Today my mother called me at 5am and said, "I think I need to go to the Emergency Room." So I scrambled up and started to get ready. I called her back and asked what was going on.
"Well, I don't really know but I think I better go to the emergency room." She wouldn't tell me specifics, was very vague, so I said, "well why don't you take a minute and see how you feel and think about it." I don't dismiss these things but she was just kind of wellll...you knowwww I think I just better goooooo.
She was an absolute monster to me yesterday, cussing screaming, lashing out. What a wonderful Christmas. So I made her stay home. She lives independently and I wish she didn't but horse to water, you know.
"Mom if you need to go let's try urgent care and see what's going on." Well that started world war three. So she called 911. Fine. Let them tell her what to do.
I get over there and the EMTs are talking to her and doing vitals. She's fine, she can't tell them what's bothering her either. "How about you call your doctor and see if they can't see you today." Boy did that make her mad. She agreed and they left and I lit into her about that someone somewhere is waiting for an ambulance they need.
So we have an appointment today at the doctor. Unfortunately (for her) it's a video call.
My mom has the beginning of vascular dementia and is otherwise oriented but her mood swings are relentless. I do not take crap. She lambasted me yesterday, curse words, You this and You that, so I said have a merry christmas and hung up. Phone rang about 10 times after that, into the abyss. Family and I had a nice day without the cursing grandma doll, as I call her.
I know when it's an emergency and I know when it's not, and I wasn't not going to act on it, but boy is she upset and disappointed there's no ER visit and worse yet, no admission to the hospital. So far today she's gone on about her day - laundry, made herself lunch, the whole thing.
I've spent a good portion of my almost 63 years trying to stay out of the hospital, why would anybody want 'in'. I'm guessing in this case I know the answer.
Mom gets like this around Christmas even though we are all around and visit constantly. I'm not naive to think that she's all there, but let's just say that the doctor said some of her issues she's complaining about are related to the misuse of alcohol over the years. She didn't want to believe it, but believe it. This may explain why her dementia exacerbates her rage and narcissism. She was like that before the brain broke. Now of course as we know it's tenfold.
And she apologized for cursing and swearing at me and ruining Christmas. "I was just really upset about the holiday," even though the kids grandkids nieces nephews and friends all gathered at my house hoping to see her, as she was the invitee. She threw a pity party, and wanted everyone to come to HER. We'd have to schlep all the food plates and party whatnots in the snow to her house. "You should have just known that's what I wanted." Yeah, no. But at least I got an apology. Rare for many of us, right?
Her brain can be broken, but her mouth works really well. As does mine. I'm increasing the caregiving ladies days and hours, and she liked that idea. As for why she wanted to go to the ER after she calmed down and talked to the doctor, she sheepishly looked at me and said, "I just thought I'd be seen quicker for my arthritis pain." That is not what the ER is for unless you've gone beyond the pain scale. Turns out she was out of Tylenol (that's all she can take). So we had a discussion about emergencies.
My brother called her up and chewed her out for pulling the martyr card at Christmas. "I know. I'm sorry. I just wanted you all to come here instead of me over there." Yes, all 27 of us in your double-wide. Knock it right off its springs.
Happy new year all. Better days ahead.
Good to know.
Add 'check pain tablet supply' before the next ER trip..?
Least you got an apology I guess 🙄
Her neuropsych team told her, and us frankly that she could no longer live alone; she needed staff around 24/7 so that THEY could determine what was an emergency.
My brother, until he saw the MRI that showed her damaged brain, was convinced mom was just having a "pity party".
When your mom was dxed with Vascular Dementia, what recommendations were made for care?
We did not give mom a choice. We told her that we could no longer respond to o emergencies and that she needed to live somewhere where there was staff on call day and night
Have you considered AL with a step up to MC?
My mother is in AL and loves it, new friends, her age which is very important, she is no longer isolated, many activities, music, bus trips and more.
She no longer has to cook or clean! Works for her and us!
Cardiac event? Strange heart rythym, low oxygen?
Feel 'wrong' but unable to say how.
Could you keep an eye & ear out for this again? Discuss it with her Primary Doctor.
If you were wanting an 'excuse' to move her out of living alone & into a supervised setting - this could be it!
Someone with a broken brain often cannot help what they say or do, and by you not understanding that, it only makes things worse.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias, with a life expectancy of just 5 years, so guaranteed things will continue to go down hill fast.
The time may be here where it's not best that she lives by herself anymore if she's experiencing these times of confusion and not sure what's going on and why she's needing to go to the ER.
This has nothing to do with "Loneliness and ER visits" but more with her progressing dementia.
I hope and pray that as you learn more about this horrible disease that you'll gain great wisdom and discernment regarding your mother, and do what is best for her.
Sympathy really can be misplaced, and a genuine medical issue doesn't exclude deliberate bad behavior.
My mom was like that. It never gets better. Your mother would be better off in a facility where she’d get plenty of attention and you could try for a normal life.
You are enabling some of this by your response to her. You are taking her to ER, taking her to Urgent Care and taking her to the doctor. This a matter of "loneliness". This is dementia, and feeling unsafe and angry and confused. It isn't going to stop and it is going to get worse.
Yes, let her call 911 from now on. If she has an advance directive it needs posting in her home as far as a POLST goes.
You are looking at placement now. Sorry. Isn't going to make the new year a whole lot of fun and I surely do wish you good luck. WIthout a diagnosis and POA you aren't going to be able to force this issue and your Mom may die at home. That may also be her wish, in all truth.