Virtually everyone goes to Assisted Living ‘against their wishes’. Their wishes are usually to stay at home with one-on-one care 24 hours a day every day of the week. That’s more than three people being paid a lot of money to help them live their lives.
The good side is that most people do adjust to being in care, and as their condition gets worse the need for it becomes more obvious. The bad side is that even people who are actually content (as a camera will often show), still manage to complain most to their daughters when they visit.
Give yourself time to adjust, as well as time for your mother to adjust.
From OP's post below the POA is her brother. Sounds like the two have an estranged relationship because she refers to him as her son (the mothers) and not her brother.
Yes your mother is going to cry about being in the assisted living. Most do, but if you are encouraging this with mom you are just making things worse. Back off calling mom everyday so she can adjust and not have you fueling the fire so to speak about getting her out of the AL. Brother/Son has the say so in where she lives not you. You need to be helping mom adjust and stop this foolishness because if mom has ALZ or dementia she cannot assign a new POA.
You state she cannot live alone. POA is doing what is best for her because clearly he does not believe that having mom live with you is in moms best interests.
Unless POA is acting illegally in any aspect of his being POA I don't believe there is anything you can do. And him putting his mother in AL against her wishes is not illegal or unethical.
Didn't know this is more "siblings at war" posting. Tho I should have, because when it is this type of post we seldom get any details.
I get so tired of this, honestly. At just the point that the parents need their children united in their care and well being the children behave like infants tearing the now weakened parent between them. It is terribly sad.
Being a "compassionate person" with no caregiving experience, especially with dementia, doesn't necessarily qualify you to determine what's right for your mom. Dementia often reaches a point where managed care is the best option for all concerned. If mom is complaining, that's nothing new for elders in general, but for those with dementia, they often have no idea of their limitations and feel they can function perfectly fine alone when that's the furthest thing from the truth.
If you do not have POA for mom, your rights are pretty much non existent. The best thing to do is defer to the POA and ask why this decision was made. Then visit mom as often as possible.
Your mother could have given you POA. She chose someone else. Obviously you and POA disagree about moms care so i dont blame them for not wanting to give you any information about moms health etc. They probably dont want to be questioned about every thing.
Maybe try to accept mom is not moving back home and stop trying to butt heads with POA and they just might be more forthcoming with information.
HIPPA sucks and can be frustrating when someone is kept in the dark about their loved ones mefucal situation.
Be glad mom gave POA to someone who did the hard thing by getting her into a facility. Maybe that's why mom chose them in the first place.
Is your mother competent and able to care for herself ? Is she safe to live alone on her own ? Or does she have Alzheimer’s/ Dementia and her POA or guardian placed your mother in assisted living ?
If your mother is not competent to make decisions , than she can not recognize if she needs to live in assisted living . Very often elderly with Alzheimer’s/ Dementia do not realize they need help and are not safe to live alone . Assisted living gives 24 hour supervision and help available . An activated POA or guardian can place someone in assisted living.
My mother did not want to go to assisted living either , but she was placed there . She was living alone at home unsafe . I had been going every day but she was no longer safe to be alone ( at night ) . She had dementia and did not realize she needed help or that she was doing unsafe things at home.
Who placed your mother and why ? If your mother has assigned a POA that is NOT you , then you have no rights . You could fight for guardianship in court but it is expensive .
She cannot live alone, she wants to be with family, I could take her , she’s been crying for months since she’s been there. The POA is her son, he does not want her with me , I’m 2 hours away, so he rather have her pay for assisted living, we all know it’s expensive it is, but mostly not her wishes to be there! I don’t get any updates from him, don’t hear from him at all ! is there a hippa at the assisted living I can get on? Or does he have to approve it? Can I get her released from there?
Develop a supportive relationship with the POA. It's a terrible burden to make life decisions for those with dementia. The better your relationship with the POA the more likely they will be inclined to keep you informed. Visit your Mother and enjoy her company but remember, if she has dementia, her brain is dying. It doesn't get better though there will be days where her brain functions better than others.
The good side is that most people do adjust to being in care, and as their condition gets worse the need for it becomes more obvious. The bad side is that even people who are actually content (as a camera will often show), still manage to complain most to their daughters when they visit.
Give yourself time to adjust, as well as time for your mother to adjust.
Yes your mother is going to cry about being in the assisted living. Most do, but if you are encouraging this with mom you are just making things worse. Back off calling mom everyday so she can adjust and not have you fueling the fire so to speak about getting her out of the AL. Brother/Son has the say so in where she lives not you. You need to be helping mom adjust and stop this foolishness because if mom has ALZ or dementia she cannot assign a new POA.
You state she cannot live alone. POA is doing what is best for her because clearly he does not believe that having mom live with you is in moms best interests.
Unless POA is acting illegally in any aspect of his being POA I don't believe there is anything you can do. And him putting his mother in AL against her wishes is not illegal or unethical.
Tho I should have, because when it is this type of post we seldom get any details.
I get so tired of this, honestly.
At just the point that the parents need their children united in their care and well being the children behave like infants tearing the now weakened parent between them.
It is terribly sad.
If you do not have POA for mom, your rights are pretty much non existent. The best thing to do is defer to the POA and ask why this decision was made. Then visit mom as often as possible.
Good luck to you.
Maybe try to accept mom is not moving back home and stop trying to butt heads with POA and they just might be more forthcoming with information.
HIPPA sucks and can be frustrating when someone is kept in the dark about their loved ones mefucal situation.
Be glad mom gave POA to someone who did the hard thing by getting her into a facility. Maybe that's why mom chose them in the first place.
If your mother is not competent to make decisions , than she can not recognize if she needs to live in assisted living . Very often elderly with Alzheimer’s/ Dementia do not realize they need help and are not safe to live alone . Assisted living gives 24 hour supervision and help available .
An activated POA or guardian can place someone in assisted living.
My mother did not want to go to assisted living either , but she was placed there . She was living alone at home unsafe . I had been going every day but she was no longer safe to be alone ( at night ) . She had dementia and did not realize she needed help or that she was doing unsafe things at home.
Who placed your mother and why ?
If your mother has assigned a POA that is NOT you , then you have no rights . You could fight for guardianship in court but it is expensive .
It's important that we research different places so they go to a quality place. And if it's not a good fit, we can find a better facility somewhere.
The better your relationship with the POA the more likely they will be inclined to keep you informed.
Visit your Mother and enjoy her company but remember, if she has dementia, her brain is dying. It doesn't get better though there will be days where her brain functions better than others.
But you didn't.
Your Mother could have moved to your town, or into your home, back when she could decide for herself.
But she didn't.
Can you describe exactly what diagnosis your Mother has? Or what care needs your Mother has around the clock?
Or do you want to keep focusing on how Mother is sad & crying?
Blaming the POA will just eat you up.
Being realistic about the present may help you.
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