Looking for advice navigating family dynamics.

Yes.
They are angry and may have some justification. Your son was the "needy one" of your children and therefore your son got most of your care and attention.
That is normal. But it is also hurtful to other children who feel comparatively unloved and uncared for, and who often harbor a whole lot of anger.
They may have their own stories if they were writing to us, don't you think?
It might be a good exercise, in fact, to write us as though you were THEM.
What might they say? Might it be something like this?

"Dear AC. We are the two remaining children. Our brother was 'special needs' and got all of our parents attention. He died, tragically, but now our father is failing, and our mother needs our help. We feel resentful when we were the ones left out of things due to our brother's needs. She doesn't understand our anger. What should we do?"

I am just saying. There are two sides. You and hubby are not going to be able to depend on the children. This means the decisions now are yours as he fails. You will have to decide how long you can do the care, what you can afford in supportive care and respite, what you must save for your own ongoing life and care (an attorney visit for that one), when to place hubby, and if to do so.
I will caution you that you must expect nothing from your children. If they help you that's a bonus. But expect nothing. Form your own support group of friends. Pretend you had one child and that child is gone on before you.
That is your best hope of getting some help and some loving care.
Meanwhile, when with your remaining children begin to tell them you know all they missed out on because of your son's special needs; let them know you are sorry for that. And DO NOT ADD "but now I need you".

Best of luck and I am so sorry. But these are, I fear, some hard facts.

I see this so differently from other respondents.
I am sorry you are grieving the loss of one son, and watching your husband diminish.
You should not be looking to your other adult children to console you.
As they have reminded you, you still have two children who need a mom. And they, too are grieving. Not only are they grieving the loss of a brother, and seeing their father slipping away, but they are grieving the loss of a mother they don't feel they have. It's not their job to be the strong one for you to lean on.
If you simply can't muster the strength and motivation to be there for them right now because you, yourself are struggling, it's ok to let them know that. And apologize for not being the strong mother they want. And let them express their feelings and listen to them. It could be that not one of you has the emotional strength to be supportive of each other right now. But things change. Our sorrow and our hardships eventually lessen. The burden becomes something we can bear. Do your best to get through this time without expecting anyone else to pick up the slack. There may be moments when you are able to support one another, and other times when none of you has it in you.
Do your best to participate in their lives and celebrate their lives, while you all share your grief and pain losing a son, a brother, and a husband/father.
It is a difficult time. For all of you. Not everything has an easy and happy resolution.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I am just trying to understand a little better. Do your older children say you should be over the death of your younger son by now?

Or are they angry because you and your husband always spent more time on the youngest because of his autism?

How do they act about your husband’s increasing dementia? Is part of their anger about this? Like they wrongly think you caused it? Or they think you are not caring for him correctly?

I am just wondering if they are feeling left out and jealous in a way. Like “why doesn’t mom ask about ME? Why is she still so fixated on [son who passed away] and Dad?”

Do they live nearby? Do they have their own families? What kind of help does your husband need at this point?

I’m not saying the way they are behaving is right. Just trying to understand their perspective.

best wishes to you!

You are clearly having a very very difficult time, though it’s hard to understand without knowing ages. As your mother is now 94, the chances are that you are middle aged and your autistic son may have been a fair bit younger than your adult children. Your children feel that they have not just lost their brother, they have lost their mother too – because you are still so focussed on him and his death.

Can you talk to your adult children about plans for your husband as he ages and requires more care? 'His purpose isn't here anymore' should not be dominating his life or his ageing. Perhaps that is something in common between them and you, that could bring you closer together? It could provide you with some of the support that you need right now, if it works.

Venting on this site, and perhaps venting to a counselor, might be better than venting to your adult children. They are trying to move on with their own lives, two years after their brother’s death, and their empathy has worn out – which is very hard for you. Blaming them is not going to help at all. Finding common ground for the future might help with the two children you have left, if it’s at all possible.

