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My poor sister is bearing the burden of caretaking our 93 year old mother. She is not suffering from Alzheimer's, and she is able to wash and dress herself and do laundry. But she needs help with everything else. I am disabled too, cannot drive anymore due to diabetes and vision problems, and live in another city. When I am at my mom's, I'm isolated, and in a wealthy suburb where there really is no viable public transport, except back to the city. I also have to take a ton of medication with me and cannot control what foods are in the apartment, which is important for my blood sugar control. I have trouble caring for myself. My sister comes and goes as she lives five minutes away and drives. The problem is that she also has her own her own health problems as well. My mother is deaf and it would break her hear to put her in assisted living. We tried and no one would attempt to talk to her, she felt very isolated. We did have a part time caregiver, and we are in the process of interviewing for another.

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Grandma1954: "Mom's heart will not break if she moved to Assisted Living. Mom's heart would break if she had to help plan either of her daughters funerals."

YES! I am SO tired of reading how "Mom's heart will break" if she has to go to a facility. Enough already! I don't understand how the caregiver's physical, mental, and emotional health is considered less important than the fear that "Mama's heart will break!" But that is clearly the case for many who post on this forum.
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How can you not be helping if you go and stay with her? You mean not helping enough? All I can say here is she gets more help than most of the people on this forum. Your Mom at 93 can still care for herself pretty much and has no Dementia. Seems she can be alone if sister can just drop in every so often and she can afford an aide. So count your blessings there.

But I do think since both of you have health problems that Mom needs an AL. She will decline as she ages and neither of you will be able to do her daily care. Better to place her early instead of later. You and sis need to realize this is the best for all concerned.

Yes, get Mom an examination with an ear doctor for a good checkup. She could have ear wax which would cause problems with her hearing. An audiologist can help u find something easy for Mom to use.
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Encourage yourself for caring about your mom and doing the best that you can. Family doesn't always do and say the things we want them to say and do. Lower your standards for your sister, she has her own problems. Look on the bright side, your mom is getting care and plans are being made to find another her caregiver. Your situation is not hopeless, although it may feel that way.
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You say your mother doesn't have cognitive problems. Is she 100% deaf? Can you take her in for a hearing test and then see if she's a candidate for any Personal Sound Amplifiers? At her age, hearing aids are too expensive and too small to be handled by very senior people.

https://dailycaring.com/affordable-hearing-aid-alternatives-for-seniors-hearing-amplifiers
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I'm very sorry this is happening to all of you. I think the conversation you need to have isn't with your sister; I think you and your sister have to sit down with mom and tell her that neither of you are capable of giving her the care she requires anymore. It's time for her to at least go into AL; its not fair of her to expect you and your sister to ignore your own health issues in order to prop up her unreasonable expectation to live and die in her home.
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Help her in ways you can.
Order and pay for a meal to be delivered.
If you can take over some of the things she does remotely that might help. Does your sister do moms bills? You can do most of that on line and would take one thing off her plate.
Get caregiver help ASAP.
Mom's heart will not break if she moved to Assisted Living. Mom's heart would break if she had to help plan either of her daughters funerals.
I would suggest finding an Assisted Living facility that is convenient for both you and your sister. Place mom for 2 weeks of Respite. This will give your sister a break. If it is convenient for you you could more easily visit. BUT I suggest you not visit for a while, let mom learn to make friends. Let the staff know that mom does not make friends easily. This may be due to her being deaf. They have ways to help people feel comfortable entering the community.
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