Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings into something positive?

It is good of you to make sure your parents are cared for, but when you used the word "caregiving," I thought you were going to discuss the stress and exhaustion of hands-on caregiving. Your situation seems to be more a matter of time and attention to making sure your parents are being looked after. If your parents' resources are covering their expenses, that is a plus.
Does your brother's POA status permit him to interfere with whatever choices you are making? If he cannot interfere and if your parents money is paying the costs, then leave your brother out of your thinking. Focus on how well your parents are being taken care of and how efficiently you are handing their affairs, just as you would be doing if you were an only child. If/when our parents and legal matters and paperwork need to be taken care of, accept the help of the bankers and brokers and professional people who know how things need to be done. most of the professionals are enormously patient and helpful. They are used to people being distressed and overwhelmed while they are not and they can handle legalities systematically.

While our family dynamics are not exactly the same, I feel a lot of the same tensions.

My mom is 92 and in an assisted living facility. I have two siblings and many nieces and nephews. I visit mom really regularly, and sometimes really regularly is too much. My husband and I spent many hours with mom at Christmas. My one bro visited for a very brief time period. Of all of our 18 family members, it was just 3 of us that spent time with mom for the holiday.

Whenever the AL contacted me about mom because she was sick and in need of going to the hospital, the first call I make is to my one brother. The other brother and his wife are useless so we don't speak (AT ALL). No crying here.

So, two weeks ago, I missed the call from AL, so they contacted my one brother who never, ever contacted me. I got a call from the hospital the next morning saying mom was in the hospital. WHAT?

I immediately sent a text to my brother explaining the situation as I knew it. Then I called the AL wondering why I wasn't informed about mom's hospital transfer. I was told that they called my brother. OMG. WHAT? Then I CALLED my brother and read him a very subdued riot act. (I amazed my self with how subdued my riot act was.) He said he didn't feel it was necessary to call me because the ER said mom would be going back to the AL shortly. However, he called my useless brother who has seen mom 3-4 times in a year. My brother did not even go to the ER to see mom (which I most definitely would have).

My first reaction about my brother getting the call and not contacting me was that I would not contact him in the future if I get calls. However, that is not in my nature. He will be called, but not necessarily the first call I make.

Make sure you take care of you. If you have control of their money, be sure to "pay yourself" for services you have rendered.

The only thing that truly helped me is when I finally let go of my resentment. I realized it was only hurting me with obsessive, ingrained anger while he went on unknowingly with his own self absorbed life. When you think about Karma, remember this - she will repay YOU for all you have done for your parents. Keep on being caring and kind - Karma has already given you that gift from them.

You did right by your parents. I am sorry you feel anger at not receiving help from your brother. Don't allow the negative feelings to infect your life.
I have been disowned by my only older sibling. I did all the caretaking while she lived her life in other states. Both parents now deceased. Her response when I told her I did not want her to come live with me - "You have always been jealous of me. You are a hypocrite." She has huge debt, she ran off to Algeria to get married to an Algerian half her age, now she lives alone in California in debt. I did offer her to come join me and then I realized my house is way too small for the both of us. A bungalow - Only 1 bedroom. 720 square feet. I started having really bad anxiety attacks. So I told her not to come. That quote fom her to date is my last contact with her. It breaks my heart but being 73 years old I finally learned no matter how you try to keep family members happy in the long run you must do what is right for you. I feel no anger towards her. I just feel sad that us both being in our seventies she is throwing temper tantrums like a small child. Her problem. I had to sell my mother's and my home of 48 years to pay my mother's debts, funeral, probate fees. I went through probate of my mother's estate with no help from my sister. Yet I am the "bad guy". Go figure. How she reacts toward me is her problem. Quite frankly no contact is a relief. The being on edge trying to walk a titerope to keep peace with her is gone.
I wish you well in your journey as caregiver. Do what you must and ignore the negative people. A lesson I learned the hard way late in life.

My youngest brother is quite a piece of work and is now in the process of trying to scam my father out of his estate. My aunt , who is actually closer in age to me than my father, observed all this and is reaching out to me with her advice and observations.

