Hi all — I’ve helped my parents (86 and 87) for years, alone. I have 1 brother; he doesn’t help. I know many people (especially daughters) (like me) are in the same lovely boat.
I hired 24-hour live-in caregivers at home. My brother and I live in NY. My parents live in MI.
I helped my parents in many ways.
Both my brother and I are POA. (We are POA independently).
My brother “fell off the face of the Earth”, as soon as they became frail. Stopped visiting: otherwise he would be asked to help.
He last visited our parents years ago. All caring was dumped on me (finding agencies, interviewing, etc., etc.) (you all know similar, even if differing, details).
(There is no arguing/no fighting in the family. He just doesn’t want to help our frail parents.) (He calls every 6 months: again, so he’s not asked to help).
I have 2 questions please.
1. Does anyone know the mobile number of Karma? If yes, please give it to me asap.
2. A less important question: Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings, into something positive?
He does not care if you are angry,
Your anger has no effect on him,
You are the one carrying the heavy burden of anger, he caries none.
You can do one of 2 things.
Just forget that he exists and carry on and do what you need to do to care for your parents.
You could even ask him to withdraw as joint POA so that you do not have to deal with him when it comes to making decisions.
OR
You can withdraw as POA and let him take over. This would force him to step up. (But what effect would that have on your parents.)
Forget Karma.
Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.
Not to make excuses but there are some people that just can not handle watching declines happen. It makes aging and death a reality and some can not take that. There may be things going on that you are unaware of. If that is the case maybe he also is doing the best that he can when he calls every 6 months. Again not making excuses ..there are not just 2 sides to a story, somewhere between the two sides is the reality.
Just to clarify:
—We are POA independently
—There’s nothing going on, on his side. He has no trouble seeing decline. He himself says so. He just doesn’t want to help/nothing/nada.
—Our parents helped us both financially a lot, during our lives. Getting our businesses started, etc.
—We were given everything in life. Love. A great education, etc.
—My parents are very disappointed in his selfishness.
Let me definitely try your suggestions:
1. “He does not care if you are angry”
You are absolutely right.
Anger waste of energy.
Right.
I’ll now breathe in and out. Release the anger to him.
2. I “can forget that he exists”
I like that idea.
I mean, of course he exists. But I won’t think about him. We talked for the 1st time in months today (by chance our voices/phonecall same time to our parents). I feel nothing towards him. I used to love him so much.
I don’t like his values at all now. For this reason, I feel nothing for him.
3. I tried to withdraw from the POA, to force him to help (even minimally) (I’ve already done all the work, setting up in-home care, solving many other problems).
He continued to abandon our parents. I can’t, won’t let my parents suffer. So I help (but hired even more caregivers, so that I have less to do).
4. “Forget Karma”
OK. I’ve never thought of forgetting Karma.
But why not. Let’s give it a try.
Henceforth, I try to forget Karma. I was hoping for mobile number, but I’ll try amnesia (regarding my friend Karma).
5. “Just do the best that you can for your parents. If you do that then YOU can rest easy knowing that you have done all that you can.”
THANK YOU.
This is true. I have ZERO regret. I did, do, my best — towards my parents and towards myself/my own life. I’m equally committed to helping my life.
6. I WILL TRY ALL YOUR SUGGESTIONS. Thank you, dear Grandma1954!!!!! I especially like point 1 and 4.
Somehow liberating to forget Karma.
…my screen name is Hello Karma…
Maybe instead, it can be:
Peace
Anyway, last year I was like you - very angry and upset . The Forum-ers here and my husband made me realize that the anger was affecting me and not reaching my brother (literally). He's in another country and very laidback anyway, so all my pleas for his help just slides off his back. After much arguing & begging he finally did send some money to cover mom's expensive private insurance here.
I'm constantly hoping my mom gets lucky, goes in her sleep & that will be the end of any ties with brother. And to think, he was mom's favorite when we were kids.
Like Alva says about writing, I try to keep a gratitude journal with pluses and minuses - the minus is always brother not helping but I've managed to jot down lots of pluses to drown out my brother's silence. Also, there are tons of others here who have idiot siblings not helping, so I know Im not alone, which helps a bit.
Let it all out here...and I will buy your book too..heh..heh...
