I was a caregiver for my Dad. It was hard because he bounced back and forth between nursing homes and hospitals for about 2 years. Within 12 months of his passing, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have been her caregiver for over 5.5 years. I am soooo grateful she is beating cancer and is a 5.5-year survivor. The cancer has popped up in her lungs a few times and she was diagnosed with a form of lung cancer. She also has COPD. She has been a chain smoker for most of her life. Her doctors told her she had to give up smoking.
My Mom’s case is a hopeful one in that her last 3 PET and CAT scans (over the span of several months) were CLEAN and showed absolutely NO cancer. In the past, each time cancer had popped up in her lungs she would have to go on treatment and go for a surgical procedure, which she barely passed medically for because of her lung issues. After her last procedure (which was about a year ago), her lung collapsed and she had to come home on oxygen after a long hospital stay. The treatment cause inflammation in her body, so she had to take a break from treatment. However, this does not deter Mom from smoking.
We have had many arguments over her smoking through out the years. When I was a young adult and lived at home, I asked my Mom to please smoke outside because I did not want to get sick from second hand smoke. She got right up close to my face and blew smoke in my face and said to me: “If I have to die of cancer, so do you.” Also when I was a young adult and lived at home, I once opened the windows to let the smoke out and she called the police on me for opening the windows in her house.
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves. I did get a smoking cessation therapist on board to help my Mom quit and she is taking a stronger dose of Wellbutrin (which is supposed to help her to stop smoking and which she complains about taking and sometimes forgets to take) at the therapist’s suggestion, however Mom refuses to get the nicotine patch or gum as the cessation therapist strongly advised.
She lives alone in her home and is an independent 82 year old and does have a decent quality of life. She can cook, drive, clean and is of sound mind. I promised her that she would be able to live in her home for the rest of her life. (I promised she would never end up in a nursing home).
I live alone in my own home which is in disrepair and am living off of my savings (and helping Mom with my savings). I do NOT have an income coming in at this time. I do not have a pension and do not have a 401k or any outside help. My brother suggested I sell my home and move in with my Mom. My brother and my Mom want me to pay Mom rent and take care of Mom full time. I do not know if this is a great idea. Also Mom said she may not be able to live with me. Right now I have an aide coming in three times a week for about 16 hours a week.
I advised my Mom not to let her 12 year old small yorkie out (without a leash) and to not go out in the cold. However, Mom let the dog out without a leash and went out in the cold after the dog and tripped and fell. She had her phone with her so she was able to call for assistance. I wanted to take her to the doctor but she refused. She tells me I am “controlling”, but I am just trying to protect her and help her. I just want the best for her.
The worst part of it is the lying. She swears she is not smoking, however I smell it when I go into her home and later she admits it to the doctor. I told her she could be honest with me and I would not get upset, but she still lies.
It is very difficult to quit smoking, however I just want Mom to make a “sincere honest effort” to quit smoking and make better choices for herself because she has a hopeful case and a chance at life.
You don't know if this is a great idea? Seriously? You don't?
Would you know if it was the worst idea in the world history of absolutely terrible ideas? Not to mention unbelievable piss-taking and chutzpah.
Leave your mother alone and let her and your brother between them sort out whatever care and support she needs. She doesn't want to quit smoking, and as for a chance at life she's 83 years old and surviving lung cancer. What more do you want?
You can't want a better life for mom than SHE wants for herself. Please leave her to her own devices and check in on her from time to time. You deserve more than to be treated like this, please realize that. Your brother and mother are asking you to be a slave and a doormat, and to PAY for the "privilege". Suggest your brother do it instead, after you slam the door in his face.
What you are doing is spinning your wheels hoping that she will change.
Ain't gonna happen sweetheart.
She is an addict.
What you can do is back off.
Live your life not your mom's.
Stop supporting your mom.
Get a job.
DO NOT move in with your mom.
If you have to sell your house and get something smaller that you can afford until you have more income, or and I hate to even suggest this with all the problems it might bring but getting a housemate that will help with expenses. (and you will have more when you stop helping mom)
I, too, have always, from early childhood, been both a savior and a doormat to anyone with a sad story, grifters, selfish pigs, liars who saw a patsy (me) coming from a mile away, etc and whose own needs came so far last that I never did anything for myself until I was in my mid-sixties. I actually lost jobs in my prime working years due to thinking only I could help all these people. They are now sitting pretty and I am in a very tenuous situation. My fear for myself is reflected in a surge of fear for you. Please don’t become a clone of me.
The rest of your life starts RIGHT NOW.
Make yourself a priority starting RIGHT NOW.
Your mother has made her position clear, she will smoke until death and she doesn’t want you to intrude. Your brother has also made himself perfectly clear. Let them stew in their juices together.
Do not help any more. I mourn for the caring girl you were, who was treated so foully by the woman who gave birth to you…I refuse to identify her as mother, since she was no such loving thing to you.
You did not get the loving childhood you deserved, so you must start being kind to yourself and putting yourself first, starting today.
Aim your naturally loving caring nature towards yourself. You deserve it.
Don’t let your mom and brother gang up on you to sell your house and totally destroy your life. Mom has run your show but now it’s time for you to run your life. It’s time for brother to pitch in—of course he wants you to sell your house, pay her rent and be her caregiver. It’s no skin off his nose—then he doesn’t have to worry. Listen to your gut telling you this isn’t a good idea. You have to plan for your future. She’s ruining hers and you can’t protect her from herself. And it sounds like she doesn’t want to be protected. Be glad your mom says she’s not sure she’s able to live with you. Many people swear they will never put their loved one in a nursing home but they get to the point where they realize they have to. That may be the safest way to care for them. There are good nursing homes out there—my brother is in one.