Dear Mswenning,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son and the illness of your husband.
No parent ever expects to bury their child. It's a profound grief that runs deep. My husband's adult niece passed away, and his sister (her Mom) was broken. For several months, she actually wished to join her daughter in Heaven, and needed counseling. It was rough on her living son, who I don't think could understand.
I cannot fathom the extent of your sadness.
If your adult children do not yet have children of their own, they cannot understand your position. They are grieving not only their brother who passed, but an ill father and a mother who is still not able to be fully present for them.
Is family counseling an option? Could you possibly get your husband a caregiver for a few hours weekly while you and your kids see the counselor? I think it would help. There has been so much upheaval in your family.
I wish you all well.

What I hear is that you are overwhelmed and exhausted, too.
Do vent here. You need a place to go to get out however you are feeling.

I do not understand the ages of the children/young adults (?) and your husband with dementia. If you husband much older than the 'kids'. If you kids are adults, I would handle this differently than if they are young, which may be obvious.
I wonder how old your husband is.

In terms of you getting support you need, I would recommend you:
* get a caregiver in to help with caring for your husband.
* establish / find / get into a support group locally (church, Next Door, Meet Up) to get the support you need.
* Contact a local dementia organization / association and let them know you need support / someone to talk to.
* Realize (from experience) that getting angry with your family will not provide the support you want / need. It adds fuel to the already fire. You have to get that support elsewhere.
* Do not walk on eggshells 'either'. Be yourself. Learn to be self-compassionate and other-compassionate. (I've spent the last 40 years focusing on b-e-i-n-g compassionate and it is an ongoing practice, although much is automatic now.
* Learn that you 'can' express how you feel without being angry. If you do not know how to do that, perhaps get into therapy to figure it out, practice, etc. And / or role play with a friend.
* Anger can be healthy and it can be released in healthy ways. You do not just want to 'blurt' some words out without being mindful of what you feel and what you want to say. If you are so overwhelmed and angry and hurt, then I would highly recommend you 'share' your feelings in a 'safe' place (therapy office, with a friend, supporter from elsewhere) - not your 'kids' (who may be older - adults).

Realize that you need and deserve support.
You do not elaborate on why the attorney is 'no help' yet.

You say your husband dementia progressed due to his purpose not being here any longer. From saying this, I tend to believe or assess that you do not understand how the brain works when a person is inflicted with dementia (although I know you have direct experience). Perhaps I am taking you too literally. His dementia could have progressed due to the progression of it - having nothing to do with losing a child or going through a grief experience. I do not even know if / how your husband comprehends the loss of a child / adult child with dementia as you don't share this w us. Did he have the mental / cognitive abilities to understand that your son died when he did?

You have a lot going on.
Take a very deep breath.
Practice meditation - even 5 minutes a day (google Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and if you can, get in his Wed night 5:45pm Zoom meditation class. It will help you. Once you sign up, you can watch the Zoom meetings anytime.

Do come here to vent and realize you'll get a diverse variety of responses. Take what works and leave the rest. You need to do what will help you.

If you can afford it, perhaps get your kids (?) in therapy too. They need to be able to get their feelings and frustrations out - in a safe place - 'too.'

Be honest with them while protecting yourself. Even telling them you love them and giving them a hug will speak volumes. The words are secondary.

Gena / Touch Matters

You are all grieving loss - loss of son/brother and continuing loss of husband/father. You need to get the support and counselling to cope with these losses for yourself. Your living children are not going to be a source of emotional support for you while they process their own grief. Lean on other family member, friends, members of your faith community, caregiver support groups as you negotiate through your own loss. I would suggest checking out grief support group like GriefShare that help those dealing with loss of a loved one. Many of these groups meet in churches - since they can have space for meeting for free.
Most people go through 5 stages of grief - according to Dr. Kubler-Ross. You may recognize these stages in yourself and in your children as you all process your losses.
Stage 1 - Denial - the feelings, thoughts and actions that the loss isn't real or difficult to grasp as a reality.
Stage 2 - Anger - the feelings, thoughts, and actions that the loss isn't fair or that somebody is to blame.
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the feelings, thoughts, and actions that attempt to restore the way life used to be before the loss. The actions are not effective.
Stage 4 - Depression - the feelings, thoughts and actions of sadness and/or depression when the finality of loss becomes more of a reality.
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the feelings, thoughts, and actions of finding peace and moving forward in life despite the loss.
Seems like your children are in the anger stage. You do not have to like it or be their "emotional punching bag," but realizing that this is a stage of grief may help you cope.

