I was my moms caregiver for the 1st 4 and one half years of her dementia. I have 4 brothers, 2 chose to not participate in her care, one brother would drive 60 miles sometimes once a week to spell me for 18 hours, lastly my youngest brother came by once a week for 45 minutes to visit her. She has spent 3 plus years in an assisted care facility, where I visit when I can, maybe twice a month, because I can't watch her deteriorate more and more each visit. I got news today she has had a bad stroke and may die soon. My question is, why am I expected by my brothers to go see her before she dies, to me I watched her slowly die for 8 plus years, I have good memories that her and I shared while I cared for her, and I would like to remember her from those memories. Does this make me less caring to not want to be there when she passes?

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Do what you feel is best in your heart.
You may feel guilty after she passes. Therefore think long and hard about whether you can live with yourself if you’re not there.
It is a hard situation.
I can definitely relate to wanting to remember your mother when she was whole.
As far as your brothers and other family you don’t have to answer to them at all.
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Reply to Shane1124

My Mom was on Hospice for a week before her passing. She closed her eyes and never opened them again. Everyone visited her to say goodbye. Her last day my nephew and I went it. We both wished her goodbye. I sang her favorite hymn. Then we left. 20 min. later she passed. I believe none of us die alone. Mom had her faith and knew where she was going and I feel my Dad came to get her.

If you haven't, I may at least say goodbye. You don't need to be there when she passes over. I agree, think of the good times. Its hard when you have been the sole caregiver watching a parent daily while others are off doing their thing. I have been trying to put the last 4 years of Moms life on a back shelf in my head.
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Reply to JoAnn29

It's important that you follow your heart, & remember her the way you want to. I hope you don't get any grief from family.
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Reply to Tiger55

No, it is not wrong to not go see your Mom before she dies.
Yes, you will be judged by family.
You don't even need an explanation, imo.
My family has never spoken about it.
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Reply to Sendhelp

Before I left my home to be Mom's live-in caregiver, at one point Mom nearly died. My sisters asked if they should keep Mom alive until I could get there. I told them I'd told Mom everything I needed and wanted to tell her. I said Mom's dignity was more important than my getting there, and to allow her to pass on her time.

Do what's right for you. I'm so sorry for what you and your mother and family are going through.
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Reply to MountainMoose

You have the right to feel whatever you feel.

You cared for mom when she needed you. Your conscience is clear.

Likely brothers feel guilty and are pushing their guilt on you.

Some people are fine with "sitting vigil" as it were, over a dying family member. Many are upset to the point they never recover from it. Your choice how you handle it.

I was with my daddy, and my FIL when they passed. Sweet experiences, both. A

My OB died suddenly, I had no spoken to him is 12 years. My mother begged me to go see him in the hospital and "make amends". I chose not to and I have not had one second of remorse over it.

Already know my DH will have to be with his mother and I will be as far from that deathbed as is humanly possible.

Do what you feel is right.
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Reply to Midkid58

The is no ‘right or wrong’ in this situation. There is just what you feel is right for you.

When my stepdad was in hospital I did not visit. Not until the last day when Mum said it was time. We sat together with him until he died. Then I stayed with Mum until she was ready to leave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Tothill
pdxson Dec 22, 2018
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I am the wrong person to ask. I had mom in my home until the end. My brother saw her twice the last 4 years. This was his way of coping. I think it is fine as that is how he dealt with the loss. My sister came about once every couple months... She was fine with that much visiting.

I will say they missed out on much. While Mom was mostly out of it those last couple of years, she had her moments of clarity and if I wouldn't have been there all the time, I would have missed those. For me, that is what I cling to now. I was blessed to be holding her hand as she passed from this world to the next. It was peaceful and I could talk to her. For me, I needed this.

Each person needs to deal with death in their own way. I am thankful I was there for my mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Grammyteacher

Don’t let someone else, even your brothers, control what you do, how you feel and how you think. You are a grownup and able to form your own opinions. If you feel you can’t go see your mom, that’s your choice and they have no say in your decision. If they say anything, just say, “I couldn’t do it. It was my choice and this is the decision I made.”
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Ahmijoy

No it does not make you less caring or wrong. It is a personal decision and whatever you chose to do is ok. Your brother's expectations of you are irrelevant in this matter.
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Reply to GingerMay

I don’t think it makes you less caring at all. My brother was on a ventilator for three months with Liver Failure. My mom got the call the night before that my brother was declining and to get to the hospital early in the morning. We got there, made the decision to take him off the ventilator. He passed quickly but every time I think of my brother that’s the memory I have. It’s a very personal decision and don’t let people make you feel bad.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to LisaNJ
pdxson Dec 22, 2018
thank you so much for sharing your experience with me i respect your advise.

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