I was a caregiver for my Dad. It was hard because he bounced back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals for about 2 years. Within 12 months of his passing, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have been her caregiver for over 5.5 years. I am soooo grateful she is beating cancer and is a 5.5-year survivor. The cancer has popped up in her lungs a few times and she was diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. She also has COPD. She has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Her doctors told her she had to give up smoking.
My Mom’s case is a hopeful one in that her last 3 PET and CAT scans (over the span of several months) were CLEAN and showed absolutely NO cancer. In the past, each time cancer had popped up in her lungs she would have to go on treatment and go for a surgical procedure, which she barely passed medically for because of her lung issues. After her last procedure (which was about a year ago), her lung collapsed and she had to come home on oxygen after a long hospital stay. The treatment cause inflammation in her body, so she had to take a break from treatment. However, this does not deter Mom from smoking.
We have had many arguments over her smoking through out the years. When I was a young adult and lived at home, I asked my Mom to please smoke outside because I did not want to get sick from second hand smoke. She got right up close to my face and blew smoke in my face and said to me: “If I have to die of cancer, so do you.” Also when I was a young adult and lived at home, I once opened the windows to let the smoke out and she called the police on me for opening the windows in her house.
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves. I did get a smoking cessation therapist on board to help my Mom quit and she is taking a stronger dose of Wellbutrin (which is supposed to help her to stop smoking and which she complains about taking and sometimes forgets to take) at the therapist’s suggestion, however Mom refuses to get the nicotine patch or gum as the cessation therapist strongly advised.
She lives alone in her home and is an independent 82 year old and does have a decent quality of life. She can cook, drive, clean and is of sound mind. I promised her that she would be able to live in her home for the rest of her life. (I promised she would never end up in a nursing home).
I live alone in my own home which is in disrepair and am living off of my savings (and helping Mom with my savings). I do NOT have an income coming in at this time. I do not have a pension and do not have a 401k or any outside help. My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea. Also Mom said she may not be able to live with me. Right now I have an aide coming in three times a week for about 16 hours a week.
I advised my Mom not to let her 12 year old small yorkie out (without a leash) and to not go out in the cold. However, Mom let the dog out without a leash and went out in the cold after the dog and tripped and fell. She had her phone with her so she was able to call for assistance. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she refused. She tells me I am “controlling”, but I am just trying to protect her and help her. I just want the best for her.
The worst part of it is the lying. She swears she is not smoking, however I smell it when I go into her home and later she admits it to the doctor. I told her she could be honest with me and I would not get upset, but she still lies.
It is very difficult to quit smoking, however I just want Mom to make a “sincere honest effort” to quit smoking and make better choices for herself because she has a hopeful case and a chance at life.
The good news is that mom lives here and can get 24/7 aides on Medicaid.
Do some research and find yourself someplace comfortable and affordable. Tennessee? South Carolina?
Get a job at a fast food place, or Walmart or CVS.
Stop showing up at your mother's place. Give her the number for the Area Agency on Aging and let her live how she pleases...not on your dime.
You have a lot of great suggestions and support here. Don’t have anything to do with her, including a Power of Attorney. Your brother has a warped sense of Christianity. Write down on a piece of paper everything you’ve written here, and other offenses they’ve committed. Then burn it in a metal bowl to mark the start of your own life. Maybe sell your house and move away! Baby steps—it won’t be easy to reverse a lifetime of cruelty from your mom but you can do it. Have patience with yourself. It won’t happen overnight but you’ve turned a corner—realizing how much she and your brother have taken from you, and now it’s unacceptable. Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing! Best wishes.
You should nOT move in with your mom to take care of her, but if you did, she should pay YOU for caretaking. That is unlikely to happen.
Moving in and taking even more responsibility is a BAD IDEA. Your mother and brother might love the idea of adding the proceeds from your house to your mother's resources. Even WORSE IDEA.
Don't do it. Never mind all the lies and poor choices. You don't need to justify not wanting to be care taker. Your mother and brother do not need to like your decision.
“She (and your brother?) has you right where she wants you.”
————
it’s very selfish of your brother, OP, to try to sacrifice your life: encourage YOU to become the caregiver.
he can sacrifice his own life.
:)
i’m sending lots of compassion to you!!
it’s difficult, and you’re trying so hard.
————
1.
your mother said:
“If I have to die of cancer, so do you.”
terrible.
if possible, try to eliminate from your mind.
2.
if i understood right, you have financial problems.
if possible, try to solve it. your future decisions are limited, the less money you have.
3.
be careful with moving in with your mother (better not do it?). often, as a daughter, this means you’ll have no life yourself. helping will take up 24/7. stress. worry.
of course we should help our elderly parents. BUT you must help your life too: a full life, your own life. you weren’t born to serve another human being.
4.
smoking, etc…
actually, i must say, the advice i’m about to give you, i should give to myself.
namely:
if she wants to die/get sick/etc. by smoking, let her. she’s of sound mind. she has a right to die as she wants (even though the consequences/further ill health/problems will most likely land on you — because you care and will want to fix things, when emergencies/problems appear).