These days I'm grieving the loss of a parent who is still living, siblings who aren't who I thought they were, "family" as I knew it which simply does not exist, my freedom/identity, 5 years of my life and counting, my own mental health because it's hanging on by a thread even tho I've never had mental health issues before...and various other losses which would probably sound trivial but they add up.
One sibling enjoys their retirement. The other is semi-retired, travels and has an active/full life. I work full time (remotely) and I would give anything for a break. But my LO is not ready for outside help (refuses), and my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me.
I try not to dwell on the anger. But it's always there. More painful is the sadness. When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little. And your LO loses out.
Working on all of it.
One.Day.At.A.Time.
“my siblings blame their lack of involvement on me”
That is awful and EXTREMELY manipulative.
You see, they have to somehow justify why they’re not helping (when I say helping, I don’t mean someone should help 24/7. Most of these awful siblings don’t even help 1 minute) (when I say helping, I mean help —— in some way. There are thousands of ways.)
Who wants to admit:
“Dear mom and pop, the truth is I don’t give a sh*t what happens to you. You’re suffering? So what. I’ll pretend to care a bit, otherwise you’ll disinherit me. You survived the emergency?? Shoot. I’ll have to wait longer for inheritance.”
(Not every sibling thinks like this, of course.)
But who wants to admit they’re an awful person?
Much better to blame someone else:
like you, Sandy. Let’s blame Sandy for us not helping.
But the reality is that there are many ways to help, which don’t involve you Sandy at all. Did they do it? Of course not.
Why not? Because you were never the cause Sandy.
“When you beg for help from people who are supposed to care, revealing that you're "not okay" and they still refuse, it hurts to realize you matter so little.”
As long as their life is ok, that’s all that matters.
“They do literally nothing”
Exactly.
Typical.
Common.
Dear Sandy,
This is not good (you said, “I have not yet been successful at overcoming my anger”) because now they’re two of us.
No, no.
We must listen to people here on this forum :).
Anger is a waste of energy.
(I would add, unless you can use it to propel you towards something awesome. Sometimes huge anger can create amazing success, because you use it as motivation.)
BUT, what we have, is the bad kind of anger, that eats you up.
Justified anger. But bad for us.
Let’s let it go.
:)
And if ever (you never know) someone does post Karma’s mobile number…
Well, hopefully I’ll already be smiling happily and have forgotten…
Karma calls.
HelloKarma:
Hi! You have reached HelloKarma.
Karma:
This is very confusing. I’m Karma. Hello.
HelloKarma:
No way! Get outta here! You’re KarmaHello?
Karma:
No…! I’m Karma.
HelloKarma:
Well, how nice to finally meet you. I don’t really need you anymore.
You just have to take the high road. That is really my only advice. You can't change anyone. I consider my brother a "casual when he feels like it" visitor to mom. Once I removed his relevance and importance in my head, it made things easier for me. When he made the decision not to help his own mother, he mattered less to me....that's really the only way I can explain it.
He doesn't matter. You matter and your mom matters. Put your energy there.
Sending hugs your way!
“Sending lots of hugs and good karma your way...”
THANK YOU.
And of course, I wish the same for you — and all of us here on this forum. I know we’re all dealing with things.
Thank you for your wonderful message.
“You do YOU and do what you think is best. Let it go and leave your brother to his own devices.”
YES.
Unfortunately, we must at times be in contact.
But, I have cut him out of my life. He’s awful.
Let go of anger, yes.
I have been disowned by my only older sibling. I did all the caretaking while she lived her life in other states. Both parents now deceased. Her response when I told her I did not want her to come live with me - "You have always been jealous of me. You are a hypocrite." She has huge debt, she ran off to Algeria to get married to an Algerian half her age, now she lives alone in California in debt. I did offer her to come join me and then I realized my house is way too small for the both of us. A bungalow - Only 1 bedroom. 720 square feet. I started having really bad anxiety attacks. So I told her not to come. That quote fom her to date is my last contact with her. It breaks my heart but being 73 years old I finally learned no matter how you try to keep family members happy in the long run you must do what is right for you. I feel no anger towards her. I just feel sad that us both being in our seventies she is throwing temper tantrums like a small child. Her problem. I had to sell my mother's and my home of 48 years to pay my mother's debts, funeral, probate fees. I went through probate of my mother's estate with no help from my sister. Yet I am the "bad guy". Go figure. How she reacts toward me is her problem. Quite frankly no contact is a relief. The being on edge trying to walk a titerope to keep peace with her is gone.
