything "physically" wrong with her.
I have often been embarrassed by my mother in public and I am consistently embarrassed emotionally and attacked by my mother in front of my brother and sister.
My siblings do almost nothing for my mother, so they prefer to believe nothing is wrong with her. I now live with my mother full time and am her only caregiver.
Because my mom is a master at acting, she continually pulls off almost flawless
performances in public, so her attacks on me are often considered acceptable and what I deserve. Part of her illness manifests itself into pathological lying, as well. I am the target of most of her lies so that the picture she paints of me is convincing to others. Luckily, I've managed to talk my mother into moving into a retirement home in a few months (hopefully). So, in the meantime, I stay in contact with my friends and I try to practice relaxing techniques.

Good luck to you applesed1!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I understand how powerless you feel. First things first, the practicalities, It is not clear from your writing if your mother still has a home or is in default. What is happening to her home while she alternates living between you and your brother and how are her bills being paid? Is moving you all to her home a possible course of action? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? You can't get a POA if she is deemed medically incompetent, and you can't get a guardianship until she is deemed incapacitated. These things need to be sorted in order to figure out how to further proceed. Get her to a professional Geriatrician for tests, diagnosis and guidance, consider a contact to your elder abuse agency for advise and they will have you on record should any complaints be lodged against you.

I know too well about the stories that can put you in very hot water, it has been my experience that a lot of my mother's stories were for attention, negative attention is better than none.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You have an awful lot going on. I agree that you need to have your mother assessed by a medical professional. I agree you should look towards getting help locally. There are senior organizations that can help. In my area it is called Senior's Plus. They have financial advisors as well as support groups. As for POA... you can get DPOA (durable power of attorney) for when she is incapable but if she is already, it is too late and you would seek guardianship. I would talk with your local seniors support group... they will know your local laws. Plus as someone pointed out... can you move her back to her house and have someone stay with her there. If she has dementia moving her around will only inflame her feeling insecure, they generally do best in a constant environment.

As for your problems not being a large as others. Thank You for saying that. I have started to post things but feel shame because what I am going through is nothing compared to some. I need to find a site that will support the day to day problems. Our problems are not as great but we still need support and this is still new for us. I am on my 4th family member and every time it has been different. My grandmother C would wait for a public audience (she never did it when we were alone) and in a loud voice tell me how fat I was. The 1st time I was shocked and hurt. The next time I was more embarrassed for the strangers who witnessed it. The tension in the air was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I smiled and said "I love you too Grammy". It only happened a few times because each time I would say "I love you too". And I really worked at saying it with compassion instead of anger. She stopped. She was not getting that attention she was looking for.

Aside... if a urinary tract infection can cause dementia. I found the book "The 36-hour Day" helpful. Best to you and yours.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Try not to get upset, people w/ AD feed off us. Sometimes this very hard to do. I have learned to work hard to "prevention" Learn the things that set her off. They to avoid those things. ** If she still gets upset and rude ** remember she probably can't help it ** she may be hurting, hungry, need to go to the bathroom or sioled herself.she may be stressed about being out in public. My dad has AD, he gets very nervous going out in public. He wants to go places, but only familiar places. And w/ AD every 5 minutes that can change. ** this is a tough battle, be easy on yourself. JUST take deep breathes ! ! Hugs to you ! !
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It is really quite pointless to 'argue' with the dementia.
try to change subject, move on, sometimes ignore it.
Whay a lot of folks don't know is that someone might be overmedicated, or have drug interactions, also very important to make sure as crazy as it sounds; No urinary tract infections!
Look up 'polypharmacy'
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

One way we stopped the irritional behavior in public was to begin limiting public outings as much as possible with my father-in-law. He is extremly hard of hearing, refuses to get a hearing aid and screams every sentence. He has never been formally diagnosed with demential or alzheimers.
He would scream at us (want to begin aruguments), scream about politics, race, even to the point of using the "N word" out in public.
My husband and I said to each other, "if he doesn't kill us, someone is going to be waiting for us out in the parking lot by the time he is finished." We live in a state where race relations are sometimes very tense and all that aside, as a decent human being, there are some things you just don't say.
Also, it is not fair to either of your sons -- the one with autism or the peacekeeper. Take it from someone who had 3 ulcers by the time her grandparents died -- it is not worth it.
Discuss with your brother assisted living of some sort.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter