I want so badly to ignore my anger when my mother triggers me, does anyone have techniques to help?

My stepmother was like this. She’s a narcissist. Very clearly. She’s never gonna change. But. My stepmother actually mellowed with her dementia. Maybe yours will too. It also helped that I didn’t love nor need any emotional approval from my stepmother. She didn’t raise me. So I was able to laugh at her attempts to trigger me and just pretend she was being funny (that was always her excuse for her comments. She was just kidding!) One day she looked at me and said “I can’t make you mad, can I ?” I laughed and said “Nope”. She STOPPED!
Now I watched her torture her daughter like this. Just like your mom. Here’s the problem. You are still that little girl inside and you want your mother’s love and approval!!! THAT’S why you’re so emotionally triggered. No matter what your adult brain says, there’s that emotional little girl deep inside that wants to be loved and accepted by her mother. I have this emotional problem with my dad who pretty much abandoned me. Unless you can heal the little girl inside YOURSELF, or your mother changes her ways with the dementia so she doesn’t trigger you anymore, you will just have to take many deep breaths and hang on. Lots of therapy might help, but I know neither of us has time for that process. So try to remind yourself that SHE has the mental problem, and you need to realize that and let her issues not be your issues.
Prayers for you!

You should consider joining the Facebook Alzheimers/Dementia Caregiver's Support Group.

In that group, you are allowed to VENT your feelings with no judgment. It helps a lot with getting some your anger out, with people who know exactly what you are going through.

It is very difficult to deal with a comment that is hurtful. Try to think of some responses that turn things around. She was sarcastic about the clothes, but you explained to her they were cleaning clothes. Maybe a response like: Yes, I try to look my best when cleaning the toilets and laugh about it. Yes, hard to do because our minds go directly to react instead of respond.

Anything you can turn into a 'funny' (although not funny) will help you. Calls you lazy - respond with, yes I am and I wish the maid would have shown up today so I could have taken a nap instead of scrubbing the toilet. Or, yes I am and I don't want you to get lazy like me, so bring yourself over here to deliver the insurance cards.

You're not alone in this problem. I know those words don't help much, but just know anyone doing the 24/7 caregiving or trying to deal with personality issues have days where the reaction takes you from 0 to rage in a split second.

This is what I do: Let HER have the last word. When we let someone have the last word, there is nothing left to say.
Of course that doesn't stop her from doing her huffing and puffing grunting noises, but at least it stops ridiculous bantering and arguing.

I found that when I lowered my expectations of my mother being kind and considerate to me I did much better. If you don't expect anything, then you won't be disappointed. People are not always nice, but she may have other redeeming qualities that you can appreciate. Was she there for you at times when you needed it? Did she raise you to be an independent, functioning person? These are good things. Also know that when people get dementia they have good and bad days. But mostly they have bad days of confusion, loss of memory, loss of functionality. You have to be kind to them. Don't take what she says personally. Her unkindness is her problem, not yours. You can learn to manage your reactions to it.

It is so stressful, you are not alone. There are support groups if even online. The things people say, button pushing statements, are usually not much about you and all about the person making the comments. Lifelong relationships may be based on these dynamics. You are right to see that it is your reaction that is bothersome. You cannot control others so you need to feel some self control.
Professional help, online support, I like Tappingsolution.org, it is kind of akin to self biofeedback and is great for anxiety and much more!
Your situation and your loved ones health usually have a certain trajectory. It is ok to get help, hire help. I am a professional caregiver and helped with both my folks who were thankfully wonderful. I have had clients who I have had to let go because of behavior etc. Your Mom's comments may be due to her own frustration. It has to be scary if you are aware of your own mental state.

Hang in there and love yourself, do what you can and let go what you cannot.

Have you told her how she makes you feel? You need more examples to make a conversation about both of your behaviors worth having.

You must ignore what she says. Please remember you are dealing with someone who is unhappy about herself.
Be good to yourself, take time for you. Take days off and ignore her insults.

