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He has been in memory care 6 months and doing pretty well, some days better than others. One thing has been bothering me, what can you tell me here. He asks why we can't be together every day and night. How can I know how much he is hurting because I said we have to do it this way but we are together every day for our visits. The adjustment is smoothing out but I am feeling (again/yet) like we need to be together at home although I can't do it anymore, that is why he is in memory care. How do I justify in my mind that this is right, no I know it is right, but how do I sort out this situation that daily visits will have to do.

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Your justification was sound, caring and loving. If you have momentary lapses as to why you did it, then, I might write down a list of the reasons. After you total them up, you might see just why it was the right decision. One thing comes to my mind.

After placing my LO in MC, I was so energized to go for visits. I could shop for things I knew she would like, show up with her favorite treats, hug with smiles and energy to devote to her when I visited....I looked forward to it. But, when you are in the trenches, full force, totally exhausted, no sleep from hands on care, mentally fatigued, patience depleted from constant mental stress, overwhelmed with constant demands, etc.......how can you be the bright spot to give your LO then? To me, conserving my resources was vital.

As far as making your husband understand the reasons for the decisions....well, I would find peace in that in your own mind. He may not be capable of that kind of thought processing.
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You couldn't do it anymore and you did the right thing in placing your husband in memory care.

Do you still belong to that support group? If so, that would be a great place to share your feelings and get feedback. Not that you can't do that here but a face-to-face support group has much to offer.

I think what you're feeling is normal. Typical. It would probably help to talk to someone about it.
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Luv, it seems to me that you're saying that husband seems to be settling in, yes.? And you need to find a reason to justify to YOU why he can't be home?

You wrote this 8 months ago...
"Thank you for answering. I do belong to a support group and I read that book over a year ago and downloaded to my kindle.just re-read it last week, best book I have found? I don't feel depressed just sadness and grief over the losses..I tend to second guess when I try to figure things out. So much material out there and depression sounds like help is needed, my functioning is ok in all respects, just get emotionally tired of the situation. I think directly (and or maybe indirectly) you have shed some light, thank you again."

So, are you second guessing yourself?  One person can't provide adequate care for a dementia patient. Just not possible. Most folks don't have the financial wherewithal to bring in enough help to cover the patient's needs. I personally fell that with very rare exceptions, patients are safer and have better stimulation if they are in care centers.

Sadness and grief?  Yes, that too.
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