I wish you well in your journey as caregiver. Do what you must and ignore the negative people. A lesson I learned the hard way late in life.
I also wish you well, of course!!
“Do what you must and ignore the negative people.”
YES :)
Good riddance. Some people are awful. Your life will suddenly be lighter, happier.
Unfortunately, my brother and I sometimes must talk. That’s why my post suddenly appeared a few days ago.
More bad behavior from my brother. Of course I got upset.
——————————
Since yesterday/today I see even more clearly his character: he did something.
This liberated me, because I see I really don’t want to have much to do with someone like that.
Despicable values, liar.
——————————
I feel freer now, having cut him out more.
Good!! :)
“and my brother, who had arrived days before from across country, left to return home WHILE she lay on her death bed”
:(
“That left me alone with her and mind you, I had already been living there for half the year.”
:(
Hug!!!
Similar with me too. I helped again and again, with emergencies (stayed with my parents). Brother? Partying somewhere.
“I could either continue to dwell on his oddness or let it go. I chose the later.”
Good.
Here too, I’m following Grandma1954 :). Anger is a waste of energy.
“Good luck to you, hellokarma.”
Thanks!! You too!! :) :)
“Don't let it eat you up.”
I promise.
Hello Karma
I could go on about the concept of Karma, but I will spare you.
#2 QUESTION: The way to let go of anger is perhaps that prayer they all use at AA. The one about changing what you can change, letting go of things you cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
So consider yourself on a search for the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro. His position is crystal clear.
Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.
Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.
I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?
Do you wish/need to step away a bit, and how can you best do that?
Might a Fiduciary help? What else might help.
Brother needs to be out of the equation, just as essentially he is out of his parent's lives.
Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!
I sure do wish you the best.
I will buy your book!
#1
You don’t know Karma’s number. This is not going well. I was hoping for a very quick solution to it all: and I have my phone ready to call.
Anyway, Grandma1954 suggested to forget Karma. And that’s what I’ll try.
Currently, in amnesia mode.
#2
The AA prayer
and
“the wisdom to know that you cannot change other people, including the bro.”
I am a black belt in karate (seriously). Is there really no way to change people? I’ll ask my sensei. I practice hundreds of kicks daily.
…In case you’re right, and even my super duper, feminine kick won’t change someone…OK, AA prayer it is.
“Once you let go of the expectations, the anger will automatically melt away.”
THANK YOU.
YES.
“Eventually, you will decide if brother is someone you admire and want a lot to do with, or if he is someone accidentally born to your parents, but NOT someone you want much to do with.”
He was someone I adored, admired, loved like crazy.
Now I think:
he has despicable values. I feel nothing towards him (he behaved so very badly). It’s ok with me to cut him out.
——————————
Dear AlvaDeer,
THANK YOU.
I never considered this:
“I think it is crucial for you to think about what is really happening for you. To do that pretend the bro doesn't exist and never did. Pretend you never had one.
Are you overwhelmed with the care of your parents?”
It never occurred to me, to imagine that.
It’s a VERY useful exercise.
———————————
“Consider drowning your anxiety in a hobby like writing the next great memoir; your post was quite wonderful and gave me a real giggle!”
Thanks.
In reality, I am someone who simply wants to make people laugh, happy.
I’m very glad I made you laugh.
“Drowning my anxiety in”
“a memoir”
Excellent idea. I’ll try something like that.
Haha, now you made me laugh: you’ll buy my book.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH. :)
I have a twin sister. Mom’s in Memory care.
In the last 6 months, I have received precisely ONE text asking for an update on Mom. One.
I used to get mad that I am left with taking care of Mom. Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.
I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though! 🤣😂
Good :).
I wanted us to laugh/smile :).
“Thanks to everyone here, I try to remember that at the end of Mom’s life, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that *I* could for my mother. My sister is in charge of answering that for herself.”
Exactly.
I have a friend (man; about 50), very kind, who helped his parents a lot (even though he has his own family, job, etc.)
He told me the same (we spoke on the phone — that same phone I was going to use, to call Karma).
He said:
“You can be at peace with your conscience. Your brother, not.”
———————————
“I’d be happy to send you her picture for inclusion in the back of your book, though!”
Very good.
:)