I have always had trouble being assertive and standing up to bullies (such as family members). I took a course years ago, "Assertiveness Training for Women." One of the techniques suggested when someone is criticizing you, not taking it to heart and trying to defend yourself, but agreeing with them. "You are so lazy!" Response: "You're right! I never want to do anything!" Adding a little chuckle as you say it also helps. It tends to diffuse any effect that mean remarks may have on you. (Sure worked for me!)

Bullies love sarcasm too, one of their favorite abusive behaviors. For instance, your mother said, "You look nice," obviously meaning you didn't look nice at all in her opinion. Instead of defending yourself ("These are my cleaning clothes. I only wear them to clean, not to go out."), you could respond, "Thanks! I've always loved this shirt!"

As other posters have said, she's not going to get better or turn into a kind, caring mother. Accept that; find a way to deal with her abuse. I know, easy for me to say. It took me many years to be able to stand up to my bullying family member, but I did eventually was able to do it. The best of luck to you. We're all thinking of you.

I had the exact same situation. Adding to it my brother who lives 500 miles away sticking his nose in when my mom would lie to him tell him she's been alone for days when like you I literally lived 200 feet away.
I because so angry and resentful. Like how can she be soo unappreciated. As the dementia got worse I ended up closing my business because she "Wanted to stay in her own home"
The best thing I did for myself was to take time off. No matter what she needed I was not deterred from what i needed for my sanity. I went for yoga, counciling and other forms of self care. I joined a group that helped me too. This feeling is not uncommon. Know that caring for an ungrateful adult mother or father is emotionally exhausting. Implement any kind of free care that you can. Starting NOW! Dementia does not get any better. I ended up keeping my mom home, she could not control her bowels, or feed herself or carry on any daily tasks. Finally she fell which is common for Dementia patients and I thought I'd get a break when she was in rehab for a broken hip. But no!!!(Plus the anesthesia for surgery destroyed almost everything that was left in her brain cells.). She learned how to use the phone and called me day and night. She also forgot why she was there and continually got out of the bed and stomped down to the nurses station. At this point I made contact with social workers who could provide a resource for volunteers and some nursing help to come to the house when she got home. In the end, like the last 3 months of her life, I went from anger to feeling so sad for her. She just kept hanging on to life. Finally passed away. Very peaceful and I was relieved. For you. This could go on a long long time. First things first. Go to counseling!!!!!

My dad has dementia too. I just moved him two weeks ago to a memory care facility. It has taken the full two weeks for him to settle in. My anxiety was extreme for my dad. I talked to the Chaplin at the facility. I am a person of prayer and trust in My Lord.
I also enrolled in a life coach class. Now I would like to share - Check out Lightyear. It has what is called Personal Legacy course. I am almost finished and it has taught me how to react when certain things trigger my emotions. Just like this community at AgingCare helps with situations, Lightyear is a community of people who help you grow by dealing with life problems that weigh us down.
Check it out and listen to the videos. Some courses are only $20. Others are more. Hope this helps - it has really helped me.

When I was a teenager/young adult, my mom used to say horrible things to me, and in one instance drove me to the brink of suicide. At some point I realized that my mother was the one with the problem - not me. And that the decision I had to make was whether or not to let her problem be MY problem. I chose not to, and after some time of not getting to me, she stopped, and our relationship became much better. At the end of her life she developed dementia, and those behaviors returned on occasion. My sister, who had never been the target of her abuse, was extremely upset by these outbursts, but they didn't faze me at all.

Your mother has a problem. Not you.

I have discovered that taking care of ourselves is about taking care of ourselves in moments like this. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why/how I get to the places I get in my head, and try to help all of us understand why we are there and how to support ourselves better in the moment. Check this out and let me know if it helps you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AA0K3hHBmk4

I found that the personality traits that my mom had that I hated the most have been exaggerated by dementia.

