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Hi there,


TLDR: Do other families/caregivers struggle with organizing and delegating (or outsourcing) care tasks to other family members?


My grandparents are both 91-years-old, and for the most part, they are still extremely independent; grandpa still drives! My mom has been cooking meals a couple times a week and has been visiting daily. Two weeks ago, grandpa was hospitalized and is now recovering in rehab. My mom and I are now increasing our visits and interactions with grandma, yet the rest of the family, my mom's two sisters, aren't much help at all!


How do we get mom's sisters involved so they can pitch in to help with the care? Are there services or apps out there that encourage the family to help even from a long distance?

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Be specific. 1. Define what you believe the person needs for their care. Do the other family members agree or disagree? If they don’t agree you are not operating on the same page. Maybe they agree with the plan but say they do not intend to participate. It is not out of bounds to ask why - maybe they have issues they can’t or won’t share. That helps you set your expectation level and are forced to have another plan that is realistic based on your best efforts. 2. Clearly define what you can do and on what days and what you cannot do. You need to self-care as well. 3. If the family members agree on #1, who will volunteer for what and on what days. Make them be specific and get verbal commitments. Maybe they say they can’t help but will throw money at it (ie hire someone -fine. Ask that they find and manage that person too). What is their backup plan if they cannot fulfill that day’s duty? Finally, summarize in writing the outcome and confirm with all that what you heard is correct and they are in agreement. This seems very formal for a family but being specific and clear always helps. I agree with above comments - you Cannot make people be involved if they don’t want to be. From my husband’s man perspective, if a guy is involved and they see a problem is being addressed and getting done, they see no need to participate. They see it as no issue. Finally, from personal experience - if you dwell on the other person’s lack of commitment, betrayal, lack of love or empathy...fill in the blank. It will eat you alive and keep you angry. Disconnect, learn mental discipline and do NOT allow your mind to continue to go there. Stay in your lane. You only have control over your relationship with the person who needs caretaking, not theirs. It may break your heart to see it but you absolutely need to not dwell there.
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To quote from 'Pretty Woman' *We say WHO, we say WHEN, we say HOW much*

You say who you want to help, when you can help & how much time you can give.

All others family members get to do the same & it does not need to be even. Everyone's life is different, personality, work & other commitments will differ too.

If you TELL folk what to do, you may empty promises back, build resentment & conflict.

But nothing wrong with reaching out! Start connecting to ASK the other family members to have a think. What are they willing to do? You may well find a few very willing helpers. If so, a shared calendar app that all the carers can access could work.
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You don't. If they don't want to be more involved they won't be; it's not their responsibility, and it's very unlikely any service or app will change their minds.
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