I’m a full time RN, wife and mother of 3. I work all day, then come home to take care is my mom. My husband is disabled and cares for her while I’m gone, as well as takes care of our 6 month old.

My mom had a bad stroke 4 years ago with left sided deficits. She then had lung cancer and went through chemo which got it all. They did prophylactic radiation to the brain, which made her mental state and mobility a lot worse. She had another small stroke and went to in patient rehab and was recently discharged back home.

She basically refuses to do anything for herself anymore. She has fallen before, and instead of asking for help, she has stayed in her bed. Won’t get up to go to the bathroom. Uses briefs, and throws them on her floor. The smell of urine from her room is beyond awful. I asked her what was going on, and she basically lied when I asked her if she’s been getting up to go
to the bathroom. I know it’s embarrassing, but I just don’t understand how she thinks this is okay to do.

I have been in tears because this is my mom, but I don’t know what to do from here. She’s just refusing to care for herself and is content to soil herself and do nothing about it.

There is only one answer, place your mother in a home. This will never work, your priority is your family.

Do your job as a nurse at work, do your job as a wife and mother at home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to anonymous912123

Get mother OUT of your house as soon as humanly possible and into a Skilled Nursing Facility where she can be a 'patient' all day long with no negative repercussions. You have TOO MUCH on your hands right now as it is without adding a non-mobile and non-compliant mother into the mix!! I just read a comment from one of our fellow forum members who said caring for his mother has brought HIS health to such a dreadful place that he's wondering if his mother will outlive him and he'll become ashes in an urn! what you you need to do here and don't use phrases like "she's my mother and I love her"............use phrases instead like, "she's my mother and I love her ENOUGH to place her where she'll get 24/7 care." Also add in another statement that you love YOURSELF and your husband/children enough to devote yourself to THEIR care now.

It sure sounds like your mother has given UP. But you have a lot of life left to live and you owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to go about doing just THAT!

Best of luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to lealonnie1

Just. Wow.
This is too much.

Definitely is time for a SNF.
Do not worry about estranged brother's opinion. If he "cared" he would be trying to see his mom. The only thing he will care about is any inheritance.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to XenaJada

I think even if your other siblings were saints, your mom's needs are beyond what can be coped with in the home 24/7 at this point. Would you want to put your child through what you are going through now? It seems to be time to find a facility for your mom. She needs it, and your baby and husband need it. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

So sorry you are going through this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to SnoopyLove

I honestly think that’s where she WANTS to go. I don’t mean this hatefully, but she truly does love playing the “patient” role and having things done for her.

anytime I even try to have a conversation with her regarding anything, she gets defensive with me and tells me “well just put me in a nursing home.”

my husband is a saint. Sure, he gets really frustrated with her, but he never shows it to her. I broke down one night sobbing begging him not to resent me over all of this. Which he would never do, but I just felt so defeated.

I have absolutely NO help. I have a sister in Florida and one in our town. The sister in Florida has helped me more than my brother. She actually took her for the summer 2 years ago to give us a break. I am estranged from my brother. His wife started a whole bunch of drama with the family, it was horrible. I just had enough and drew the line and I wasn’t going to object my kids to that. They know of all of her health problems, and haven’t lifted a finger. My sister and I have been talking about long term placement, she supports it and know it’s getting to be way too much, plus there’s a safety issue with her being a fall risk. But she even said “you know that is going to make some people mad.” Referencing our brother. And they would. They would blame me for everything and I would be the world’s most worthless daughter. But where have they been for the past 4 years? I would say they can take her into their home, but they are so nasty and vindictive, I would never be able to see her or talk to her, and they would do it purely out of spite.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MelissaLynn

It would be difficult enough if your mother was able to appreciate your home and care there but she is not. I think you need to place her in a nursing home. She is showing the needs for that and your home cannot meet those needs under the best circumstances which is not the case here though I don't believe a home should become a continual nursing home. There are enough needs to be met there and her presence will cause undue stress.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Riverdale

I’m so sorry. I had my mom living with me too. You have so much on your hands, a disabled husband, a baby and your mom. My Lord, that’s too much.

Of course, you care. That is natural but have you considered placing her in a facility? How does your husband cope caring for her while you are working if he is caring for your baby?
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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