I am sorry for your loss.

It seems your adult children are still focused on their past hurts and not the current situation.
There are support groups called Sibs network for siblings of those with Autism and other diseases, disabilities, and chronic illnesses. Perhaps you could suggest it to them? https://www.sibsnetwork.org/

There's also a great book for parents of estranged adult children that I recommend for you.
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict https://g.co/kgs/f3dnLsy

Look into your local area on Aging
for support groups for spouses & dementia/ Alzheimer's disease. If you can’t attend in person, they often have virtual or phone-in meetings.

Bless you.

I'm so sorry for the tragedy you have suffered. Your adult kids should be ashamed of themselves. It's only been 2 years since your son's death, which is not that long to get over your grief so quick. My husband died 22 years ago and I still think about him every day and will never totally get over it.

Now your husband is declining and you are caregiving him and have more stress than your 2 selfish adult kids have, who are way out of line. You didn't cause your child to die, you didn't cause your husband to have dementia. They make no sense getting mad, instead of giving you some emotional support.

I can't even think of what I would say to those 2 horrible kids. I'm sure others here will have good answers. Meanwhile, avoid them and take care of yourself. If something happens to you, everyone else is screwed. Maybe talk to your doctor, or a grief counselor. Someone needs to be watching out for YOU.

Dear Mswenning,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son and for the loss of your partnership. You must be feeling very lonely.

I don't have a similar background, but I can relate to your present experience with your children. I think you are making a similar mistake to mine: thinking that my view of motherhood would coincide with my daughter's view of childhood. We weren't on the same page at all.

My close relationship with my daughter noticeably changed after she moved out to go to university.

A few years ago, we had a difficult conversation when my daughter explained her distance. It seems I fell short of the good mother I tried to be. To my mind, the bad times were only a few moments over many years during which I always put her first.

But that doesn't matter. Those few incidents have darkened my daughter's memories of a time that I remember as the happiest of my life. I can't change how she perceives her childhood or me. Her feelings are real and deserve respect.

My heart was broken, but my daughter means everything to me, so I have swallowed the hurt and worked to build up our relationship. It isn't where I would like it, it's nowhere as warm, but it is strong.
I won't get a hug from her, but if I need someone sensible, my daughter is the one I call.

What's your relationship like with your children? Do you only call them to complain about your difficult life? How often do you call to simply ask how they are? Not a rhetorical question, but really mean it.

Have you ever acknowledged how difficult it was for them to deal with a younger brother who suddenly took all his parents' attention? Or whose death has continued to make him seem more important than those left alive?

I'm not saying that he is more important, but that it could feel that way to them. I would suggest it does from the comments about you still having 2 children. The fact that he needed more attention isn't a defence to fall back on; their feelings need to be acknowledged.

Or perhaps your children don't feel that their grief has been recognised and understood. Again, no excuses, - express your sadness for what they have been through. It isn't just you losing members of your family.

Basically, you need to communicate more effectively and have these difficult conversations. But, please, take a leaf out of my book - if they complain that you have forgotten you have 2 other children, don't get defensive and don't deny it.
Tell them you're sorry you made them feel that way because you do love them and you never would intentionally hurt them. Ask them what they would like to happen in the future. What does their loving relationship with you look like?

Remember, your children's feelings are valid, even if you don't share their perspective on the past.

Your feelings are valid, too. My advice is to look elsewhere to offload them - a friend, a sibling, a counsellor. Your children aren't any of those things.

Some people are saying, as I often do, that they're adults and need to grow up etc. However, I know how difficult it can be in a family with a special needs sibling who needs care into adulthood.
Not just that - all families are different and there are various personalities and experiences that need to be navigated.

If you want your family to become closer and more supportive, you need to communicate. You will also need to be vulnerable and open.

If this sounds like I'm blaming you, I'm not.
I'm giving you the benefit of my experience and how I dealt with my child viewing me in a very different way to how I saw myself as her mother. That was my whole identity - only now do I see that's not healthy nor practical.