At some point cancer treatments are going to cause more discomfort than she ever expected. It will come down to quality versus quantity of life. It’s okay to let her go. Everyone dies.
Are YOU paying for the aide your mother has for 16 hrs/week?
STOP being your family's slave. Brother isn't going to step up, but that doesn't mean you need to be continuously stepped ON.
Your mother isn't going to change; let her and your brother figure out what happens to her.
Everything you are doing is wrong, Wrong, WRONG.
You gave up your livelihood, and are burning through your savings, and you don't know if selling the roof over your head to get money so you can burn through that too is a dumbest idea ever.
If your goal is to become jobless, penniless and homeless once your mother dies, then keep doing what you are doing. You are more than half way there.
Your brother is a selfish a__hole. Stop listening to him.
He wants you to not only work for free, but pay to be at work? In your history of employment, did any of the companies charge you rent for the desk or office you used and they paid you nothing for your work?
Grrrr! If I were your best friend, I'd slap your head to wake you up.
You cannot change others. You can only change what YOU do. So you have decisions to make. It seems to me that there is a good deal more than cancer that is problematic here. You have formed a habitual way of carrying on with life. I think that will be difficult for YOU to change, and my stress on the "you" means only you can do it.
Sorry for all the problems.
Feeling remorseful and regretful is the first step in the right direction. I am so glad you said that. I think it's a sign of hope that you have the will to turn your life around for the better.
Please think over carefully and envision what you want YOUR life to be, not anyone else's life. What would you like to be doing if you had your choice to do anything you want? What would a good day look like to you? What would you like to be doing 1, 2, 5 years from now?
Envision the above clearly and in high definition, seeing yourself doing the above. Set goals, then set baby steps on how to get to each of your goal.
That's how you take care of yourself.
You can't. Even IF she quit smoking, there's no reason on earth for you to continue sacrificing your entire being and life for your mom. You can still love your mom and LOVE YOURSELF at the same time.
Your situ sounds like codependency. In addition to putting space between you and mom and your selfish narcissist sounding brother and moving yourself in a very different direction, I seriously advise you to seek counseling.
Sounds like you really love your mom,, but you deserve A LOT MORE LOVE AND SOMEONE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE TO LOVE YOU FOR JUST YOU.
If they care so little about their own health, why should anyone else?
Prayers.
I'm writing this with caring and kindness, your mother is right...you are being controlling. You can't make her do anything. She is a fully grown adult who is making her own decisions. It's not your job to make her quit smoking, make her stop putting her Yorkie out without a leash etc.
You wrote:
I have sacrificed my time, money and have applied every skill and bit of energy I have to help my Mom fight cancer. However it is hard to fight her cancer and fight her at the same time. It is hard to help someone who is not invested in helping themselves.
Seriously, STOP doing for her and start doing for yourself. You matter and you should be taking care and investing all this time, money and effort in yourself, not your mother. She made all the decisions that got her into this spot and she knows it.
Your job isn't to protect her from herself.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Don't care more about another's situation than they do.
Observe don't Absorb!
There are many other sayings I could type but I just want you to really think about how you are trying to get your mom to do things she doesn't want to do. And because she's an adult, she doesn't have to do what you say. Stop caring and doing more than she does. Care for yourself because once you put all this time and effort into her life, there won't be anything left for your own life.
You don't owe her anything. You need to let her know, that's her life. If she needs help hire it. And move on with yours. Your mother is not going to do anything to help you it sounds, like quitting smoking. Sure it's tough to do, but...
Your brother and mother sound like people who suck the life out of you. Go get a job, fix up your home, and visit mom off and on, but get out of her life because you've lost yours.
If she is in her home, talk to the local police or social services and have them do something called "well checks". At that point, if they see something that causes concern, THEY will intervene and it won't be on you. Or talk to the Aide, and have them do the reporting. Do not move in with her, as she will manipulate you and you will be worse off than you are now. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you can't control her habits but you can protect her life in other ways.
I would never move in with Mom at this stage of the game. Let brother do that, let him sell his house. (Probably not, right ?!)
Your Mom will continue to smoke and do it with it or without lying. She knows the possible consequences. Somehow you need to find the inner peace to accept this. That does not mean you agree or want her to continue, but she is a grown woman who makes her own decisions. She will not change. You cannot control someone else; but you can control how you respond.
It is you that needs to change... to accept and "let go".
Please do not move in with her. For your peace of mind and sanity, stay by yourself.
Find the strength, be firm and say "No". No, you will not be doing that. Period. You do not need to give any reasons, etc. Just say "No".
And if she goes to the hospital again, tell the social worker she needs to go to rehab after, that she is not safe to go home, because there is no one there to help her. Period. Do NOT spend any more of your money for at-home care for your mom. You MUST think of yourself and your future. Disengage yourself.
And please let us know how are you are doing. We care about you.
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There is no amount of love, caring, help, threats, pleas or anything else that will make an addict stop.
My advice to you is to stop even mentioning the smoking - many times that just backfires anyway. Accept that your mother is going to smoke.
You say that your mother is independent, can cook, clean, drive and has a sound mind. Consider yourself blessed and move on with you life.
Maybe you want to consider whether or not you are co-dependent. You may be addicted to your mother, her addiction and the drama that it creates.
There is a great book. "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend that you get yourself a copy.
Please do that for yourself.