This nightmare has brought my aunt and I closer. This is my "positive outcome".

Same boat here. And in my case my sibling lives close while I live far away. I still do everything. I am POA and trustee of a good sized estate that I will manage at some point and up till this I always felt that everything should be divided 50/50 when the time came. I am reevaluating that. So I put my anger into more of an “okay, just wait and see what you not stepping up will get you” place. You don’t help now you won’t get any help yourself later place if you will. They will get what my parent provided for them, and nothing more. And there is a lot more.

Sigh - I am reading how familiar this issue is to so many of us, and while I hope there is something positive from this, I feel as though there will be even less contact with a couple of my sibling when my parents' chapters are closed. Just an example: after a visit to my folks during which I set up their medical alert system, one sister called the other to ask why I was trying to get all the attention... we are damned for some folks no matter what. Karma was the best way to sign your question.
I appreciate the folks in this forum. Be strong.

You are correct in this being a familiar story. My brother and I didn't speak for 3 years. I finally decided that the anger was eating me alive and of no help to the situation. My brother and I speak and do see each other on holidays, but I will never forgive him for not helping take care of mom. I will never forgive him for the stress that all of this caused my marriage. I will never forgive him for thinking that his time is more valuable than mine. It is what it is and there may come a day when he needs someone to take care of him and maybe no one will choose to help him and he will reflect on this. But he is so full of himself, I doubt it. LOL

You just have to take the high road. That is really my only advice. You can't change anyone. I consider my brother a "casual when he feels like it" visitor to mom. Once I removed his relevance and importance in my head, it made things easier for me. When he made the decision not to help his own mother, he mattered less to me....that's really the only way I can explain it.

He doesn't matter. You matter and your mom matters. Put your energy there.

Sending hugs your way!

This is such a common story, I feel for you, and can relate!
After several years of caring for his parents at their home with little or no help from his out of town siblings, my husband & I came to the conclusion that when his brothers do visit (rarely), it is solely to visit his parents and not to offer to help US in any way. They could call ahead of time to see if we need anything or if there is something they can do, but they do not. That's just the way it is.
They know very well what it is that we do for their care and they are not interested in participating or helping out, for whatever reason. IMO, they are not going to change, and that's fine. We have moved beyond being angry or resentful. Best of luck to you!

I am so lucky that I have one sibling and we work together very well in taking care of my parents. But my spouse's family on the other hand is a different story. His brother sounds like yours. And unfortunately in our case they are co-power of attorney - needing to act together. My spouse just tries to work around him as best we can, but it's hard. I think what stymies me most is how much my spouse's brother is missing. My husband and I have a very strong relationship with his ailing mom that really blesses our life. I've been practicing mindfulness for several years. The loving kindness meditations help some with the situation with my BIL. It's easier for me to deal with the difficult situation with my BIL because it's not my sibling. Truthfully, I'd be so hurt and angry if it were my own sibling treating my parents (and me) that way. I'm sorry that's happening to you and I wish I knew the magic answer to help. I just don't get people sometimes. I just could never ever just write my parents off like that.

One thing that has helped my spouse and I some is that we send BIL occasional updates that just list things we've done over the past month; for example a list of visits/calls we've made on mom's behalf, summary of chores we've done for her, etc. Not bragging, just a factual summary of what's been done on Mom's behalf. We act like he'd like to be kept informed and try to keep it somewhat friendly and not judgmental or passive aggressive (which is tricky I have to admit.) Maybe this doesn't make any impact on the BIL but it helps us feel that at least we are keeping him informed of what we've been been doing for his mom. He can't plead ignorance at least. Best of luck to you. Just know you are not alone.

I gave up expecting my brother to have the same level of caring that I do. I just do what is best for mom and maintain hope for my future. Good Luck.