When we haven't had the best relationship with our moms, it's hard to go into a caregiver role and leave all of that animosity, anger and resentment at the drop of a hat.  It has taken me almost 10 years to get to the point where most of the time, she does not trigger me.  I have accepted that this isn't really my mom anymore and no matter what she says, I get to walk away and resume my life and she is stuck in this fog of dementia in an ALF and is on the tail end of her life.   Having sympathy for her allows me to forgive some of the words that come out of her mouth and find a little compassion for the woman who is basically dying in front of my eyes.

How they act has a lot to do with the stage they are in too.  Look at it this way...she is on auto-pilot in the role of criticizing you and you are on auto-pilot of getting hurt by it...like you both have always done, from the sound of it.

She is ill and will only worsen...all she has are her words.  Once you look at it that way, you're in the drivers seat.  Just have a few prepared responses ready in your head to whip out to whatever she might say to you.  "Yes mom I am sleeping my life away and not ready to come to your house to pick up the insurance cards".  "Yes mom this outfit is all the rage in Paris...I can get you one if you like".  Make a joke of it and laugh it off.  The angrier you get about what she says, the more power you give her words.  Let sympathy and diversion replace your automatic response of hurt and anger.

Good luck Exhausted Piper.

This sounds so much like my mother and from all I have read these people are the nastiest to the primary caregivers. My mom and I have never been close and its worse now because I am her health care person. She has active dementia but thinks she is fine. My sister has serious health problems so even in mom's sick brain she does not want to upset my sister. I limit my visits each week and do as much from a distance as I can. I do not answer every call, she can leave a message. She has an part time evening sitter she adores so at least for those hours she is happy. Your mom will never change and probably will get worse. You have no control over her. Pretend that you do not hear the insults and nasty remarks. When my mom starts that I leave.

My wife endured this for years. Like my wife you will eventually not be able to take and will need to put her in a home.

This is a mental game.. I suggest reading a book by DR Amen about your brain. He has some great mental exersizes in his books to overcome these things.

It is important to focus on what is important and what is yor mission here. Is your mission to let your Mother get to you or to help her?

Also keep telling yourself it is not personal she would be doing this to anyone in your place.

Also hold her accountable as much as you can.

Discuss with your clergy and or a thereapist to get support.

BUT you need to start facing the truth. This WILL NOT get better. This is not a short term thing she will get over, then back to normal. If you are not mapping out a plan of how and when to move her to outside care your setting yourself up for bigger problems. If you have no plan and suddenly one day you just break, you cant take it anymore then it gets really difficult.

About your son...
I think it is important to learn from this. Start planning to put yourself in a position to NEVER have this dependancy on your children. WE are living longer and longer. We will become a HUGE burden on our children if we duplicate what our parents have done.

I made it clear to my children under NO circumstances am I going to put this kind of burden on them. BUT this takes planning.

I want to post what i posted for another member today--we both lost our parents in a short time period. Maybe think about what can come...and be glad for what you still have--I am so very sorry for your losses. Time will heal as years go on. I lost both parents in ten months due to terminal illnesses. I was also their caretaker. Birthdays are still this year, one this week. Soon going on five years; scenarios you mentioned are similar.

All I can say is always remember and it's not easy, especially with our world and how it has changed so much and still will change. No matter what you do, the scenario will not change. I am single, no children/spouse. Think about what they would have wanted for you and when you do this you will feel better. No counselor will bring them back. No magic pill will do this for you. Perhaps, continue to have faith in something higher whether that is a formal grouping (of course we have covid...so that may be limited)...or even your own time to reflect. I strongly believe in my religion but realize others have their own ways to cope.

As I get older, people change interests. You lose relatives and friends--and you retire---younger generations may not even care about you or just want what you can give and its sad. This may be a time to rely on yourself and friendships you made/make and in covid this can even be virtual. Take care of your health--physical and spiritual and stay safe. My best advise here is to reflect and remember good times and that you were loved. I hope this helps. It also helped me here.

