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I've been home caregiver for my spouse since 2012. My question concerns getting around outside the home. He is wheelchair and walker-dependent. Not only that, but we need access to a handicap-safe restroom that advises of and welcomes 'unisex' visitors, in our case male being assisted by female. Some years ago, we visited a great local art museum. My spouse needed a pit stop before we took a long drive home. This was shortly before closing time. I quickly wheeled him into the then-empty men's room, we ducked into the handicapped stall, and he used it OK. But minutes later, every other mobile male who needed a last-call pit stop came in. As the museum closing announcements kept coming over the PA, I kept waiting for all the gents to leave, discreetly (I hoped) peeking out the side of the door to see how many were still standing. We finally got out, and it's funny to recount now but it sure wasn't then. This situation has destroyed any inclination I have to go on any trips other than medical for him. It's a safety issue for him and a major stressor for me. I'm 72 and he's about to hit 70. We're too young for this. Anyone reading this with any input is vastly appreciated.

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Go in the bathroom with him and tell anyone who says anything to piss off. If you can change an opposite gender baby in a public bathroom you can assist a disabled person. Or take him into the women's room, I'd assume females would be more understanding of your situation.
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In our area several of the newly renovated fast food locations have gone to a single user/stall facilities. They usually have two, still marked for each sex, but the rooms are large with hand rails for the handicapped. The local indoor pools also have single stall "family" facilities as do many of our public parks (though only open from March-November). I personally am very supportive of these facilities because they answer so many needs: the adult who needs assistance from a spouse, the parent taking visitation with small children of the opposite sex, and even the transgender crowd who find bathrooms so challenging.

If I were looking for these bathrooms in my relative small community, I would start by calling the building department of my local city; after all they are suppose to inspect the buildings and keep all kinds of list of building features.
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After posting, I was thinking about how and why I got ‘tough’ myself, and remembered an interesting experience in India 55 years ago. Tourist toilet facilities were even less common than western tourists. I went to a down-market toilet, where of course all the pans were set in the floor, no toilet paper and wash your left hand after wiping. I was glad not to need that bit.

There was also a women’s urinal, which consisted of a trough running lengthways down the floor. You squatted over the trough, facing the back of the woman in front. For me, the challenging bit was the other women showing the universal curiosity about the color of other races’ genitalia, and trying to take a look at mine!

Then there was France, where the subway toilets were unisex. In the door, turn right to the urinals, turn left to the cubicles. Travel definitly broadens the mind.

Now I think the problem is diminishing, as so many newly built places have a larger unisex room with disability access and a parent change table for babies nappies. It works for everyone!
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Sep 2022
Aren't France's toilets on the sidewalks too?
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If necessary, just use whatever facilities are there. To the very best of my knowledge, it’s never an offense. And for pity’s sake, it’s not offensive either. It’s not like deliberate flashing.

I was at a remote area tourist fuel stop recently, needing the loo. I found a long queue out the door of the ladies, from a bus that had just pulled in. I went into the gents, and ducked into the closest cubicle. When I left the gents was empty, and I told the queue. Immediately the ‘out the door’ portion walked 4 steps into the gents. All it takes is a bit of courage and common sense.

Don't restrict the outing options for both of you, just toughen up a little bit.
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I would take my Husband into the Women's wash room and he used the handicap stall there.
If anyone came in I would announce that there was a male in the washroom and I was helping him.
Since all the stalls in Women's washroom are enclosed there was never a problem.
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You could enlist the help of an employee or bystander to stand at the door and inform others that you’re in there. If you have the chutzpah, carry a “restroom temporarily closed” sign and tape it to the door while you’re there. My dad’s caregiver used to go right in with him, but there were never any complaints from anyone.
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con3ill avatar
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con3ill Sep 2022
We did enlist a male friend at a public indoor bathroom site many years ago the last time we went to a very well-attended public outdoor concert. He did a great job of guarding everyone.
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Efforts to increase barrier free services are improving, and some surprising things have been happening to increase opportunities for people with extra needs.

I wonder if you could set up necessary arrangements before you arrived at the museum or historical site or concert venue that you were considering.

A call made in advance to the facilities of your choice could yield suggestions from them and also plant the seed that interested people would tell their friends about the wonderful experience they’d had because of the “great cooperation from such and such historical park or farm or whatever”.

I’m sure you know that ignorance of a need is sometime what perpetuates it.

It’s wonderful that his personality and enthusiasm survived his previous misfortune, and he sounds like an inspiration.

If you got on board with the idea of making some calls to a list of his enthusiasm I bet others would be excited for you to share.

Just give it a thought. You sound like a great couple!
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con3ill avatar
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con3ill Sep 2022
Guess that's our future now. Before the stroke we used to set out on road trips and went wherever our interest took us, and I mean REALLY uncharted places. Not anymore. But, we're still us.
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I would think that medical facilities might be at the top of the list for dual sex visitors. Hospitals would probably not be a good first choice unless they're very small and bathrooms are close to the entrance and exit.

I checked out all medical facilities we went to, and listed those with unisex bathrooms, then used those, and even still to this day plan trips around where bathrooms are easily accessible.

Most were in smaller buildings, so there wasn't much walking involved. It's easy in, easy out and the facilities were clean.
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My husband with Parkinson and mobility issues has the same problem. Except I go with him, mostly because door with his walker is hard to open, as he needs to hold to his walker. I have no problem with that whatsoever, I say I need to come with him for his safety, nobody ever objected, in fact often some strangers helped me.
It is about time for unisex bathrooms, like in most places Europe for example. What is a big deal about simple bodily functions?
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con3ill, what I do for myself if I plan to be out somewhere, I wear a pamper type item. Too many times one cannot even find a restroom, for me time is of the essence, I have seconds to spare.
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