:(
unfortunately, the consequences of their bad/dangerous choices, land on us.
my LO doesn’t smoke.
my LO (sound mind) makes other very dangerous decisions — easily preventable. but refuses all solutions.
consequences land on me.
but i should follow my own advice:
my LO has a right to live as they want. i should stop trying to improve the dangerous situations. My LO refuses all suggestions/solutions.
so OP…
let’s both take a deep breath.
let’s let our LOs decide.
we can still help (with what you want to help with) —— but let’s focus on our own life.
in a way, they’ve taken away the responsibility for us. we’re free to focus more on ourselves.
(in reality, when emergencies happen, we’re involved and it’s extreme stress, and it possibly was preventable).
5.
i am in love with Debambler’s post (below mine).
EXCELLENT.
and i’m going to tattoo Debambler’s two paragraphs in my heart.
i particularly like the 1st sentence.
She is never going to do what’s best for herself or what you want her to do. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want your interference. Let it go.
There is no amount of love, caring, help, threats, pleas or anything else that will make an addict stop.
My advice to you is to stop even mentioning the smoking - many times that just backfires anyway. Accept that your mother is going to smoke.
You say that your mother is independent, can cook, clean, drive and has a sound mind. Consider yourself blessed and move on with you life.
Maybe you want to consider whether or not you are co-dependent. You may be addicted to your mother, her addiction and the drama that it creates.
There is a great book. "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy.
Please do that for yourself.
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I would never move in with Mom at this stage of the game. Let brother do that, let him sell his house. (Probably not, right ?!)
Your Mom will continue to smoke and do it with it or without lying. She knows the possible consequences. Somehow you need to find the inner peace to accept this. That does not mean you agree or want her to continue, but she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. She will not change. You cannot control someone else; but you can control how you respond.
It is you that needs to change... to accept and "let go".
Please do not move in with her. For your peace of mind and sanity, stay by yourself.
Find the strength, be firm and say "No". No, you will not be doing that. Period. You do not need to give any reasons, etc. Just say "No".
And if she goes to the hospital again, tell the social worker she needs to go to rehab after, that she is not safe to go home, because there is no one there to help her. Period. Do NOT spend any more of your money for at-home care for your mom. You MUST think of yourself and your future. Disengage yourself.
And please let us know how are you are doing. We care about you.
If she is in her home, talk to the local police or social services and have them do something called "well checks". At that point, if they see something that causes concern, THEY will intervene and it won't be on you. Or talk to the Aide, and have them do the reporting. Do not move in with her, as she will manipulate you and you will be worse off than you are now. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you can't control her habits but you can protect her life in other ways.
You don't owe her anything. You need to let her know, that's her life. If she needs help hire it. And move on with yours. Your mother is not going to do anything to help you it sounds, like quitting smoking. Sure it's tough to do, but...
Your brother and mother sound like people who suck the life out of you. Go get a job, fix up your home, and visit mom off and on, but get out of her life because you've lost yours.
I'm writing this with caring and kindness, your mother is right...you are being controlling. You can't make her do anything. She is a fully grown adult who is making her own decisions. It's not your job to make her quit smoking, make her stop putting her Yorkie out without a leash etc.
You wrote:
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves.
Seriously, STOP doing for her and start doing for yourself. You matter and you should be taking care and investing all this time, money and effort in yourself, not your mother. She made all the decisions that got her into this spot and she knows it.
Your job isn't to protect her from herself.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Don't care more about another's situation than they do.
Observe don't Absorb!
There are many other sayings I could type but I just want you to really think about how you are trying to get your mom to do things she doesn't want to do. And because she's an adult, she doesn't have to do what you say. Stop caring and doing more than she does. Care for yourself because once you put all this time and effort into her life, there won't be anything left for your own life.
Prayers.
If they care so little about their own health, why should anyone else?
Feeling remorseful and regretful is the first step in the right direction. I am so glad you said that. I think it's a sign of hope that you have the will to turn your life around for the better.
Please think over carefully and envision what you want YOUR life to be, not anyone else's life. What would you like to be doing if you had your choice to do anything you want? What would a good day look like to you? What would you like to be doing 1, 2, 5 years from now?
Envision the above clearly and in high definition, seeing yourself doing the above. Set goals, then set baby steps on how to get to each of your goal.
That's how you take care of yourself.
You can't. Even IF she quit smoking, there's no reason on earth for you to continue sacrificing your entire being and life for your mom. You can still love your mom and LOVE YOURSELF at the same time.
Your situ sounds like codependency. In addition to putting space between you and mom and your selfish narcissist sounding brother and moving yourself in a very different direction, I seriously advise you to seek counseling.
Sounds like you really love your mom,, but you deserve A LOT MORE LOVE AND SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE TO LOVE YOU FOR JUST YOU.
You cannot change others. You can only change what YOU do. So you have decisions to make. It seems to me that there is a good deal more than cancer that is problematic here. You have formed a habitual way of carrying on with life. I think that will be difficult for YOU to change, and my stress on the "you" means only you can do it.
Sorry for all the problems.