Just wondering.. how long did it take for anyone who moved their loved one to NH for you, the caregiver, to adjust?

Our stories are so similar! Except it’s my Grandmother. I’m the only child of her eldest son. Both of her sons passed away in separate events in 2016. My Uncle’s 3 kids want nothing to do with Grandmother’s care. So everything has been left up to me. Grandma wasn’t the nicest to us, but I made a promise to Daddy when he died that I would take care of her.

She fell and broke her hip at the end of September. 2 rehabs, 3 hospital stays, and now memory care.

When she first got to memory care I was there almost every day. I was messaging the DON and Administrator CONSTANTLY. I have notes about Grandma when the caregivers first walk in the door… things like “No ice in her drinks”… “These items should be within arms reach at all times” “Ask her about… to get to know her!”

I have a camera in her room that records and stores everything to a cloud. This is to protect the caregivers (she will say they did something or said something and I can go and verify before addressing the issue. More often than not it’s her dementia talking) and to keep me sane.

We have never been close and having me around so much wasn’t good for her OR me. Once I saw that she was being well taken care of, that the staff at her facility is pretty amazing and a lot of them genuinely care about her, and saw how well she does when I’m not there all of the time, I was able to step back and allow her to settle in which had allowed me to finally rest.

I cannot advocate having a camera enough! It has given me so much peace!

thank you for the input. I don't have a "dementia" or any other impairment diagnosis for my mom as of yet. I do know visiting yesterday- that I asked her if she went to any activities (although limited due to covid they are still holding some) and she told me no one asked her. Being that I know I cannot believe everything I talked to the activities directory- of course I got a completely different answer. My mom is saying no or she is telling the CNA that she has done #2. Apparently she is either having trouble now telling when it is passing gas or when it is really #2. I will say I am sure it is a combo of both- her refusing and maybe them not asking or not having something due to covid. It is frustrating. I did have my Care Plan meeting and was told they will try to get residents our of bed everyday- but if it happens 3 x a week thats sufficient.
We have dr appointment tuesday and she will have to be in chair for a few hours and probably will start complaining of pains -again she had sacroplasty in Nov- and says that sitting hurts. So does laying in bed and losing your mobility permanently.
As for me- I am losing my mind. I cannot be at the NH everyday as I have not had a full paycheck since this started. I'm trying to keep my wits about me.. is it time to let go of the battle to get out of bed and just let Mom do what she is doing. I feel like a failure.

The problem with NHs, the aides change. RNs do very little of the hands on. If this facility hires LPNs, they are able to do med passes and in some states give injections. The LPNs and aides do most of the care. The work schedule can be 8 hr shifts and 12hr shifts. Weekend aides are different people from the ones who work during the week. Soooo, the charge nurse on one shift, should be getting this information to the charge nurse on the next shift but does she/he? Then you have the different shifts of aides.

I was told by an aide in Moms NH that Mom would not brush her teeth. Really! Did you put the toothpaste on the brush and hand it to her? No. My Mom moved in with me in the beginning of her Dementia and I figured out I needed to hand her the toothbrush. The aides should not need to be told the resident needs to have their teeth brushed morning and night.

Now hearing aides are a different thing. Even before my Moms Dementia diagnosis, she did not wear her hearing aides much. I still have them and the last I checked, they were still working. So when she went to an AL, I didn't bother taking them. By the time she went to a NH she couldn't understand what was being said to her anyway. If her hearing was bad it wasn't real bad. Her Ear Dr. told me he visited a patient in a NH one time. She was complaining that her hearing aid was not working. First thing he did was check her battery, there wasn't one. Seems hearing aids are kept at the nurses station at night then given to the resident in the morning. The Dr. took the hearing aid out to the desk and told the nurse that hearing aids don't work without batteries.

Yes there is an adjustment and my daughter and brother will both tell you I was my own worst enemy. Mom had Dementia. She did not need to look like a homeless person. Her hair was short but fine and fly away. So hard to style. Her part was on the wrong side. Never brushed the same way twice. So I carried a brush and small container of hair spray in my purse to style it a little. I put her clothes in sets so she would match. One pr of shoes in black and white socks were enough because the aides never tried to match the outfit with the appropriate shoes and socks. Bras, I found (thru my RN daughter) that aides dress from the top down. So me placing the bras with the socks in the drawer meant they don't see the bra until they go to put her socks on. So no bra that day which was not a good thing since Mom got a bad yeast rash from skin touching skin. Easier to prevent than to cure.

I was lucky my daughter had worked in Rehab/NHs for 20 yrs as an LPN and then an RN. She told me what an aides schedule was and how they dress the residents. You need to ask how the staff does their jobs and then acclimate yourself to that. They have a certain routine to follow so everything works. Like everywhere, you have good employees and bad employees. You have to pick your battles. You want the staff to be glad to see you not "OMG here she comes again". Its not this is what I want, its is this possible?

Someone here once told me there are little leashes you can get for hearing aids, so if they fall out they don’t fall to the ground. My mother chose to stop wearing hearing aids so we never got one but you could look into that.

For me, I found that it is important to visit often and just be a presence at the nursing home so that the staff knows you are an involved family member, because I think it helps keep them a little bit more attentive to your loved one.

if you truly feel like she’s not getting the proper care after giving it a decent amount of time for them to settle in with her and vice versa, don’t hesitate to move her to another facility. I finally pulled my mother out of her first nursing home after about seven months. They weren’t giving her bad care they just weren’t giving the proper care for her needs. I moved her to memory care, and it was smooth sailing from that point on.

give them a chance to get everything up and running consistently, but do stay on top of them especially about the hearing aids. You might consider looking into some insurance coverage for them as well if you think they’re going to get lost. My mom‘s memory care lost hers because a nurse wrapped them in a napkin and put them in her pocket to put them in the charger later, then threw the napkin out without thinking. She did admit to it, so the nursing home paid to replace them.

Make sure the hearing aids are included on her medication chart, in order to cut down on loss and damage many places keep them on the med cart - have you had your initial care plan meeting yet?
It's going to take time for the staff to get to know her and her needs, things should improve. Life in a facility is a true culture shock; the sights, sounds and routines all take getting used to. All the little things I had done to give my mother comfort were no longer a possibility because facilities run on routines and staff must cater to the needs of many. Although I was always alert for signs of neglect I had to make a conscious decision to acknowledge and let go of the many things I couldn't control.