How to maintain marriage when husband is devoting his life to his mother?

You once made the hard, but correct choice in placing your marriage above any perceived obligation to aging parents. Your husband is making it clear that he won’t do the same. I’m sorry for that. Very mixed up priorities on his part that will certainly challenge your relationship’s survival. Please don’t move to live with or near hubby’s mother, you’ll remain a distant second. If he can’t see your value, I hope you will

I am so sorry. Your husband clearly has made his choice, and that choice is not you. Were I you I would recognize that it is time to leave a marriage that clearly has little to do with love and respect at this point. I would move back home. I would not move in with my parents, but would be available to share their love as they live independently while they can, and when they move on to care. I would make a life with good friends and joy and possibly with new love in the future. I wish you luck.

He made you leave your family and the country for him. Now he wants you to move again, and become devoted to caring for his mother. And you will probably be the primary caregiver; he'll be too embarrassed to bathe her or change her Depends. Does he give you anything (affection? respect? conversation? decent sex?) or just demand complete obedience and devotion? This doesn't sound like a well thought-out plan, and he doesn't sound like a great husband if he can't be bothered to ask you before he makes major changes to your lives.

Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” He already got you to follow him once and leave your parents behind. Now he wants you to follow him again and leave your current life behind, plus be in a place where you don’t speak the language and will have trouble building a new one. He will insist that you take your “turn” caring for his mom, and will get support from friends and family while leaving you isolated. He’s telling you loud and clear where you stand, and it isn’t next to him..it isn’t even one step below him...is that what you want from your time here?

My heart truly goes out to you. I know I will get lots of hate responses but it is very natural in Europe for the "children" to take care of the parent when needed. I don't think he feels like he is deserting you - he just feels like his mom needs him.
(I assume he is an only child). Most likely, he doesn't realize the magnitude of care she will most certainly need. In a very short while, he will learn that he can't possibly take care of her alone, and will most likely put her in a nursing home. With Covid-19 rampant, will he even get to visit her everyday like he thinks he can?
Stay where you are, you have a job and parents of your own that you tend to when you can. If your hubby insists on going, let him work it out on his own. Be supportive on your own terms. This is a situation with an outcome that is impossible to predict right now, but I think will work itself out in time. BTW, last year my ex-MIL had a massive stroke after Covid-19, was paralyzed on one side, couldn't talk, wasn't eating, and was put on hospice. She is now eating, talking, regained partial strength on the damaged side, and is off hospice-she is 95. So you see - you never know!
Have faith and don't listen to the haters, always go with your gut!

He is thinking with his heart, not his head.

Sounds like a passionate immediate knee jerk response on his part. I must help Momma, I must go now! Maybe this is what you love about him, his family values, his sense of duty?

But being Superman flying to rescue his Mother will leave his Lois Lane to fend for herself.

If you love your Superman - set him free. Would it be possible to give him a little time to work out where he will fit in his Mother's health crises?

Could he;

1. Discuss & plan that you will both have the finances to meet your obligations (rent/mortgage, bills, car, insurances, food etc) while you are separated?

2. Put a time limit on his assessing the situation he finds once there with Mother.

3. Put a time limit to decide his plans: to either find a permanent care solution for his Mother (not him) & return to you OR decide he will stay indefinitely & set you free.

It may be that he turns up, is devestated by her loss of health, they cry & grieve together. He tries to do everything, fix everything, then realises he cannot actually fix the stroke. Only time can (IF it can). He may then see it is Mother that needs to change HER life. Needs to move in with local family, or into care. Then he can adjust. 'Trial of Care' it is called.

I believe marriage is not all black or white. You have hit a grey patch. A challenge that hopefully, with continued good communication, you can get through.

I’m so sorry you are going thru this. idk if this will help or not, but I separated from my husband last year after he spent so much time sending nothing but vile, hate msgs & phone calls to me while I coped with my terminally ill father. My mom needs me now, he is in England and I’m in America...I know when the time comes for his parents he will be there for them, and expect me to also. But after all the vicious words and threats he has made I don’t think I can ever look at him the same... he has a double standard for what I do and what he does, and it sounds like your husband sadly is the same... i separated from him because I am too drained to figure out international divorce atm..
unconditional love is what should be; not double standards and cruelty. I hope whatever you decide makes you happy; you deserve that 💖

Please get yourself therapy. You've done nothing to be guilty about. I'd bring that guilt up with the therapist early for it does bear on this issue you're dealing with a lot. Get and keep yourself on a healthy path regardless of what he does or does not do.

As he hasn't grown up enough to realise his life partner becomes his number one priority when he got married, and still thinks his parent(s) are his main responsibility I personally would go home and be close to your own parents. You obviously come second and for me that is not acceptable when you are expected to make all the concessions, it isn't a partnership - leave him to his mother and make your own life where you are comfortable and can do what you feel you need to to be happy and available to your own parents.

Been there except MIL lived in our home. She too had a massive stroke that paralyzed her right side, after already living with us for 2 years. Taking care of her forced DH to help out because it's more than one person can physically handle on their own. She could swallow but was unable to communicate except for ya or no. Daily sponge bath, new sheets,blankets, spoon feeding with a baby spoon so not too much at one time, pureed food, water via a medicine syringe so she didn't aspirate, diaper changes, swabbing mouth to clean it, exercising arms and legs multiple times a day to prevent muscle atrophy, turning as best as possible to avoid pressure sores, dealing with multiple mini strokes daily, she lasted 2 weeks in this situation before passing. I was surviving on 20 minute cat naps during this time. We did what we could do for her to make her comfortable. Your MIL could pass quickly or she could be this way for years to come. I really don't think your husband has actually thought through how much care she will need. Does she have a DNR? No feeding tube etc.? How does he plan on caring for her without assistance? We were blessed to have had her on hospice when she first moved in with us and they had taught me how to care and move her safely. Does he have any resources for information pertaining to her care? Can your MIL afford to be moved closer to your home where job can be maintained yet he can still visit her every day? This would give her the medical care she needs 24x7 and remove some of the burden from the two of you. Not an easy situation either way. He expects you to have zero financial stability because instead of losing 1 paycheck, there would be zero income. Think very hard about your decision and do what is in your best interests. Sounds like he is being reactive instead of thinking things thru and assessing what long term ramifications would be.