As an aside, you know people will likely need to change direction with our new government, and many will find the need to move out of their states to a whole new life and it's scary especially if you are at retirement age. With the new healthcare proposed we may lose our doctors, hospitals, our neighborhoods may not be safe anymore and we need to move...far to avoid violence in cities...so change is apparently a part of life and I didn't realize it would come to us as we got older--never did I think this way. Do what is best for you and at minimum think about where you live and if you may need to move...perhaps and spend time sorting/clearing, etc. and getting things together. This will help you as well. Pick up a hobby, but don't ever forget the great times that you had with your family and how you helped them and how you were loved and no one can take those memories.

I can empathize. We took care of my mom for 5 years and 3 months when she had Alzheimer's. I could ask her what she wanted for breakfast, and she'd say, "Grits, " but then when I made them, she'd insult my cooking. I learned to develop "grit."

I even wrote a book about our experiences taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I learned to curse the disease, and not her.

I'll share a funny thing that happened in our eye doctor's office, since I think humor can go a long way. We were in the waiting room, and my mom saw a "Help Wanted" sign, (I think for a receptionist position). She wanted to tell the guy next to her (regarding that sign), that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job (an accounting job) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. Just try to take it day by day and find humor when you can, and try not to take the insults personally. (That's what I tried to do.)

I'm constantly angry about my parents. It's never been a good fit between me and them, they have always caused me to feel angry. And now that I am caregiving them in their home, Dad with Alzheimer's and Mom 1/2 paralyzed in a wheelchair following a stroke which has made her mentally into a 4 year old, nothing's changed. I find that physical exertion takes my anger down by a pretty good percentage. I ride my bike for a few miles and get my heart rate going, breathing hard, and run it down by 50% or so. I had a daughter who died when she was 9 from lifelong catastrophic illness and 11 months in hospice at home where I could not leave even to take the trash out to the curb because she had so much anxiety. I remember feeling frustrated and trapped at the time, but nothing like this! For some reason, parents trigger us in ways nobody else can.

There seems to always be some person in ones life that can get their goat so to speak. They just know the right buttons to push.
You should talk to your mom and let her know how you feel and ask her what you do that irritates her and ya'll both work on it.
If you can't make yourself ignore her words, try just walking away.
And Pray for your mom to be more kind in what she says and Pray for yourself that you aren't over taking to heart things your mom says and does.
Look for the underlying reason of why your mom says or does things and why it bothers you so much.
Just because she's your mother, doesn't mean you have to like her and visa versa.

It sounds like moms behavior wasn’t stellar to begin with, based on your post. My dad (89) was not a sarcastic or malicious person before dementia. His angry responses and sarcasm began about 3 years ago when he began exhibiting signs of the disease, and other health issues exacerbated these emotional outbursts. I had to deal with readjusting my perspective-from disbelief that he could be this way, to - he’s human, and this is who he is right now.

I have tried many of the techniques shared here (without knowing I was doing so). The best thing for me is applying the HALT technique to myself! Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I am, then I need a break from dad. Especially if I’m tired! That’s when I’m most likely to explode right back at him, and have definitely done so several times! If you can, try to find others who can be with mom. You need breaks - space and time away from her. Some people here might be thinking, how can “lonely” apply to a caregiver? Well, it’s a lonely job being a primary caregiver for someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s. My siblings are at varying degrees of acceptance themselves. Most of them aren’t nearly as far along as I am at understanding this sickness.

I like the suggestion of another replier here to join an Alzheimer’s or dementia support group. It’s just that sometimes you’re so tired, that the thought of joining a group or having to give up more time for something else just seems overwhelming.

You seem to have a very empathetic personality. You are concerned about mom, kind enough to help and care for her, and sensitive to the fact that your anger probably hurts you more than it does her. Try to find the good in her and build on that. Watch how others she responds well to, deal with her. I learned that dad’s sarcasm (which I took personally), was taken as a joke by others, and he liked that! Once I could see that, I figured out how to joke around with him, and not react.

IDK about your mom, but when dad is frightened, he gets angry. Anger is his “go to” response. Knowing that has also helped me respond differently to him.