Yes. but this happened before my late father passed on. I was the only female and 10 years younger than my older brother, which posed a problem right off. He seemed to take the attitude towards me my younger brother and me that we weren't good enough in some way to be his equal - never said it, you just KNEW. I kept trying on my part, never closing that door, but not expecting too much. The other brother tried a few times, then told me he gave up and they never were close, even though eventually, the older one really wanted that relationship. Anyway, one day I got a call from the older one (he lived 4 hours from us) that he'd had a near fatal heart attack, etc. and how was I doing??? We had a nice long talk, and at the end of it, I said you may get mad but I'm going to say it anyway. What happened to the attitude? He told me he'd gone to therapy, because his friends had also noticed this and had called him on it, which I never thought to do, partly because my sister in law was always there, I couldn't talk to him alone, and she seemed to support this superiority business. Anyway, the barrier was broken, and from then on until he died, we had a better and better relationship, despite my sister in law. She was the kind that was always listening but didn't say much - seemed afraid his affection could only be fore her and the kids or they were being cheated, I guess. Anyway, don't count on it, keep your "doors" open, and be ready to forgive - a lot! You never know - but remember, it takes two. You cannot straighten him out alone. God bless and best of luck.

Hellokarma, I'm still reading. Anger can often be very useful. It can help propel us to change something. I don't know if it just evaporates.

Did I read you & brother are both POA? Like co-POA?

Is that in effect? As in, your folks needs a POA to arrange services & pay bills?

But being joint POAs just doesn't work from your end?

Do you & your brother agree on their future care plan at all?

I've met many families where one wants to 'keep them at home' as per their wishes but another doesn't agree. Thinks it's time to downsize/move into AL. Is it like that at all?

Or maybe your brother is happy to call every 6 months & that's it. That is his boundary right there. He doesn't live there & just won't do elder care.

I stopped engaging with toxic people and joined the buy nothing group on Facebook. I’ve been able to do little things (like give someone a sling for an injured shoulder and collect bottle caps for a Girl Scout troupe) and received a lot of gratitude from strangers. In turn, they given me a lot that I’ve sent to Afghanistan refugees.

Hello Karma, Yes. I have succeeded in turning my anger into something positive.

First, I don’t spend any time with people I don’t like. That includes thinking about them.

Second, I’m way too busy spending time with people I do like.

Third, I noticed that all the stress, toxicity, from my siblings (we are 6), hurt me physically. I started losing a lot of hair from the stress (it has grown back). Bad people will make you physically ill. The moment I realized they don’t care at all about me, was the same moment I gained my freedom. I’m free. Before, I was connected with dangerous, false, harmful “friends” (aka bad siblings).

Try Again

Yeah. I cut contact. One of the best things I did in my life.

I'm sending warm and healing thoughts to everyone!!!

Let me see if I can answer my own questions.

1. The closest I have gotten to Karma's mobile number is from wearynow's answer: 1-800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE.

2. Have I succeeded in transforming my anger into something positive? Since I posted my question, I followed Grandma1954 (1st reply to my post). Forget Karma. Anger is a waste of energy.

I'm working on a memoir (AlvaDeer's idea).
Provisional working title: The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility
Realistic Title: %/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!

And I feel more liberated. Yesterday, I radically cut even more, contact with my brother. (He did more awful things, yesterday/today). I see even more clearly his character.

I will endeavour to turn these negative experiences into something positive. Currently breathing in, breathing out.

Hello Karma

"The most precious thing you can give, is your time.

It’ll never come back.
The years, months, you helped. No money can make up for that. No money ought to make up for that.

I totally understand people who get paid.

As I said, this is just about me."

Yes, you already said that. For me, money did make up for time spent with my mother. I don't think you feel emotionally abused by your mother the way I did by mine. I wonder how you would have felt if you were?

It is unfortunate but I think your anger is misplaced. Your siblings are under no obligation to inconvenience their life for another, even if that person is family. I am willing to bet your brother most likely does not lose much sleep over their choice.

In short just let it go, live your life and let your siblings live theirs. I feel that is how you turn it into a positive.

You should be relieved they refuse to help! Otherwise you'd not only be dealing with parents, which is quite a chore, but siblings as well. You've also got to remember that not everyone is a caregiver. They don't have the knowhow or the patience. Stop choosing to be angry. It's a waste of time and energy. Look for the positives. You could choose to block your siblings#. You don't need a reminder of your anger. Simply don't answer the door if they show up.

