I am caring for my 90 some year old father in my home for the past 9 months. He has quietly changed the mood and peace in our home.
He is an intelligent and successful person who has always been financially stable. He is warm and engaging with strangers. In reality he is a lonely, manipulative, individual with lack of empathy towards others.
I have just told him that it would be best if he were to move into an assisted/indedpendent living situation and that did not go over too well.

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Even though my Dad would have been easy to take of, easy going, sense of humor, etc. While my parents were still living in their house, I had planted the seed about senior living... places are more like resorts.... they would be around people closer to their own generation [my parents were in their 90's]... housekeeping services, linen service, meals in a restaurant style dining room menu style, activities, etc.

Well, my Mom wanted no part of that. Two weeks after she had passed, Dad called me, he wanted packing boxes as he was ready to move to senior living. Once there, he loved it. He said he wished he could have convinced Mom to move there years ago.

Dad did enjoy being around people his own age... so much more in common to talk about. And all those new ears to hear his stories !!!! So start planting those seeds.
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Hugs to you Travsol. I remember struggling with the decision to find a facility for Dad, but in the end I realized that I needed to live for ME.

A therapist helped me when she suggested I write my own eulogy... Here lies _______ spent many years caring for unappreciative family member and died from stress related complications...


Here lies Parent who lived a full life of (insert number here) years before becoming ill and living off the sacrifices of their doting child while NEVER saying thank you

Grim picture, huh?

Yes, our parents (hopefully) provided and cared for us the best way they could, but that in no way translates into give your life away or challenge your marriage for their sake when they get older and ill.

Besides, the facilities are often better equipped to handle their needs and transitioning to a facility is a safer alternative.

LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! YOU DESERVE IT!!! Dad has lived his and you are making a compassionate choice by placing him in a facility.

He may kick and scream at first (my Dad sure did), but it WILL get easier!!
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Dear Travsol,

Sorry to hear about what is happening. I know we all want to do right by our parents. Its a tough situation. I can't even imagine getting into my 90s at this point.

I have to agree with the others. Its better to recognize things are not working out now then to wait for more anger and resentment to build up. Start looking for places now and take your dad with you. He might even thrive in this new environment. He will have more people to interact with.

Its always a tough decision. I know I struggled with this decision. And there were arguments in my family. My dad never wanted to go into a nursing home. In the end he passed away in hospital before that happened. It still breaks my heart because my dad was not the same person after the stroke. I tried to do everything I can but it got to be too much.
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I agree with Barbs tip about preparing a script ahead of time. When I needed to have these tough conversations I would also go over in my head every possible comeback that my mother could say. Of course once the dementia hit cruising altitude my well thought out answered were useless as there's no reasoning with dementia.

Still - get your script together and stick to it even if it means repeating the same thing over and over. You must do what you know to be best for everyone involved - including you.

How do you stay resilient?  You just do. You keep in mind your own home, the people who live there with you and YOU - matter. 
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I think you'll find your emotional resilience comes bounding back once your father is out of your home and comfortably accommodated elsewhere. Grit your teeth and do it.
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"Dad, this isn't working out. We will help you find another living arrangement if you would like some assistance doing that, but you need to be living elsewhere by May 1st. No, there is no way that we can continue this arrangement. It's not good for our marriage. This is our home, we're adults and we get to say who lives here." Something like that. I find, when I'm going to have a difficult conversation that it often helps to have a bit of a script and some pre-thought out responses on hand.
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Travsol, you are taking the right approach. I don't know why Dad moved in with you in the first place, but it is time for him to move out. You need to be firm about this. Don't suggest it would be best. Announce that you and your spouse have made a decision. He will need to be out by the end of April (or whatever is reasonable in your housing market.)

Since you grew up with a manipulative father with no real empathy, it may be very difficult to stand up to him. No doubt your parents installed lots of guilt buttons and Dad knows how to press every one of them! You may need some support to get through this. Consider a short period of counseling if you need it. But get this man out of your home.
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