Hi there,
My 89 year old mother passed away from heart failure in a long term care facility on Thursday. I am struggling terribly with a combination of guilt, sadness, and complete confusion of my emotions.
My mom made me hyper dependant on her as a child, alienating me from my half siblings and treating them very poorly. As I grew older and developed my own thoughts and ideas our relationship deteriorated. She tried to undermine my relationship with my children and went to the extreme of frequently making false complaints to children’s aid, her friends, and the police. I believe the intended result was to gain custody of my children. During this time I said some pretty horrible things to my mom and severed contact with her for several years. When we did reconcile, I still attempted to maintain my distance from her and had to discontinue contact from time to time. About 4 years ago she lied (again) about something that was not said to my daughter in an attempt to manipulate the relationship. I refused to communicate with her other than through text as a result of this to ensure I had a paper trail.
Fast forward to the last few years of her life. My mom began having some major health issues. She refused treatments and would not take her meds as prescribed. Because if my moms history of lying about health issues (to make me feel guilty) I dismissed some of her complaints as an attempt for attention. She did lose her vision and I continued to communicate via text so my words could be twisted.
My daughter and I worked very hard to get her into care as my daughter and son were not able to give her the required care and she was admitted in May. She continued to try to call and text me several times a day to get her out and to complain about abusive or neglectful treatment which I don’t believe as the home provides excellent care. My children live in the same city and visited her once every few days until she went into end of life care and I visited her once she progressed to this point. On my visit to her, I spent the time talking about faith in God, that it’s okay to pass when she is tired, about some of the things she enjoyed in the home. I said we need to put our differences behind us and when I left, I told her I love her very much and lied and said she was the best mother in the world. I said a prayer with her and I know this made her happy. That was one of the last days she was lucid enough to really communicate with me as she could no longer use her cell phone.
Here is my issue. I feel so much regret and guilt for not having visited her more often. I feel such guilt for not trying harder to get her the mental hep she desperately needed. We had jointly attended therapy but the therapist refused ti treat her after diagnosing her as narcissistic. Later in life I should have continued to push her to get help instead of just becoming angry with her manipulation. I should have been more sensitive to the fact she has severe mental health issues. How can I get past this guilt? Will I ever be able to move past these times during the day where I break down and cry? Is my self blame justified and now I need to find a way to move forward? Are there any free online resources that can help me through this?
You cannot push someone to doing what YOU want them to do, she was responsible for her own well-being you were not.
Self-imposed guilt serves no purpose as it just keeps one stuck.
She is gone, let it be, don't second guess everything, work through your grief, get therapy if necessary. Join a grief forum online or join a face to face one. Many churches have them.
Sorry to hear about your mother, but she is finally at peace.
You had a lovely eol moment, now leave the guilt at that bedside and get back on your own journey.
Grief is tricky, there can be a temptation to wallow in it. You have to learn to lean into it, feel it, and then step away. If you do join some free online resources, make sure you find one with members who are helping each other move on with their lives instead of savoring each other's grief. Good luck and take care.
I really like the way you addressed this.
you just gave a lot of good advice…
I’m going to try your suggestion.
As a survivor of a similar type of mother who passed 5 years ago and still struggles with some of this I am going to be more blunt .
Let yourself grieve for losing your mother and for the “ normal “ mother you never had .
Your mother was a narcissist . She most likely would never have gone for any therapy . They don’t think there is anything wrong with them. You could not make her better .
Do not punish yourself , you did the best you could . Stop the blaming yourself and second guessing. Stop the what ifs . Stop rehashing how your mother shaped your life or eventually you may ( as I did ) become very angry with yourself for letting your mother’s mental illness affect your life so much . Acknowledge the past was difficult and move forward . You can’t change the past .
There is no guilt here. You Mom was who she was and you protected yourself and your family from her.
Guilt, grief--such intertwined emotions and really, either is frustrating to experience. But still, you cared and so you feel like you could have done more.
Realistically? You could not have done more.
My DH is going through this right now. His mother has not passed, and altho she's in Hospice care in her home, she'd not going to die for a long time yet. We've spent this entire YEAR dealing with her, making her DH's TOP priority and if I say a word 'against' her, he blows up at me. The one person who has zero contact with her and the only one who sees the sickness of a Narc behavior relationship. Dh is depressed b/c his mother is so lonely, but she pushes people away at the drop of a hat. He actually said to me "If you were a better person, you could be involved in her care and be one more person to talk to her. She wouldn't be as lonely."
This is the woman who looked at me after a year of treating cancer and sighed with sadness because 'you didn't die'.
She is lonely. She is mean. She has no friends b/c she's hates everyone and everything. Some of that is dementia, but really? It's just how she is.
She doesn't want to see grandkids and most assuredly NOT great grands. She wants her own 3 kids to be with her at her convenience.
Even tho my DH has done everything and anything to make her 'happy' he has failed. When she does die, and someday she will---I know my DH is going to crash and burn.
His mom was a horrible mother. He has never come to terms with that in a healthy way.
Once she is gone, he is going to get counseling. I can't live with him if this emotional shell of a man is all that is left.
Narcs can do a number on the people they're supposed to love.
Please do reach out to someone for guidance and counseling. You sound like a woman of faith and I would encourage you to seek counseling through your church, if that is available and works for you.
Some days, for me, only the knowledge that we have eternity to work out relationships is all that keeps me from screaming. And I am simply a bystander in our situation.
((Hugs))
You may may have been groomed from a young age to accept that your mother’s problems are your problems. But they were not.
I am not a counsellor - just someone trying to come to terms with my narcissistic mother who is nearing the end of her life. I have always felt (or been made to feel guilty) about moving out, having a career, marrying, having kids of my own, having friends of my own, having interests other than her and making decisions without involving her.
I am learning to shed my unwarranted guilt.
You and I both have kids. Would you ever treat your kids the same way? No! In fact having kids of my own really opened my eyes to a lot of her damage. Right now I feel more anger than guilt. Why did she have to be that way, and make everything so difficult?
You tried. She didn’t want to change. And that was out of your control. You truly tried.
Thank you again Annabanana for your compassion and support
Your mother played mind games on you your entire life and guess what...she is doing it to you from her grave.
You can experience grief.
You can be grateful.
You can be glad
You can not be guilty.
Talk to your PCP and ask for a referral to a therapist. Your mental health is just as important as physical health.
By the way..if it makes you feel a bit better about the lie you told her about being the best mother in the world. Look at it this way she taught you how to be better than she was. You knew exactly what NOT to do when you raised your own. So you may have been thanking her for that.
My two sisters and I learned about our father’s death just before a rare family meeting, also attended by my now husband of 20 years. Our reaction was something like astonishment that so many years of problems were all over. We almost felt like the rug was pulled out from under our feet. As one of us said, “It’s hard to believe that there isn’t a bomb in the post”. My Tony had a great relationship with his own father, and he was flabbergasted at us. What it showed was that there are many different relationships, and many different reactions.
Let it go, and work out what you really feel in about 6 months. Just remember that you did what seemed right at the time. Have courage! Margaret
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