"I am wealthy too.

I will never accept money from my parents for helping them. This is not my job. I do it because I love them. I don’t want to get paid."

And I loved my mother, too. But her dementia and lack of filters made her very demanding and unkind towards me. THAT is what made it so difficult for me. I knew NOTHING. I was STUPID in her eyes. She made it very clear that MY time was worthless. One of my brothers helped as he could, but he was states away. The other two? Not much. One especially did nothing, at one point not even visiting my parents for nearly 5 years (he lived just a few states away!). Yet in her final years THIS son became her favorite. He told me once that although my mother had said she would never want to live with me, that she indeed DID expect me to move in with her (?). And then when the MD at the NH suggested we put my mother on comfort care, this was the brother who wanted her to see another MD to get a second opinion. I just about lost it then; told him I wouldn't be doing that and that if he thought that was necessary, he'd be doing it.

Now interestingly, another brother was retired (as was his wife), yet they rarely came down to see my mother. The excuse was always that one or the other of their fully grown sons (usually the younger one) needed something done by them. And then when the idea was brought up about my being paid, this brother's wife sniffed that SHE would never accept pay for taking care of HER mother. To my brother's credit, he simply snapped at her, "YOUR mother is nothing like OUR mother!" LOL

"He also did, and does, harmful actions.
It’s not just that he refrains from helping."

Can you give an example?

When people say that the non-involved sibling will be bothered by their conscience when the elders die, I just don't think that happens in many cases. And it's really just a way to continue justifying (and enabling) non-help from the sibling/siblings.

You say your brother is wealthy. Are you? Would some money make you feel better about something that's not going to change? Maybe your parents could change their will to give you more than a 50/50 split (assuming that it was it is) of their estate? Or pay you for your time now? Of course if they pay you now, meticulous records must be kept if they will eventually be eligible for Medicaid.

I got one of the POA brothers to pay me for my time involved with our mother, $20/hour (no hands-on caregiving; I did not live with her or vice-versa). She would never become Medicaid-eligible, so she (unknowingly; when I asked one time she hissed at me that, "you don't pay family!") gifted me the money (no taxes taken out) for what I did.

When I considered my involvement as a job, it became much easier to handle emotionally.

I have come to realize that my anger towards siblings is actually a far greater burden than being the sole caregiver to an aging parent with dementia and other health issues. That said...I have not yet been successful at overcoming my anger, but I have lowered my expectations so that I'm less disappointed. They do literally nothing (I live with the parent so I expect to do most of it).

These days I'm grieving the loss of a parent who is still living, siblings who aren't who I thought they were, "family" as I knew it which simply does not exist, my freedom/identity, 5 years of my life and counting, my own mental health because it's hanging on by a thread even tho I've never had mental health issues before...and various other losses which would probably sound trivial but they add up.

One sibling enjoys their retirement. The other is semi-retired, travels and has an active/full life. I work full time (remotely) and I would give anything for a break. But my LO is not ready for outside help (refuses), and my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me.

I try not to dwell on the anger. But it's always there. More painful is the sadness. When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little. And your LO loses out.

Working on all of it.
One.Day.At.A.Time.

HelloKarma,

I could have written your question (just not with such wit). Perhaps my response will make me sound like a small person and I'm OK with that.

I took care of my in-laws for a decade. During that time my BIL was happy to take help from his parents (money, babysitting, etc) but did very little in return. When asked for help, he either said he would and then didn't show up or just refused in the first place. When one of his parents needed to go to the ER, we would text him. His reply was simply, "OK."

It was so incredibly frustrating because my hubby and I (mostly me) picked up the slack.

Fast forward to the week my FIL died - he was in the hospital/sent to hospice for close to a week. My kids and I were with him on day 4 when BIL called. FIL fussed at his son to come see him soon and hung up on him. My kids and I had a wonderful visit with him asking him questions and reminiscing. Our last words were, "I love you."

My FIL passed away the next morning. BIL never made the time to see him while he was conscious even though he knew that time was short. I don't care that BIL cheated himself but it does bother me that his daughter didn't get to say goodbye to her grandfather.

