I was my moms caregiver for the 1st 4 and one half years of her dementia. I have 4 brothers, 2 chose to not participate in her care, one brother would drive 60 miles sometimes once a week to spell me for 18 hours, lastly my youngest brother came by once a week for 45 minutes to visit her. She has spent 3 plus years in an assisted care facility, where I visit when I can, maybe twice a month, because I can't watch her deteriorate more and more each visit. I got news today she has had a bad stroke and may die soon. My question is, why am I expected by my brothers to go see her before she dies, to me I watched her slowly die for 8 plus years, I have good memories that her and I shared while I cared for her, and I would like to remember her from those memories. Does this make me less caring to not want to be there when she passes?
You may feel guilty after she passes. Therefore think long and hard about whether you can live with yourself if you’re not there.
It is a hard situation.
I can definitely relate to wanting to remember your mother when she was whole.
As far as your brothers and other family you don’t have to answer to them at all.
If you haven't, I may at least say goodbye. You don't need to be there when she passes over. I agree, think of the good times. Its hard when you have been the sole caregiver watching a parent daily while others are off doing their thing. I have been trying to put the last 4 years of Moms life on a back shelf in my head.
Yes, you will be judged by family.
You don't even need an explanation, imo.
My family has never spoken about it.
Do what's right for you. I'm so sorry for what you and your mother and family are going through.
You cared for mom when she needed you. Your conscience is clear.
Likely brothers feel guilty and are pushing their guilt on you.
Some people are fine with "sitting vigil" as it were, over a dying family member. Many are upset to the point they never recover from it. Your choice how you handle it.
I was with my daddy, and my FIL when they passed. Sweet experiences, both. A
My OB died suddenly, I had no spoken to him is 12 years. My mother begged me to go see him in the hospital and "make amends". I chose not to and I have not had one second of remorse over it.
Already know my DH will have to be with his mother and I will be as far from that deathbed as is humanly possible.
Do what you feel is right.
When my stepdad was in hospital I did not visit. Not until the last day when Mum said it was time. We sat together with him until he died. Then I stayed with Mum until she was ready to leave.
I will say they missed out on much. While Mom was mostly out of it those last couple of years, she had her moments of clarity and if I wouldn't have been there all the time, I would have missed those. For me, that is what I cling to now. I was blessed to be holding her hand as she passed from this world to the next. It was peaceful and I could talk to her. For me, I needed this.
Each person needs to deal with death in their own way. I am thankful I was there for my mom.