I suppose I should start by apologizing, because I don't feel like I'm in my right mind at all. I realized today that my mom is forgetting that she's my mother. I'm so upset, all I see is black.
My mom phoned me twice. She usually says "Hi. It's me." She doesn't say that now. She says "Hi. It's Betty.'' If you knew my mom, you'd know this is something she would just never do. One of her biggest pet peeves is when kids address their parents by their first names.
Its not just that, though. My mom refuses to understand that she needs more help then I can provide her. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't have the courage to force anything on her.
So we're just floundering, we're miserable, she's worsening, and I'm getting so depressed that I just don't care if I live or die. The only thing keeping me going are my dogs.
No one to talk to. I'm sitting here in front of my husband and his cousin, happy that I have hair long enough to hide that I'm crying. (The sniffling, I blamed on allergies.) I can't tell anyone because when I try, I'm made to feel that I'm nothing but a dark cloud. I can't help it, though! (I know my marriage is going down the crapper, and I just don't care anymore. Not about that or anything else.)
How pathetic is it that I've only been care giving a year and I can't hack it. Most of you have been in this hell for so much longer then that. I don't know how you do it, and I wish I was as strong as you are.
I'm so sorry for this post. I'm gonna go try and get a grip now, l lol. Against what's left of my better judgment, I will hit "submit" now, and try my best not to crumble with embarrassment later.
Thanks for listening.