I’m also trying to find a therapist for myself. It’s nice to talk to someone. Friends are great, but sometimes you feel like you’re being a burden by sharing all your problems with them. It’s just hard finding somebody in the middle of a pandemic! I’ve been checking out talk space, but I have an acted on it yet.

Good luck! I’ll be watching the replies here to see how things are going for you. Hang in there!

Anger and resentment is normal for these situations. Don't suppress your anger. Go to a bedroom and scream into a pillow. Also, lie on the bed and kick and punch. That helps me get the anger out. If you try to suppress the anger it can manifest physically.

No! This isn't about you, it is about "her". You have been conditioned by her over a lifetime that you are the problem. Believe me, you are NOT the problem. I am also the daughter of a narcissistic mother. And smart, seriously smart that you moved your mother close to you BUT not in the same house which is what I did.

If there were a surgical brain operation for narcissists, THAT would be the procedure needed. I just looked it up and apparently there is less gray matter in a part of the cerebral cortex of narcissists.

I am in my 60's and until Mom came to live with me 3 1/2 years ago, I did not realize that she is a narcissist. I have since read so many books on the subject and got support on this website from so many relatives of narcissists.

If you have not already come to that realization about your mom, then please go on Amazon and buy several books on narcissism, daughter of a narcissist, and so on. And look on this site for forums with that topic. The books soooo helped to validate that it was "her" not me. I was not the "crazy one". They helped tremendously. Once I realized it WAS her, that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. She could / would never change. Period. Remember that. The only thing that could ever change was ME.... with that newfound knowledge / explanations.

For me, like I said, we live in the same house. These days, most of the time, things go well. If they don't, I walk away.... go into another room, etc. In the mornings if there are issues, I can explain things to Mom. She may remember for a bit. Anything later in the day has no point in being explained as she will not remember.

Routines are key to good days. Just know that you have your feelings, your life to live. Maybe even talk to a therapist for a few sessions to help with techniques to deal with it all. Just above all, KNOW that you are good, you are ok, your mom has problems, not you. [ As long as you think of yourself as the victim, your mom will act as aggressor. You are important and you must believe that of yourself. ]

I didn't see my solution mentioned, so I'll just throw this out there. My mil was with us for the last nine months of her life and I will say that she was a gem! Especially when I hear other's stories, I realize how blessed I was to have her.

The worst issue with her was her constantly saying, "I'm sorry." I realized later that her husband had created in her the perception that no matter what she did, it wasn't enough, so she lived a life of apology. (Like father, like son -- I have stubbornly refused to get into the "I'm sorry" mode with my husband even though he actually demands that I say it, whole other story though.)

Mil and my dh bickered constantly, I chose to hide out on the computer as much as possible. When he would leave, then I'd go sit with my mil and on my, the wonderful stories she told. I know so much more about her life than anyone else ever will, including some really bad parts.

One day, I couldn't stand the bickering any more, I walked out the basement door, faced the holler below our house (we live in the mountains) and I let out a scream that probably woke half the town. I just let her rip. My husband came out and cast the devil out of me, lol.

So maybe you could just go somewhere far away from people and let yourself have a good yell. It really does help!

Try Counseling to sort out what is at the root of your anger.

There are two separate questions:

(1) How do you keep your cool when dealing with a parent suffering from dementia?

and

(2) How do you keep your cool when dealing with a parent (or anyone else) who is verbally abusive?

The answer to #1 is, to transition, emotionally, to an understanding that this former leader can no longer rationally be in charge, while balancing your parents’ dignity to preserve their feelings of self worth. You must now make the Important decisions (you may not even want to) and this shift of control is most gentle when allowing your parent to weigh-in, express concerns and be heard. The problem is your parent is losing control which can drive a person of any age to throw a tantrum. So you became the adult and they became the child and you didn’t want this “battlefield” promotion in the first place. How do you keep your cool? Do your best to emulate an ideal parent. If your parent did not show you by example, draw on your memories of television parents from the 60s-90s, doing the “right thing” to teach the audience a lesson. (Parents in today’s programs often play the role of a bumbling clown to their clever children, so you may have to draw deep on TV memories). You will have to recalibrate if your parent slips farther into dementia. You may start out emulating Michael Landon’s parenting (Little House on the Prairie) and eventually come around to emulating Jo Frost (Supernanny). The key words are “do your best.” Don’t be tough on yourself. Change is hard.

