I call everyday, morning and night. We always have at the least 30 minutes to an hour conversation. I try to let her talk about everything she wants. Too often comments will relate to one of my transgressions in my past. Or she seems to try and talk about something I should be doing now. My husband has just taken on a job even though he had retired. I want to be responsible especially due to little support from siblings. I realize she depends on my calls so I will not stop calling. By now, we have been able to visit by Mother's Day!
"I'm sorry but I do not like to be talked to like that. If you do not stop I will hang up"
If the talk continues say goodbye and hang up. Do not wait for a response a simple goodbye and hang up.
Repeat as often as necessary.
You would not take that kind of treatment from anyone else why let a family member get away with it?
As adults, we have other choices available.
Talking to you about 'past transgressions' is ridiculous, as is telling you what you 'should be' doing now.
If the calls can't be pleasant, cut them down in length, and let your mother know that the subject matter she insists on bringing up is not a good one for YOU. She'll get the hint in short order.
These phone calls you make to her are out of the goodness of your heart and should be something she's thankful for. If not, cut back on them.
You have rights too, so hopefully you realize that.
Have a nice Mother's Day visit if you do get to go!
My MIL does this to my DH. All conversations quickly become "Oh, when you were 5 and fell out of that tree! You were such a terrible child". And that's a mild one. There are literally hundreds of infractions he's committed---and she'd never forgotten nor forgiven one.
Dh is wracked with guilt, he can't get past the past, so to speak. PLUS, his mom has the uncanny ability to remember every single phrase, look or emotion associated with every indescretion on his part. It breaks my heart. He's 69 and still lives in some level of terror from his mom.
It takes him 2-3 days to overcome the awful-ness of how she leaves him feeling. For about 6 months, he refused to see or talk to her, and it helped, a lot, but then the guilt of not helping SIL with MIL's incessant needs drew him back into the mess.
For you?
Gosh, cut back the phone calls! I mean, twice a week and make them short and superficial.
Because you keep calling, like a dutiful daughter, she has no reason to behave better and I bet she doesn't even realize how draining her calls are--and maybe doesn't care. IDK.
When DH calls his mom, sometimes I go into the bedroom and tell him that he has a call on the landline and he's needed ASAP. Yes. I am lying, but I'm also saving his mental health.