Karma, for me, is the peace that I have in my memories of them and how I cared for my in-laws.

That, and the fact that my BIL's only child has decided to make a career of being in the military and won't be around to help him as he ages.

I hope that you will have no regrets and that is the best form of Karma.

As my daughter has told me Karma is for your next life. If you have done something awful in this life you will pay for it in the next.

This life...its what goes around comes around. Meaning, your brother will pay before he dies. Ex: he will be very sick later on in life and come looking to you to are for him. That's when u say, sorry but you did not help our parents in any way leaving it all up to me. I did my caring you will need to find another option.

I was the oldest of 4 and a girl. My sister passed so the two youngest, boys are left. My Mom was a good Mom. Dad had his times but his family came first. If it was not for one of my SILs my parents would not have heard from that brother. The other lives 8 hrs away but rarely called and visited maybe 1x a year. There were times my parents got no cards for birthdays or holidays. No gifts. Just before my Dad died he said he appreciated that I always thought of them. Now I am not saying its the SILs job to make sure in-laws get cards and gifts but when she did finally give my parents Christmas presents it was Easter. And never anything Mom would wear or use. I recommended money because Mom and I would go shopping and get her new clothes. No, even when she became a widow and could have used the money. I was POA and caregiver. One SILs parents died so she never had to care for them. The other did care for her Mom who lived in IL.

I refuse to be mad. I refuse to feel guilty or regret for anything I said or should have done differently for my parents because...I was the one who was there. There for every hospital/rehab visit. Who cared for Mom in my home and later when she was in an AL and then NH. No I wasn't doing the physical caring once she was in AL and a NH but I still had all the worries and the one who visited. And the one the AL aide called at 6am in the morning to tell me Mom fell out of bed. I was also the one who watched her grow old and frail. My brothers couldn't see her that way.

My youngest brother has not called me since Mom died in 2017. Hasn't called my other brother either and they were closer in age. He lives not 30 min away. Again, I refuse to be mad. It only effects you it doesn't effect them. So, let it go. In the end your the one who did for your parents and you can feel good about yourself for that. If your parents are of sound mind, they can revoke brothers POA or move him to secondary if something happens to you.

Out of the blue, Karma called ME.

Turns out, although I don’t have Karma’s number (caller ID withheld), Karma has my number.

Well, well, well…

We had a long conversation.

Karma says:

You received great advice from many loving & kind people on this forum.

Karma says:

Get going with your memoir. AlvaDeer had a great idea. And you already know which pictures to put in the back.

Karma, does he work for a living? Is he a productive member of society?

What are you angry?

I think you want someone to share the burden.

Yes it's your folks, they raised you, you love them. But it's still a burden.

My *guess* is you are angry as you feel your brother should share this burden with you.

Again I have no idea what your brother thinks. But I know siblings are separate people, separate strengths, separate skills, separate things that drives them. Some have a strong competitive streak they hold into adulthood.

My SIL strives to be the one who is the best carer. Has even said so. My DH will never challenge & try to take this crown from her. She wanted it. She has it.

Maybe just accept you are the best caregiver.

Look elsewhere to share your burden if your brother is not the one. Don't be caught in the 'only family can help' rut.

Simple answer, NO! It would be a waste of energy and I would need to always be ready for sib's failures leading to my frustration and hurt and disappointment.

Are you paying for their home care with their money as their POA? From your question it sounds like you are paying for their care with your money.

Do your parent's ever call your brother for help?

Or did they groom YOU to be the caregiver?

My mom and dad did equal caregiving duties for my grandmother (on mom's side) and dad's parents, childless aunt and uncle and in-name-only-aunt friend of pgm.

They BOTH did the driving around, arranging, calling, getting folks into care (mgm lived with us but mom said "no" to anyone else moving in--I learned how to set boundaries). My brothers were taken along on these missions and they learned "this is what gets done."

Did your parents train up your brother that way?

Maybe THEY should start making requests. And maybe you should say "I think you should ask brother to do that. I'm busy/tired/sick of doing ALL the work."