I have arranged to have my dad moved into memory care directly from rehabilitating from a bad fall. I haven't told him he is not going home. Any advice?

I had a similar situation with my dad. His dementia was progressively getting worse and he was having falls in his home. He eventually ended up in the hospital because a PT who came to the house to see him found him extremely confused and with sky high blood pressure. From the hospital I insisted that he go to rehab and from there I found a group home where he could continue his PT in a safe environment. That is what I told him, that he was going to the group home to continue PT which was the truth but I didn't tell him he would probably never return to his home. He continued to not be able to get around without assistance so he stayed at the group home for the rest of his life and actually admitted to me a few months later that he needed to be there. I would have never been able to get him out of his home into an assisted living environment on my own so this was how I handled getting him the care that he needed. I felt no guilt about it. My only guilt feelings were when he was unsafe in his home not being able to do anything about it.

thank you , My siblings are asking about having a meating wiht him and telling him the truth and I think I agree with you that " this  is what your doctor has decided is best for you” is the best response. HIs nuroologist did actually suggest that memory care was a desirable option for Dad as he lived alone and had the history of alcohol and falls.

Don’t tell him until he’s inside the new facility. Say you have to sign some paperwork and he has to accompany him while you’re signing, or any alternative that it gets him safely to his new residence.

You are in the process of executing a loving decision that you made based on recent events that were dangerous to your father’s welfare.

Don’t second guess this valid effort on your part.

There are no happy, pleasant, comfortable-for-everybody decisions to be made here.

You’re the poa, and you’re doing the heavy lifting. Give yourself the credit you richly deserve. You’re willing to take on the sadness of his situation to save his life.

I told my LO that "Your insurance won't cover that room anymore, so we had to move you to a different room." Reality was that her insurance cut her rehab stay and we had exhausted our appeals on that. She was not well enough to go home and likely never would be. We told her "You're not well enough to go home right now because you don't have anyone to stay with you." She would protest some on that, and say that she doesn't need special help and/or her neighbor would check on her, etc. She steadfastly denied that she needed 24/7 care - but she most certainly did need that. Many years later, her complaints have changed to she would like to "move" somewhere else, but she doesn't ask about living alone anymore. I have always wondered if her protests were for show. I suspected that she knew deep down she couldn't manage on her own anymore but is was too painful to admit. She would have multiple issues on a daily basis even when she was "well."

Akey4it, sometimes the only way to get an older parent into a care facility is to use the hospital-rehab-senior facility route. It is ok to use what are called "therapeutic fibs", like telling your Dad that the senior facility is an extension of rehab, so that he can get better. Then after that you can use "doctor says you are not ready to go home". Eventually Dad will settle in at his new location.

I can understand the guilt feeling, try to look at it as doing the best for your Dad. Now he will be around people from his own generation, thus more in common. Or as my Dad would say "more ears to hear his stories".

Try to set up your Dad's bedroom similar to what he had at home, with the furniture in the same location [if possible]. That way when Dad awakes at night, he would think he was still at home, not someplace strange. Bring along Dad's bedspread. Chances are Memory Care will supply their own sheets/pillow cases.

When my Dad went into Memory Care, his only concern was all his books. Thankfully all his bookcases did fit, thus he had all of his books. It was a comfort cocoon for him.

Safety comes first. You're doing the right thing.

Don't feel guilt, because going home is not always the best choice for someone's care and I'd say MC is the best choice here.

Just as you've done as a parent to your kids, the easiest choice is not always the best one. You're making the correct decision, so don't let guilt even enter the picture.

Could you try the line “The doctor says that you need to settle down for a while after the rehab. The doctor will say when s/he thinks it’s best for you to go home and try again there’. It might be easier than ‘this is it’. And though it almost certainly won't happen, it's not an outright lie - some people do make miraculous improvements.

If he's been in rehab from a bad fall, he's past alcohol withdrawal risk and was probably treated for it while in the hospital.

You've done everything right for him. He cannot take care of himself. He is unsafe at home. He needs more care than you or a half-day caregiver can give him. Do not undo the placement. You will regret it.

It will take him time to adjust. Give him that time and space. You know that if he goes back home that he will drink again and will fall again and you'll be right back at square one. Accept that this is what's best for him.

I’m sorry you and your family are going through this along with your dad. He has to be frightened about the unwanted changes life is quickly bringing. I hope you will rely on “this is what your doctor has decided is best for you” and not attempt to explain or justify the decision to have him in memory care. Once there, give him some time to acclimate to his new environment. Make sure the medical staff there is aware he may be dealing with some alcohol withdrawal and his medicine needs may change. Know your dad is blessed to have you looking out for him. I wish you both peace