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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Yes. Tell mom she will have to move to AL if she refuses to help her depression by taking medication. Her choice. When my mother pulled this stunt, I told her I'd stop helping her totally if she refused the antidepressants. She lived in Independent Senior Living with dad at the time and was making our lives miserable. She agreed and things improved quite a bit. Don't allow mom to wiggle out of this. Its YOUR home, your rules.
Tell Mom that you understand how hard things are, given that aging has one loss after another, and now she is living outside her own home, in your home, and must feel as though so many choices are taken from her. Tell her you understand her grief and anger. But tell her also that things are not easy for you either. That you stand witness to these losses and they make you fear how close you are yourself to the losses. That you have tried to the best of your limitations/abilities to make your home her home, but the fact is that it IS YOUR HOME. And you depend on your home as haven from a hard world. And if it is not a home that is peaceful, then you WILL MOST CERTAINLY take steps to make it so. Tell her that if she cannot come into some control of her anger and fear and upset, and cannot find some contentment in some activities of her own, that she cannot continue to stay in your home and will have to go into care, which may in fact be BETTER for her in giving her more choices in friends and activities, but whether better for her or not, YOU have a life to live. And it must be a life with some contentment and peace in your own home. Tell your mom you will help her speak to a doctor. That perhaps a low dose antidepressant will make the world seem a bit more sunny; worth a try; can always stop it if it's no help. Ask what ideas of her own for activities that would help might be. Would she like to cook a meal with you? Take a walk. Work a puzzle. Knit, be read to. WHAT?
Short of that, she will understand and respond or not. And then you must make the tough choices. They are yours to make. You deserve a life of peace and contentment.
Please realize you cannot be your mom's caretaker. If your mom doesn't cooperate, you need to reach out to an Elder Care Attorney. Not sure if your mom has a POA or Guardian? You may have her hospitalized and get her into a personal care home. There are medications that she will be prescribed in the nursing home. Sorry for your stressful time. I know it's hard, but your mom isn't going to turn around without help.
I for one, know all about how it feels to have mom living in your home. I am still going through the transition of mom moving out. Her presence and personality was so stressful to everyone, because no one likes to hear nagitivity and being told how and what to do all the time. Things can get heated and overwhelming in the household. I made a mistake of not sitting down and talking with mom about all the things that was upsetting me and my family. So to say the least, it wasn't the best situation or did not fix or solve the whole problem, but it did give us all somewhat time alone to reconcile as a family. I have been through a lot of tears, stress, and anxiety but my advice would be talk to your mom about how it make you and your family feel and ask her if she could give you a break by staying with a friend for a while or maybe she needs companionship with people of her age. I have found my mom an apartment for the elderly and disabled and hoping this will give her the happiness she is looking for. I hope you best of luck in your decisions.
Maybe it was just a typo but I love your word 'nagativity' because constant negativity from someone can be come so annoying it IS like nagging! You are so right to have The Talk so mom understands her unhappiness is sadly bringing the entire household down; some people would care and correct their behavior to the best of their ability, some can't or won't. Let your mom know that other arrangements must be made for her for your family harmony to be restored, for her sake and so the family can then just return to being her loving relatives. All the best to ALL of you.
Antidepressants are what, I believe, made the biggest difference with my husband after tests showed dementia. He had gone from what I described as “the nicest guy on the planet” to someone who yelled a lot (and denied he was yelling), was verbally abusive or rude to anyone who upset him even in minute ways, and he was somewhat paranoid. After his diagnosis of dementia AND depression, we started with 25 mg of Sertraline, then 50 mg and most recently 100 mg. He is a changed person. Of course once he was diagnosed with dementia, we figured out that he had been mishandling his pain meds that he took for other medical issues, and his PCP doc, along with his Alzheimer’s doc worked together to make sure he was taking correct doses at the correct times of day. Now I manage his meds (HUGE struggle because he wanted control) and his pain and moods have stabilized.
I give all this personal background to emphasize how his taking antidepressants helped in every other way to get him to the point where he seems to be content. I have one more eventuality that I expect to be a huge transition and that is when he can no longer drive. That will be a battle. But please, if you aren’t there yet, work with your Mom’s doctors to find a way to insist that she start taking antidepressants. Put it on you by using “I” words rather than blaming her by saying, “I can’t handle this fighting and disruption, so if you are unable to help me by taking this medication then I won’t be able to have you live here anymore. What would you rather do, take this pill once a day, or find somewhere else to live?”
Thank you for the info. I can relate. After a stroke at age 53, my husband turned from the best person I've ever known, to a demanding large child, with no impulse control. It's been 9 years, and we have tried so many medications! But we have not tried Sertraline :). I will ask the doctor on next visit.