Question 2 is even harder to answer.and solve. When someone is continually abusive, you find yourself living on a spectrum from annoyed to weakened. When you need a break, take one. Surround yourself with kind supportive people that will help you refresh your screen when it becomes frozen. When those kind supportive people aren’t there, be that person for yourself. Don’t blame yourself. Find ways to spend your free moments that best reduce your stress. Treat yourself kindly when you have.a break. Do not accept and incorporate the poison that is thrown at you. Understand the source - and discount the behavior accordingly.

Someone can’t hurt our feelings unless we care what the offending person thinks. Obviously you do care what she thinks, but also know inside that she’s being unreasonable, petty and rude. I recently read a fantastic book by Rosemary Altea called Soul Signs. Everyone falls into one given soul-type (of several) based on their personality and natural makeup. We’re basically born that way, but can make conscious changes though it’ll feel like walking upstream! Your mom may well be a retrospective soul- as my mom was. She’s gone now, but reading about her type helped me realize it wasn’t me or my ineptness that didn’t allow me to ever measure up, it was how she was “wired”. I highly encourage you to read the book. It’s a quick, easy read-fascinating & spot on. Helps one better understand our relationships with various people. You love your mom or you’d have baled out, but that doesn’t mean you always like her. You’re a good person- hang in there & good luck!

Since you already know her condition, try stop reacting to her unfavorable comments. It will only serve to hurt you. What worked for me was joining a local alzheimers/dementia focus group. Check with local resources for a group near you. You will soon learn you aren't alone and many people can offer tips on handling hurtful situations. Hope this helps.

Your mom is a teacher for you to learn how to not give away your power. Will you finally learn from her? I have lived with this my whole life and I just kept my distance. Now she lives with me in her not so golden years and not much has changed with her, but it is changing with me. Do you ever let her know the things she says to you bothers you? I am setting boundaries, something I was never really great at my whole life. Living as a people pleaser and mom taking full advantage of that. It’s time for me to step up to the plate in my life. Last week my mother told me that I was “the most horrible daughter in the world, that god was going to punish me, I was going to hell and she was going to call the police on me and tell them I was abusing her ND then she tried to hit me” her words did not sting me as they once would as I realized she was frustrated and she was basically having a temper tantrum. But those words did do something for me instead. They woke me out of a life long coma of abuse. And I asked myself why I would want to be around someone that treats me like this? Why would I continue to take the abuse from her? It made me stand up and proclaim that I will never allow anyone to ever treat me like this again. My mother does not like this new improved aide of me and she is moving out December 1st. I am doing inner work to address my feelings and understand that I am allowed to have them, they help me learn who gets a spot in my life and who does not. It was about time I stood up for myself and my mother being such a rude, mean and demanding person, while I have been trying to help her has been just the kick in the stomach I needed to see my fairytale ways of pleasing mom for her acceptance and love would never be a road to a happy life for me.🙏🏼🧚🏼‍♂️💕 choose you first. And there is nothing wrong with your feelings, lean in and embrace them you get to have them

My father has gotten more difficult since diagnosed with dementia. He’s either very sarcastic or Mr. know it all. Always trying to prove that he’s right and I’m wrong. Trying to prove he doesn’t have dementia, if I forget something boy does he rub it in. If he forgets something he gets mad and yells at me as if it were my fault. Today he said remember that I went to the hospital? I said which time, how long ago was this? He yells at me...well you are the one who should know you were with me!!! So frustrating. He’s always been stubborn but never this difficult. I’m not sure how to respond to him. So far I’ve been ignoring it and reminding myself he has dementia arguing with him won’t work. However it still stresses me out being yelled at for nothing all the time when all I want is peace. I feel like I’m dealing with a teenager half the time 😁 yet I can’t discipline him