The only local sibling refuses to help with (or even visit) aging parent, because they are angry with me, and I live with the LO. This person has shut down all communication with me, tells others I'm the reason they are not involved and stated they will take over ALL care if I move, or no care as long as I'm living in LO's home. It has always been a strained relationship, but it has gotten much worse. I honestly have no clue why, except that this person deeply dislikes me. I suppose the feeling is mutual. I've come to terms with the broken relationship but not with the LO's care being sub-standard due to my inability to do everything myself. I'm willing to work together and "suck it up" so to speak, and I have made that very clear. Others have tried to convince this person to wave the white flag for the sake of the aging parent, but the bar does not move, ever. Who knew this time in life would turn out to be an all-consuming living hell? Just venting.
You cannot change others.
You can only control and change you. You cannot also make others help you with care you wish to take on, and this sibling apparently doesn't care enough about her parent to even talk to you. So I honestly hold out little hope for you for any communication or help as you continue to give care to your parent.
You might offer one LAST time in a letter. Try this:
"Dear Sibling:
I understand that we have passed into a situation where you dislike me so much that you are willing to forgo any communication with our failing parent. I feel terrible about whatever my part might be in this, but most of all I grieve our parent's loss of your visits and your love. I know our parent would be so comforted by visits from you.
Is there any way I can open my home to your visit with our parent? Would you like to stay an afternoon? I can leave the home or make myself scarce so that you two can visit for any time you would like.
Would you like to speak with me? I am open to listening to anything you have to tell me, and I can promise to receive all you say without anger so that I can understand your side, and so that we can get together enough to make our parent's last years as quality as we can.
If you would like to do this I am always open to your reaching out to me in any way you would wish to. Here is all my contact information. Meanwhile let me tell you a little about how our parent is doing."
Sign your name. The end. Ball is in your sibling's court. Let it go.
There are mediators who will help you negotiate things as well; I can provide contact ways to get one if you two would like in future to avail yourselves of working something out.
Good luck. Some things cannot be changed. Some things can be changed with love. Now do know, if you are reaching out because this is too much, you feel your sibling is obligated to help, forget about it. As I said this is your choice to do and your sibling has decided NOT to do it. End of story there. No judgement.
There is no “morality” in a situation like this. If your brother is vindictive, he is in a perfect setting FOR HIM, and if you continue to provide quality care, there is no reason for him to do anything differently.
If you have access to your mother’s funds, hire help and support for her so that YOU can refresh yourself when you need to. Do whatever you can to help yourself and let yourself be at peace as you serve as your mother’s care provider.
Above all DON’T allow your brother to manipulate you with the meager support he provides. If you are attempting to allow yourself to be “willing to work together” you may well be setting yourself up to be treated even worse.
Are you keeping a list (for yourself) of the detailed responsibilities you currently perform? Start one, and keep it current.
There are people here who know what is happening in your life, and there may be suggestions from them that will be helpful, at least for you to consider.
Take GOOD CARE of yourself.