And, Kartyjb, it's time for tough love. Mom needs to know what YOUR demands are if she is to stay in your home. Otherwise, it is off to the nursing home. Bye!
You can't force medication on anyone. I'm a firm believer that "meds" aren't always the answer. You have choices though.
If your mother has dementia and this is the cause of her depression and anger, you should get her placed in assisted living as fast as you can because it will only get worse. If she's moved into AL now before her dementia is too advanced, she will still be able to acclimate to her new environment and even make some friends.
If your mother does not have dementia, you demand that she keep her anger in check and start being a contributing member of your household if she wants to continue being a member of your household. Do not tolerate any anger, raging, tantrums, orneriness, lashing out, or instigating. Make it clear that her misery-spreading, negativity, and 'nagativity' (I'm in love with this term in Butterfly62's comment) will not be allowed in your house. Her depression is not going to bring everyone down and ruin the lives of your family. If she refuses mental health care (which doesn't have to include meds), she has to leave your house.
Take a firm stance with her and stay true to your word. If you say it's one more chance or she goes, then it's one more chance and she's out.
Enlist the help of her doctor. Let doctor know your concerns. Ask for prescription for skilled nursing facility. Tell her that is she does not take her medication(s) or get help that you can no longer care for her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Tell Mom that you understand how hard things are, given that aging has one loss after another, and now she is living outside her own home, in your home, and must feel as though so many choices are taken from her. Tell her you understand her grief and anger. But tell her also that things are not easy for you either. That you stand witness to these losses and they make you fear how close you are yourself to the losses. That you have tried to the best of your limitations/abilities to make your home her home, but the fact is that it IS YOUR HOME. And you depend on your home as haven from a hard world. And if it is not a home that is peaceful, then you WILL MOST CERTAINLY take steps to make it so. Tell her that if she cannot come into some control of her anger and fear and upset, and cannot find some contentment in some activities of her own, that she cannot continue to stay in your home and will have to go into care, which may in fact be BETTER for her in giving her more choices in friends and activities, but whether better for her or not, YOU have a life to live. And it must be a life with some contentment and peace in your own home.
Tell your mom you will help her speak to a doctor. That perhaps a low dose antidepressant will make the world seem a bit more sunny; worth a try; can always stop it if it's no help. Ask what ideas of her own for activities that would help might be. Would she like to cook a meal with you? Take a walk. Work a puzzle. Knit, be read to. WHAT?
Short of that, she will understand and respond or not.
And then you must make the tough choices. They are yours to make. You deserve a life of peace and contentment.
Why is she living in your house? and for how long?
Do you want her residing in your home?
Has she been diagnosed with a mental illness? or condition such as dementia?
What is blocking you from making healthy decisions that are in your best interest?
Do you have difficulty asserting yourself?
Are you afraid of her?
Something(s) is getting in your way to value yourself and allowing this behavior.
Do you feel you cannot ask her to leave?
Are you feeling guilty about something?
Do you feel you are traumatized ? how?
These are questions you need to ask yourself.
You would benefit from seeing a therapist to understand your motivations and decision making.
Gena / Touch Matters
I give all this personal background to emphasize how his taking antidepressants helped in every other way to get him to the point where he seems to be content. I have one more eventuality that I expect to be a huge transition and that is when he can no longer drive. That will be a battle. But please, if you aren’t there yet, work with your Mom’s doctors to find a way to insist that she start taking antidepressants. Put it on you by using “I” words rather than blaming her by saying, “I can’t handle this fighting and disruption, so if you are unable to help me by taking this medication then I won’t be able to have you live here anymore. What would you rather do, take this pill once a day, or find somewhere else to live?”
And, Kartyjb, it's time for tough love. Mom needs to know what YOUR demands are if she is to stay in your home. Otherwise, it is off to the nursing home. Bye!
If your mother has dementia and this is the cause of her depression and anger, you should get her placed in assisted living as fast as you can because it will only get worse. If she's moved into AL now before her dementia is too advanced, she will still be able to acclimate to her new environment and even make some friends.
If your mother does not have dementia, you demand that she keep her anger in check and start being a contributing member of your household if she wants to continue being a member of your household. Do not tolerate any anger, raging, tantrums, orneriness, lashing out, or instigating. Make it clear that her misery-spreading, negativity, and 'nagativity' (I'm in love with this term in Butterfly62's comment) will not be allowed in your house. Her depression is not going to bring everyone down and ruin the lives of your family. If she refuses mental health care (which doesn't have to include meds), she has to leave your house.
Take a firm stance with her and stay true to your word. If you say it's one more chance or she goes, then it's one more chance and she's out.
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